#1
She was still living in the fantasy land of hopes and dreams.
He was living in the real world of violence, weapons and screams.
Everyday she would wait for him to call,
everyday his lies would grow more tall.
Time moved on and they both changed,
but in her heart he always stayed.

He forgot about her, she always thought about him.
The light at the end of the tunnel gradually grew dim.
A gunshot right through the heart,
were her last thoughts as she began to dapart.
Sirens, Blood, a last heart beat,
With a broken heart she admitted defeat.
But alas, her knight in shinning armour never arrived to sweep her of her feet
#2
Hello, remember me? haha

Ok, here goes

your rhyming sounds a little forced, not every line needs to rhyme, hell, nothing really needs to rhyme, whateer sounds natural, if you find yourself searching for a rhyme, there's a good chance it's not going to work.

You've got some nice ideas but it doesn't really flow through, you are not quite hitting what you need imagery/empathy wise.

I'll say this as a compliment, you're better than I was expecting.

Good luck, say hey to my bro for me :p

Cya

crit my piece? link is here

Every Man Must Answer... (To History)
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Nov 9, 2007,