#1
The poison breads the fuel that’s hidden inside,
As the fire burns in our eyes,
The people they don’t know what to think,
No voice for freedom to speak,

A senseless battle begins today,
A glimpse of hope shot away,

And the clock ticks on today,
And the clock ticks on today,

And when the days done,
When all the peace has come,
But we look and wonder,
Was it all a dream or myth?

Was it to good to be true?
Was it to good to break the grip?
Or will last the test of time?
and Fight through the senseless crimes?
But once we find where the freedom lies,
One will find what the truth hides,

And the clock ticks on and on,
And the clock ticks on and on,

What happened to the days where freedom ran wild?
And at what cost to society?
We wish we could say no war would take the news,
No politicians would force there views,
But in the end man will pay its do’s,

And the clock ticks on today,
And the clock ticks on today,

And the clock counties to tick on,

Crit for Crit
#2
i like how the clock ticks on is repeated.i kinda hear it like a sort of rise against song.the flow was good even though i don't really see the rhyming scheme
Quote by Gunpowder
The Pit is to intelligence what a black hole is to light; it's devoid of reason and logic, and nothing can escape it's shadowy depths. Once you enter, you cannot leave.
#3
It was good, just a small suggestion near the middle, instead of repeating 'and the clock ticks on and on' just say 'and the clock ticks on and on and on' and repeat the on and on into like a solo or a climax. They're just small suggestions because its pretty much perfect.
I love Cheezy Poofs, you love Cheezy Poofs,
If we didn't eat Cheezy Poofs, We'd be lame!

WHY SO SERIOUS SON!?
#4
yea your right it is a rise up against type song, and i like the idea of repeating on and on
oh and thanks for the comments
#5
Quote by Greg_23
The poison breads the fuel that’s hidden inside,
As the fire burns in our eyes,
The people they don’t know what to think,
No voice for freedom to speak,

Bread: # verb: cover with bread crumbs. Are you sure you mean 'breads'? Not 'breeds'? I like how you start this off with some imagery in the first two lines, but then you make it as bland as possible in the third line. Last line of the stanza is way overdone in this type of songs.

A senseless battle begins today,
A glimpse of hope shot away,

And the clock ticks on today,
And the clock ticks on today,

not much to say here, sounds a bit angsty too me. Can't say i like this, but i did not particularly dislike this either. it's okay i guess

And when the days done,
When all the peace has come,
But we look and wonder,
Was it all a dream or myth?

Was it to good to be true?
Was it to good to break the grip?
Or will last the test of time?
and Fight through the senseless crimes?
But once we find where the freedom lies,
One will find what the truth hides,

overused images, it's been done.

And the clock ticks on and on,
And the clock ticks on and on,

What happened to the days where freedom ran wild?
And at what cost to society?
We wish we could say no war would take the news,
No politicians would force there views,
But in the end man will pay its do’s,

so angsty. 'where freedom ran wild'. seriously, you have no idea how much freedom you have. anyway, i guess this stanza would work for the type of song you're going for, but as far as literary quality goes here, it was below average.

And the clock ticks on today,
And the clock ticks on today,

And the clock counties to tick on,




i'm in a really bad mood, so excuse me if i've been harsh. I did not like this, but I dont like this type of songs in general anyway. thanks for your crit on mine.