#1
First post.

But how’d they get so perfect?
Every little inch strapped perfect to the body. Nothing extra to hold on to.
And that’s just what you expect
That’s the kind of thing people deserve.
To be pleased. And to please.
A decorum of appearance is just as important as a decorum in shutting the **** up.

But if you could just help me.
And give me a jump. This engine would thank you in physicality.
I can see you’ve securely made the journey from friend to something more.
Turbo speed.
I can’t keep track of how many times I left the lights on. Just on you.
A spotlight. So I could find a flaw.

A judgment made, is a relationship tarnished.
And an ambulance called. Is patience.

And in finding something wrong, I found something right.
But I won’t let go of something that I fought for. And to be denied of that, is something I would never want to experience
By becoming the enemy, I’ve found my victory.
#2
Quote by fightrobbert!
First post.

But how’d they get so perfect?
Every little inch strapped perfect to the body. Nothing extra to hold on to.
And that’s just what you expect
That’s the kind of thing people deserve.
To be pleased. And to please.
A decorum of appearance is just as important as a decorum in shutting the **** up.
I quite liked this opening, however dont start with "but". It rarely works. I think some of the lines feel overlong, you should consider breaking them down, they disrupt the flow and feel tedious to read. This is also one of the only times Ive heard profanity sed to interesting, rather than degrading, effect. Its an almost comic ending.

But if you could just help me.
And give me a jump. This engine would thank you in physicality.
I can see you’ve securely made the journey from friend to something more.
Turbo speed.
I can’t keep track of how many times I left the lights on. Just on you.
A spotlight. So I could find a flaw.
Again some of these lines need breaking down. I think the necessity of words like "physicality" is debatable. Longs words can work but often only serve to confuse.

A judgment made, is a relationship tarnished.
And an ambulance called. Is patience.
Very nice short stanza. I liked the punctuative separation in places where it was not technically correct. It broke up the sentences in intereting ways.

And in finding something wrong, I found something right.
But I won’t let go of something that I fought for. And to be denied of that, is something I would never want to experience
By becoming the enemy, I’ve found my victory.
The paradoxes were interesting and ilustrative. Very Milton. Lovely ending.


Very few qualms with this excellent peice but for the legnth of lines. The way a peice of poety is presented greatly effects its reception and effect. Remember than lines are just another form of punctuation. Otherwise I really liked this, an excellent narrative critique on perfection expressed in an interesting way. Awesome.

Peace
Dave
#3
The first line was an excellent way to open the piece. However, in the second line I would say "skin" or "cloth" instead of "inch". And the end of the last line seemed to divert from the overall tone. I would say "silence" instead of "shutting the **** up". In the second stanza I think you could find a better word the "physicality". Something less wordy. Also i wasn't too fond of the "Turbo speed" line. It disrupted the flow and it's not really necessary. However, i did love the "from friends to somehting more line" as well the the last two lines of the second stanza. The last two stanzas are fine as is. The only complaint I have is that you use the word "something too much" in the last stanza. Anyways, great job and welcome to the forums.

Crit mine please
Revelations at the Nativity
#4
Quote by fightrobbert!


But how’d they get so perfect?
Every little inch strapped perfect to the body. Nothing extra to hold on to.
And that’s just what you expect
That’s the kind of thing people deserve.
To be pleased. And to please.
A decorum of appearance is just as important as a decorum in shutting the **** up.

Good beginning... Nit-picky things: 2nd line, I think it reads better as
"Every inch strapped perfectly to the body"
Love the last line... not too much to critique here... your punctuation is beautiful, but Like Caco. said... that one line needs to be broken down... you already have a good spot to do so with the phrase break.


But if you could just help me.
And give me a jump. This engine would thank you in physicality.
I can see you’ve securely made the journey from friend to something more.
Turbo speed.
I can’t keep track of how many times I left the lights on. Just on you.
A spotlight. So I could find a flaw.

I really like this stanza... I think its my favorite simply because of your second and third lines... they are amazing... but a little too long. Honestly, I can't think of much bad to say besides shorten some lines so they don't slow your piece down.

A judgment made, is a relationship tarnished.
And an ambulance called. Is patience.

Very good use of abnormal constructions... I tip my hat

And in finding something wrong, I found something right.
But I won’t let go of something that I fought for. And to be denied of that, is something I would never want to experience
By becoming the enemy, I’ve found my victory.

Good closure, good message. Just good.


Very well done good sir. Your piece is excellent, specifically for a first post. How long have you been writing? Anyways, Just those long lines bog it down a little... so change those up and you will be well on your way.

Return the Critique? (use the links in my sig)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#5
Thanks guys. I've been writing for a good 2 or 3 years now.

I'll try and return some crits, today's homework day.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#7
Oh I did Fireworks. But I'll read the story.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.