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#1
sorry to the mods about the foul use of words in my titile but i had to it fit to well anyways this i think is good its about my friends girl troubles

IT started with a phone call.

You know,Its the one that seems like it can end it all.

I was frightend yes this is true.

Because I was trying to help my friend get through.

All of his problems you see are compounded daily.

Mainly due to females,and how evil they can be.

Sometimes they can make anyone a typical tragedy.

The females they are evil this we know.

There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it.

so it started with a phone call.

My friend i've tried to help.

But he cant find a way out.

Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood.

Im not sure how I can help now.

Its just he's so positive theres no way out.

He crys over her because shes so unsure of about parts of her future.

It started with a phone call.

So now hes sad who can blame him.

Hes confused, pissed of and full of hatred that makes him mad.

So I keep tryin to help.

But its just no use because shes already tied his noose.

Hes helpless now and she know this all too well.

But i guess in the end hopefully my friend,

will see so he can avoid antoher typical tragedy


if you liked that check out some of my other stuff
heroin cant take away your pain
#3
man thanks i really appreciate the crit to get somthing crited around is like pulling teeth but to ANYONE who wants me to crit there stuff just leave a link and i promise i will crit
thanks again to all of the readers your great!
#4
Wow, I cant say no to that. I gotta say something about this peice though lol.

I liked it, at first I felt it was going to be another dull unoriginal love poem, but it turned out quite nicely, especially the abstract narration. Just a few things. The structure was pointless. I dont get what the merit is of spacing every line like a lone stanza, and plus it made it appear overlong and that makes people not want to read it, you know? I alslo think (I am working on the assumption that this is a poem) you could use some puntuation. There were a few bits which werent grammatically correct, but these are nit picky little things. The only problem I really had with this is its structure. Just separate it out into stanzas and it will be great!
If you wanna crit some of mine, just pick one from the signature below...

Peace
Dave.
#5
well nightreaven i thank you very much for the detailed crit im actually 24 so no im not young but the reason thing come off as immature if you can believe this i wanted it to have that feel like it was coming from a 15 yr old or somthing to me it made it easier to write
oh and the reason that i had it spaced like is because when that i did have it stanzaed out
it look way to long so to make it appear shorter i did that i guess it wasnt a good idea and of course i will crit your pieces once again thank a million for the detailed crit now if other people could just follow your lead.
#6
you're the 3rd person in the poem, that struck me as odd first, but overall, not bad. the lyrics sound ununique and simple, but the way U organized it and the way it is unique and from an alternative point of view is good. It's not bad at all.
Your dreams are all out of focus;
Knock you up when you're feeling down.
And all the world feels so unreal...


COLORFUL COLORS
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Hitler was really smart and could have been a good leader but he was kind of a douche to the Jews.
#7
Thats why you're sticking to guys, right? I like the way you organized it though.
I love Cheezy Poofs, you love Cheezy Poofs,
If we didn't eat Cheezy Poofs, We'd be lame!

WHY SO SERIOUS SON!?
#8
well kkin911 if you read the FREAKING synopsis about it you would SEE that its actually about a good friend of mine the troubles females are causeing him but no i try to avoid the guys its kinda hard to **** a dick with a dick but needless to say thanks anyways for the crit and if you have anything that i can crit i would LOVE to just send me a link

alright now on too TEEN SPRIT yes this is written from 3rd person point of view and i really appreciate your crit as well and i would also like to agree with you that KURT RULES FOREVER!!!!!!! one more thing you have anything i can crit for you just send me a link.
thanks
#9
It's pretty good, but kinda short.

What's with the "IT"'s?

Crit4Crit
In my sig
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How the f*ck are you gonna get a cat to bark?


---------------------------5------8-----7-
----------------5-------------------------
------------------1-3-3-------/6----/5----
-1/3--1-1h3-------------------------------


Matt Freeman>You
#10
you know bassman3 i really could'nt tell you why all the its it just seemed appropriate at the time and as for it being too short you seem to be the only one that thinks that besides me everyone else said it was to long and so on but anyways thanks for the crit and when i get a little more time i promise i will crit your stuff i mean jeez i gotta atleast return the favor right?
but n-e-ways thanks for your time!
#11
Well I've never been one of the most negative critiquers around here, but I have to say some things.

First off, I just don't like it. Reading it, most lines sound very awkward, and there is a lot of cliche use or just plain generic language. Using plain words is fine, but like you said,

Quote by cjsquid
if you can believe this i wanted it to have that feel like it was coming from a 15 yr old or somthing to me it made it easier to write


This is not a good thing, I believe, in any way. It just doesn't seem well thought out or meaningful. Talking about how women are evil and whatnot just makes you sound like a rejected little teen, and unless you're writing songs for Simple Plan or something, it's not a route I'd want to take, personally.

