#1
Weird little poem I wrote...I kinda got drunk, lol. Tell me what you think, what I should work on

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Laughing uncontrollably
A drunken little fly
The bottle speaks to his needs
"Have you much more room for me?"

Speaking fast and hard to breathe
The problem lets out a sigh
He makes another try to see
Annoying wings and eyes of green

The man mutters to himself
Spine feels like it's tied
"Why don't I have the wealth I need?
My warm sunshine - my time to be?!"

And with an angry desperate swing,
the problem has now ceased to be.
No more darkness, now he's free
Or was it in his mind?
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
Last edited by Blow Me at Nov 11, 2007,
#2
Very interesting. I'm getting the vibe that he's trying to.. um.. swat the fly? LOL!
I can understand why, though: you were drunk! I don't see much needed improvement, because allot of poems are meant to be allot like this one here. Great job for being zonked!
Keep it up, and you could be famous!(That my friend, is a figure of speech. Only if your really lucky!)
#3
Beat.


I dig it. Its pretty stream of consciousy which really works here.
#4
I'm not trying to bump here...but every crit I've given was a 1-10 scale along with a more detailed analysis of the lyric. Where's mine?
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.