#1
This is a love song with more of a classic rock sound. Please tell me what you think even if you have tear it apart. There is going to be more but I want to see how I'm doing so far.


Verse1
You look at me l
like you don't even care
You act like
I don't have a prayer
Please just give me on shot
I promise you'll like what I got
You friends are telling you
that I am no good
I just wish you understood

Verse 2
You told me it could never work
Baby your my disease
and I can't find the cure
Your always on my mind
You make me want to break down and cry

Pre-Chorus
I just want to ask you this simple question

Chorus
Why can't we be together
Can't you see a love you
I would be true to you
And I would be there forever
Open up your eyes and see
that we were meant to be
I would grant you heart's desire
It would be my pleasure
Why can't we be together


So there it is Please give any suggestions.
#2
Okay, bad mood, so I'm going to keep this short. This is full of clichés and overused imagery. The rhyming was annoying and not very well executed. You started with a rhyming scheme, then left it for a while and got back to it in the chorus. It sounded like just another generic love song to me, and to be brutally honest with you, i think there's enough of those already. Of course, with the right music put to it it'll probably make a nice song, but i'm commenting purely on the lyrics and i'm sorry to say so but i didn't like it. i could rip this apart if you want, but i think i got my point across. You should try to use some original imagery, maybe a metaphor, something to spice it up. It's really bland and overdone at the moment. I hope that helped.
#4
i agree with acousticlegacy i liked it there are a few rhymeing issues but thats not any thing you cant change and honestly the only part that i didnt like was verse 2 i just didnt really think it flowed with everything else but other than that i really liked it keep up the good work and when you write somthing new send me a link in a priv message and i will gladly crit for you i hope was some help and if not sorry oh and thanks for the crit i appreciate it more than you know
#5
yeah its good as a whole, but some of the specific rhymes need some work. but other than that it was good (Y) interesting to see what you can do with it
Quote by Ed Hunter
Kick your brother in his penis adorned head.
#6
Quote by Jarrod316
This is a love song with more of a classic rock sound. Please tell me what you think even if you have tear it apart. There is going to be more but I want to see how I'm doing so far.


Verse1
You look at me l
like you don't even care
You act like
I don't have a prayer
Please just give me on shot
I promise you'll like what I got
You friends are telling you
that I am no good
I just wish you understood
I like the first two lines. The "I don't have a prayer" part doesn't really seem to fit though. Maybe something like "You act like you don't have a care"? I don't know. Also, the "i am no good" might flow better if it were "I ain't no good".

Verse 2
You told me it could never work
Baby your my disease
and I can't find the cure
Your always on my mind
You make me want to break down and cry

I'm not too huge on this stanza. I would cut out the "you told me it could never work" part, because it doesn't really seem to flow. I think starting this stanza out with something like "Baby you're a disease, and I'm sick without a cure" might flow better. The last line on there I feel has too many sylables in comparison to the rest of the stanza.

Pre-Chorus
I just want to ask you this simple question
this part seems kinda unnecessary

Chorus
Why can't we be together
Can't you see a love you
I would be true to you
And I would be there forever
Open up your eyes and see
that we were meant to be
I would grant you heart's desire
It would be my pleasure
Why can't we be together
this is pretty good. There are some changes I would make though. I wouldn't use "can't" as the first word in the second line since you already used that word before, maybe something like "Why can't we be together, don't you see that i love you?" for the next two lines maybe something like "I'd always be true, and I'd be there forever".


So there it is Please give any suggestions.

those are my thoughts on it.
#7
Bro, I would have to say I love this song. When I read it, a melody and a rythm immediately form in my head. I actually like when you say "You told me it could never work, baby your my disease." I thought that sounded really good. (At least with the beat that forms in my head, LOL.)

All in all good job mate. BTW My piece is called Interfearance if you wouldn't mind checking it out when you have time. Cheers.
#8
respecting the system of c4c, I'll give you a crit.

hopelessly cliche and completely devoid of sensory detail.

I'm taking Phantom1's approach to this piece.
what comes up comes out
Last edited by haunted_engines at Nov 13, 2007,
#11
I don't have time right now to write a full crit, but even if I did I couldn't help you much. I really liked it but there are some parts that are a little cliche, but I still think it's good. I also think you need to make it longer like with a verse or 2 more and a couple choruses. A great start though. C4C? (Look in my sig0
Last edited by k00kie M0nster at Nov 18, 2007,
#12
Ok, being that is essentially a love song, I've going to crit mainly on that.
Quote by Jarrod316
This is a love song with more of a classic rock sound. Please tell me what you think even if you have tear it apart. There is going to be more but I want to see how I'm doing so far.


Verse1
You look at me l
like you don't even care
You act like
I don't have a prayer
Please just give me on shot
I promise you'll like what I got
You friends are telling you
that I am no good
I just wish you understood

I think this one needs alittle more work than the others. I'm not altogether feeling the first four lines, but your last five are rather good, except your rhyming on the "I promise...etc." line is off with the others. Even though it's a love song, I think it'd work better if it was upbeat, kinda like Bob Dylan's "Subterreanen Homesick Blues".

Verse 2
You told me it could never work
Baby your my disease
and I can't find the cure
Your always on my mind
You make me want to break down and cry

Ok, I realize it's a love song, but you're alittle cliche' here. And, again, your rhyme scheme needs work.