I don't mean any offense or anything I just want you to know what's wrong, so you can try and improve. Your idea is fine, but the execution could be done much much better than this.
#13
rush4life no insult taken thats why they call it criticism to point out the faults! and that you've done very well although i dont agree with you but hey i appreciate it anyways and im goin to check out your stuff and tell you what i think oh and yes there really wasnt a whole lot of thought put into it was written very quickly that you did get right!


so jared316 thanks for your short but meaningful crit and yes i will check your stuff out and give you my opinion on it so thanks to both of you for taking the time to read and then give me your opinion!
#15
you know what beeld away your comment was great woke in a ****ty mood like 15mins ago and i log onto here to see how its doing and i read your comment it put me in a better mood thanks and yes i will crit all of your pieces for you !!!!!!!!
thanks again
#16
Hey man, I really liked how you arranged this little ditty. There really is nothing negative that I could say about it. I thought that some of the way's you worded things was very impressive, multi-syllabic words and such. All in all good job and keep it up.
#17
man rising tide thanks alot i really appreciate it you gave me a good confidence booster
#18
4th line you might want to get rid of the "because" and combine it with the 3rd line to form something like this:

"I was frightened, yes this is true--trying to help my friend get through"

Up to you of course, but overall I enjoyed it; Probably because I could relate to it so much, haha.

By the way, thanks for critiquing my song!
#19
well thanks nocturnal oats i think i just might because i think i t does sound better the way you mentioned and i think i just might edit it and git rid of that "because" but i really appreciate the time you've taken to crit mine right now im goin to bed other wise i'll never get but once again thanks oh and i'll check out your other stuff and crit that to just not tonight too tired
#22
It's adaptable to everyone which is great. Love the use of repetition for "it started with a phone call", sometimes it can create drag in writing but kept a nice flow with it. Only issue I can see is how some parts are stanza'd that just don't fit with the lines around them, like the line "There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it". I don't know, depends how it's read I guess. Nice work though overall.
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#23
Quote by cjsquid
sorry to the mods about the foul use of words in my titile but i had to it fit to well anyways this i think is good its about my friends girl troubles

IT started with a phone call.

You know,Its the one that seems like it can end it all.

I was frightend yes this is true.

Because I was trying to help my friend get through.

All of his problems you see are compounded daily.

Mainly due to females,and how evil they can be.

Sometimes they can make anyone a typical tragedy.

The females they are evil this we know.

There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it.

so it started with a phone call.

My friend i've tried to help.

But he cant find a way out.

Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood.

Im not sure how I can help now.

Its just he's so positive theres no way out.

He crys over her because shes so unsure of about parts of her future.

It started with a phone call.

So now hes sad who can blame him.

Hes confused, pissed of and full of hatred that makes him mad.

So I keep tryin to help.

But its just no use because shes already tied his noose.

Hes helpless now and she know this all too well.

But i guess in the end hopefully my friend,

will see so he can avoid antoher typical tragedy


if you liked that check out some of my other stuff
heroin cant take away your pain


i liked it but i liked the ending more than the beginning. it starts out and there are a lot of typical kingergarten style rhymes. if you could make em a little more complex or change the rhyme scheme up a bit it'd work better. i did like the in-line rhymes that you had regarding the use-noose and her-unsure, etc.

I also like the repetition of it started with a phone call cause it brings anxiety to the situation overall its good but i'd also like it you didn't double space it all, and emphasized the spacing where it was necessary.

also plz crit mine: Nocturnal Nemesis
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709319

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Yes, you sir win the internet!


Quote by saphrax
To put it crudely, every hole is a goal.


#24
first of all i want to say sorry to the hurt within for not waiting every 2 or three comments before responding to my crit so sorry hurt within

now to lukeloveslick thanks for the compliment and i think am going to put some punk riffs to it and see how it sounds but thanks for the help if you send me a link in a priv message i'll some more of your stuff but anyways thanks

alright moving right along now to brandon860 i honestly was worried about the it started with a phone chorus or whatever but i do agree once i seen it on the screen i really liked it so i kept it in there. i also agree with you i dont like the line there must be a way to fight it to stand up against but i could'nt think of anything else to put and it was a rushed piece(well all of my stuff is rushed because to me if i cant finish it 30mins then its a waste of time)
anyways if you send me a link to some of your other stuff i will gladly crit your stuff


and to bootyguard thank you for taking the time out of your day to crit my piece
i do agree wholeheartedly with you about the simplistic ryhme scheme in the beginning but anyways i am going to crit yours right now!
anyways thanks to both of you for taking the time to crit my pieces and to all else that crits my pieces i will gladly take the time to do the same for you

and once again to the hurt within sorry!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by cjsquid at Nov 11, 2007,
#25
I like this. it's very interesting. I really wouldn't change much of anything about it. and I agree completely with your opinion of females.
#26
Quote by cjsquid
well kkin911 if you read the FREAKING synopsis about it you would SEE that its actually about a good friend of mine the troubles females are causeing him but no i try to avoid the guys its kinda hard to **** a dick with a dick but needless to say thanks anyways for the crit and if you have anything that i can crit i would LOVE to just send me a link


