#1
My nightmares bring more sunshine then your daydreams give false hope

Up against a concrete wall.
No rain.
Just a spotlight
You're the ropes to my chair
And I'm binded so tight.
Interrogation indeed,
but your eyes dont want talking.

A cold hand against my face.
A gentle grasp around your waist.
Warm skin against warm skin,
Hearts beating close, Lips so far.
Head back, blue eyes, get off,
not the time.
Though I'm not quite adverse
To being your ****-up.
Last edited by Thomasoman at Nov 8, 2007,
#2
Wow, that was pretty good. I dont think it was long enough though, adn it felt a little awkward, is it a poem or a song?
#3
Thanks.

Just a poem for now, but, if I decide to add to it as life injects words into my head, I might convert it into a song.

Right now, the motivation hasnt hit me XD
#4
is this about some kinky S&M ****?
Look at my avatar and tell me it ain't the cutest baby you've ever seen.
#5
No. Its not to be taken literally.
Last edited by Thomasoman at Nov 9, 2007,
#6
Quote by Thomasoman
My nightmares bring more sunshine then your daydreams give false hope

Up against a concrete wall.
No rain.
I liked this short line. Its as though you were expecting rain, and the first line sets the scene and tone very well.

Just a spotlight
An almost prision like image coming in here, again liked the short lines for emphasis.

You're the ropes to my chair
And I'm binded so tight.
Interrogation indeed,
but your eyes dont want talking.
I would change "I'm binded so tight" because amongst the eloquence of the rest it feels quite anateurish. I think you should find a new way of saying this.

A cold hand against my face.
A gentle grasp around your waist.
Warm skin against warm skin,
Hearts beating close, Lips so far.
Great bit, but I would suggest introducing a more strict metre here, because takling about sex requires a certain pace of speech to set the tone.

Head back, blue eyes, get off,
not the time.
Though I'm not quite adverse
To being your ****-up.
Not entirely sure about the swearing. Ive not heard many peices where it has helped, rather than hindered. Loved the first line, great contrasting list, but I'm not sure about "not the time", it doesnt realy add to the narrative you're trying to present, though the short line should still be used if you do decide to chnage it.


All in all I loved it. Very bitter, well written and interesting. I really coulndt find much to critiscise about this, mate. Well done.
Peace
Dave