Pre-Chorus
I just want to ask you this simple question

A pre-chorus isn't actually that bad an idea, considering it's an up-beat song.

Chorus
Why can't we be together
Can't you see a love you
I would be true to you
And I would be there forever
Open up your eyes and see
that we were meant to be
I would grant you heart's desire
It would be my pleasure
Why can't we be together

A tad cliche, try a little more description and imagery. But for a love song, it's a nice start.

So there it is Please give any suggestions.
My all gold grills give her cold chills
Said she gotta coke feel cuz I'm sooo trill.
#13
I agree with bits from all the above posts. I think at the moment as it stands it's not much more than a generic love song. However having said that i do believe there are some good ideas in here. In particular as also mentioned above, I like the line: "You told me it could never work, Baby your my disease, and I can't find the cure" but i think this is then spoiled by the two more generic lines that follow. It's very easy when you're strugling for lines to stick something generic in but in my opinion waiting for the golden lines pays off in the long run. Good luck!
#14
It's clichéd pretty badly in some places, like "breaking down", "disease/cure concept" etc...but I think if some synonyms or more vivid imagery was used, it could be half decent; maybe I'm crazy and the song sounds great with music behind it.

c4c mind's end, if you want to

Mark
#16
i thought it was ok
the verse 2 confused me cuz why wasnt it just added to verse 1 or do you want it to be a sort of break off?
#17
Quote by phantom1
Okay, bad mood, so I'm going to keep this short. This is full of clichés and overused imagery. The rhyming was annoying and not very well executed. You started with a rhyming scheme, then left it for a while and got back to it in the chorus. It sounded like just another generic love song to me, and to be brutally honest with you, i think there's enough of those already. Of course, with the right music put to it it'll probably make a nice song, but i'm commenting purely on the lyrics and i'm sorry to say so but i didn't like it. i could rip this apart if you want, but i think i got my point across. You should try to use some original imagery, maybe a metaphor, something to spice it up. It's really bland and overdone at the moment. I hope that helped.


ok thats a bit harsh, but dude i liked this piece i can defintely relate to it
#18
I actually changed the song a little. The first and second verse have been cut down and made into one verse and I am in the prosses of writing the second verse. So when I am done I will post the finished version. Thanks for the feedback Keep them coming.
#19
Quote by Jarrod316
This is a love song with more of a classic rock sound. Please tell me what you think even if you have tear it apart. There is going to be more but I want to see how I'm doing so far.


Verse1
You look at me
like you don't even care
You act like
I don't have a prayer
Please just give me on shot
I promise you'll like what I got
You friends are telling you
that I am no good
I just wish you understood

This rhyme scheme seems a little too forced in here. Also the line breaks seem to not be planned out well. A key thing about rhyming lines, I find that unless you can write two lines that rhyme well right away, it will end up sounding forced. Don't start writing it with intention of rhyming or it probably won't end up sounding natural.

Verse 2
You told me it could never work
Baby your my disease
and I can't find the cure
Your always on my mind
You make me want to break down and cry

I'm confused by why it's shorter in this verse, is there something missing? What happened to the rhyme scheme from the previous verse? In songwriting like this it's important to have consistency.

Pre-Chorus
I just want to ask you this simple question

Chorus
Why can't we be together
Can't you see a love you
I would be true to you
And I would be there forever
Open up your eyes and see
that we were meant to be
I would grant your heart's desire
It would be my pleasure
Why can't we be together

This is probably the strongest part from a song point of view, as it's consistent with the rhyming and structure. Try not to rhyme the same words with eachother though ("you").

Overall I think the subject matter is fairly cliche. It doesn't really cover new ground in terms of content, and your phrases are pretty generic. I guess in terms of a rock song it's alright, but you need to get more structure and consistency in this one.


So there it is Please give any suggestions.


There you go, good luck in the future.

#20
Quote by Jarrod316
This is a love song with more of a classic rock sound. Please tell me what you think even if you have tear it apart. There is going to be more but I want to see how I'm doing so far.


Verse1
You look at me l
like you don't even care
You act like
I don't have a prayer
Please just give me on shot
I promise you'll like what I got
You friends are telling you not really a good spot to end the line...
that I am no good
I just wish you understood

Verse 2
You told me it could never work
Baby your my disease
and I can't find the cure
Your always on my mind
You make me want to break down and cry
nothing really rhymes and misused your. should be you're
Pre-Chorus
I just want to ask you this simple question

Chorus
Why can't we be together
Can't you see a love you
I would be true to you
And I would be there forever
Open up your eyes and see
that we were meant to be
I would grant you heart's desire
It would be my pleasure
Why can't we be together
like it.


So there it is Please give any suggestions.


sorry kinda rushed through this...gotta get back to work. thanks for critting me
#21
good idea overall, but the rhyming didn't seem to follow a concrete pattern which would be the most important part of the song, other than meaning of course. And I couldn't help but try to sound it out like a rap song, lol..

nice work so far however, keep us posted
#22
Ok, Thanks for the crit.
I'll try to make my response as uninfluenced by those above

Nice love song,Something i would play for a loved one.
Or at least listen to and wallow in sadness.
Its a good thing btw.
The rhyming, although numerous is good.
Maybe cutting down on it abit more, adding abit more surprise to the song.
Cause they do know that if every line ryhemed it would be boring.

Only problem is the pre-chorus.
How is it gonna go down?
I mean 1 line?
Maybe with music.

Hope it helped!