I was going to give an in-depth crit line-by-line. But if this is how you respond to someone trying to help you...then I don't want a part of the immaturity. So to give you a short and sweet crit:

I didn't like it - 3/10
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#28
alright to smapwise thank i appreciate you taking thetime to crit my piece thanks you when you write something new send me a link and i'l crit so thanks

now on to blow-me what he said about "o thats why you like guys" didnt seem like help to me and personally i think you said you didnt like because for some reason what i said offended you and if you are in any kinda pro career you should you dont mix emotion with buisness! so yea......


now stellar_legs i will do just that and then just priv message and let me know what you think cool?

and to all that have crited my stuff i thank you(even blow-me)
and i do appreciate you taking the time to read and then crit
thanks a million
#29
Quote by cjsquid
sorry to the mods about the foul use of words in my titile but i had to it fit to well anyways this i think is good its about my friends girl troubles

IT started with a phone call.

You know,Its the one that seems like it can end it all. not too shabby, I especially like this second line. The way I read it in my head though, it seems you should take the "like" out. But maybe it flows to you.

I was frightend yes this is true. I don't really like this line for some reason. It seems foggy on what you're trying to say with it, maybe try using some different words.

Because I was trying to help my friend get through. This line I like, but again the way I read it the flow doesn't work. Just try shortening it up like "Because I was helping my friend get through" or something.

All of his problems you see are compounded daily. This line is good, no qualms here.

Mainly due to females,and how evil they can be. Only one thing wrong here in my mind, and it's been said before. Take the evil out, there are so many better (and equally cutting) words that can be used. That's just my opinion though.

Sometimes they can make anyone a typical tragedy. Very good line here

The females they are evil this we know. Don't particularily like this line, but I suppose it helps solidify the evilness of females this song/poem is putting across

There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it. Good concept for a line, but try using different words. Like before, there's lots of different words that can be used and will sound better.

so it started with a phone call. Good, I like how you went full circle back to the phone call.

My friend i've tried to help.

But he cant find a way out. These 2 lines I think can be rewritten, but keep the same message as it's in keeping with the full circle thing I was talking about earlier.

Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood. This is..alright. I think you can probly do something better with it but I'm not sure what.

Im not sure how I can help now.

Its just he's so positive theres no way out. The full circle thing is good for a while, but now you're just kind of gong backwards. Replace these lines with something else maybe.

He crys over her because shes so unsure of about parts of her future. This line I feel lacks flow.

It started with a phone call. Very good drawing back on the phone call one more time

So now hes sad who can blame him. This line is also very good.

Hes confused, pissed of and full of hatred that makes him mad. This line I don't really like. It's sort of ugly when compared to the rest.

So I keep tryin to help. This is repetition, but I like the placement and the way it's said. You're not saying you don't know how to help for a 3rd time, but you're saying you're trying.

But its just no use because shes already tied his noose. This is a very good line. I particularily like the noose metaphor

Hes helpless now and she know this all too well. This is alright. It can probably be made better though.

But i guess in the end hopefully my friend,

will see so he can avoid antoher typical tragedy The previous line I don't like so much, but I do like the repetition of the "typical tragedy"


if you liked that check out some of my other stuff
heroin cant take away your pain


overall it's good, but there are definitely some things you can fix. This piece has great potential, it just has to be fine tuned. Thanks for the crit on my song man.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.
#30
I like it alot, its definatly relatable(I'm 15) i ecspecially like the line "Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood." but i would take out is just so and instad simply put "he's".
#31
Quote by cjsquid


IT started with a phone call.

You know,Its the one that seems like it can end it all.

I was frightend yes this is true.

Because I was trying to help my friend get through.

All of his problems you see are compounded daily.

Mainly due to females,and how evil they can be.

Sometimes they can make anyone a typical tragedy.

The females they are evil this we know.

There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it.

so it started with a phone call.

My friend i've tried to help.

But he cant find a way out.

Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood.

Im not sure how I can help now.

Its just he's so positive theres no way out.

He crys over her because shes so unsure of about parts of her future.

It started with a phone call.

So now hes sad who can blame him.

Hes confused, pissed of and full of hatred that makes him mad.

So I keep tryin to help.

But its just no use because shes already tied his noose.

Hes helpless now and she know this all too well.

But i guess in the end hopefully my friend,

will see so he can avoid antoher typical tragedy


Honestly, I think the biggest problem with this poem/song is the spacing between lines. It makes it really, really hard to read. The way a poem looks on paper (even if it's just internet paper) can really affect the way it's received by the reader. Personally, I always center my poems. I like theme and direction of this piece. I think you might read it again, eliminate unessential words. Try to sense a rhythm as you read.
#32
antipoetic misogyny- wonderful.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#33
alright manwithoutahat i like what you had to say and i hope that iwas of some help to you when i crited your piece i appreciate you reading mine and then critin it thanks!

sublime182 i agree the hes i think doe sound better and i am gonna edit then re-post(maybe)

rane i did the spacing like that cause i honestly thought it made it look shorter but i didnt even think to space like an actual poem thanks for putting that in my head!!!!

less than that: thanks and i cant remember if i asked you about recording your stuff if i crited your stuff than i probably did um i look forward to hearing you recording
#34
Really prosey. Its like everyday language, your diction is so normal...idk. The structure of it all really threw me for a loop, the double-spaced thing doesn't work for me...at all. I'm not sure why you did that... but idk...its just a formatting pet peeve of mine i suppose.

link's in the sig.
what comes up comes out
#36
i liked it alot, its very diffrent (which i love), i think it would proberaly be hard to get music to fit it, or maybe thats just me :p, but yea very unique which i love
#37
First of all, thanks for your crit And yeah, the "Beh should've been Beg" .


Quote by cjsquid
sorry to the mods about the foul use of words in my titile but i had to it fit to well anyways this i think is good its about my friends girl troubles

It started with a phone call.
You know, Its the one that seems like it can end it all.
I was frightend yes this is true. I can't imagine these first three lines being sung, but that might be because I don't know the rhyming.
Because I was trying to help my friend get through.
All of his problems you see are compounded daily.
Mainly due to females,and how evil they can be. Got to agee with this line of text
Sometimes they can make anyone a typical tragedy.
The females they are evil this we know.
There must be a way to fight it to stand up against it.
so it started with a phone call.
My friend i've tried to help.
But he cant find a way out. The rhyming of this centance might be better like this "Though he couldn't find his way out" But meh, your song It's quite good so far.
Shes got him GOOD because he is just so misunderstood.
Im not sure how I can help now.
Its just he's so positive theres no way out.
He crys over her because shes so unsure of about parts of her future.
It started with a phone call. I like how you are comming back with this centence.
So now hes sad who can blame him.
Hes confused, pissed of and full of hatred that makes him mad.
So I keep tryin to help.
But its just no use because shes already tied his noose.
Hes helpless now and she know this all too well.
But i guess in the end hopefully my friend,
will see so he can avoid antoher typical tragedy.

if you liked that check out some of my other stuff
heroin cant take away your pain



I enjoyed reading this, it's different. Which I like.

Puting music behind this could be quite difficult though, but something really cool can come out of this.
7.5/10.
#40
okay THE HURT WITHIN i waited five crits before i commented back because i dont want you to think im bumpin at all
now moving right along
haunted engines:thats cool i sorta agree with you i wasnt tryin to make it to complex or even complex at all sometimes sayin somthing simply is the best way to say i dont want what i just said to be takin wrong im not hateing on you cause you didnt like hell i sorta agree with you i thank you for takin the time to crit my stuff thanks

descenedent-182:thanks for the compliment i did crit yours i hope i was of some help to you. i agree that punk is not dead!!!!!!!

brianakirk: you are right about it being hard to get music to fit its very wierd sounding but when i wrote it i had noo intention of putting music to hell i was just ventin my frustrations with my friends problems about i almost didnt even post it. it was just strange feeling to
me, i however am VERY glad thats it gotten so much attention i mean jeez 756 views for a poem thats crazy to me im not sure if i have crited any of your stuff i try to crit everone thats crits and even a few that dont so if i have hope i could help and if i havent, then i will i check but anyways thanks for the compliment!!!!!

you know what scarlatti me either about the first three lines
i got a question for you do you crit as you go or read it and then crit as you i just crit as i go then make sure that it makes sense to me and if somthing in the begining i dont like but then the endin pulls everything together i dunno im ramblin anyways thank you for the crit
and is your crappy acoustic for sale?????????? im lookin

violinmore: im sure that you have plenty of talent why you dont think so is beyond me you twangy country piece wasnt half bad and it sounded good with the chords anyways i wouldnt be so hard on yourself but i do appreciate that you think that i have some talent
next thing you post if by some chance i miss it and dont crit it send me a link and i'll crit it
but just so i cover my bases thanks to everyone that has given me your input on this piece
and to THE HURT WITHIN i hope that i am following the rules to the T thanks everybody!!!!
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