#1
Suicide

[V1]
Die or survive it's still suicide
Dead or alive still I'll cry
You think you'll fly all you'll do is die(screamed)

[Chorus]
Suicide(whispered)
A permanent solution to the temporary problem
Suicide(screamed)
The end of our lives
Suicide(whispered)
Suicide(spoken)
Suicide(screamed)

[Reapeat V1]
[Chorus]

[V2 breakdown]

The end of your life is the end of mine
Cut your wrist and I'll cut mine

When you end your life mine doesn't go on
Tell me what have I done wrong
Damn suicidal look what you've done

[Repeat chorus until end]

This song is about my friend who's girlfriend is... well suicidal, he's in my band and I think this song is pretty good, but I want your input. Feel free to leave any thing you want but only constructive criticism please.

And don't criticize me for being "Emo" or any BS like that.
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*
Last edited by PunkRocker33133 at Nov 10, 2007,
#2
okay, constructive criticism. btw, im not anti emo at all, in face i love pop punk, emo, hardcore, post hardcore and every other genre that most people hate.

i think its a solid effort. i understand that this song deals with your band mates personal issues, however you have to realize that youre treading very very dangerous water writing about such a cliched topic... moreso a topic that is notorious for being butchered by songwriters who dont know what theyre doing. you did a decent job with this one, and i dont think that youve butchered the topic.

that said you could try to be more metaphorical to get around the obvious cheesiness in "suicide." metaphors are your friend in songwriting.

its good. i'm interested in your band as you talk of screaming and breakdowns hahaha. have any recordings for me to check out?
"These are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds; Handsome and smart. My toungue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart"
#3
Not great.

At least be a little subtle if you're going to try the emo teen angst thing.

EDIT: well since that is what you're going for, like above: be more subtle, more metaphors, paint a picture.

And I don't want to get off topic, but I'll just say calling everyone else conformist bastards when you seem to be conforming to nonconformism isn't gonna get you anywhere.
Last edited by CloserToTheSun at Nov 10, 2007,
#4
No, I wish we did, but we're a quartet the friend is the drummer, I'm the bassist, a female friend of mine is the singer and guitarist, and another female friend is lead guitar. I scream and we're looking for a keyboard. Our singer sounds like Paramore but more punky, our riffs are metal influenced emo, the drums are very John Bonham sounding (very hard hitter, with some decent fills) and we're working on recording but we're a tad broke.

and ok thank you, I had no clue how to approach this seeing as I'm a novice songwriter, and I thought bluntly would work and it seems to but I'll try subtlety.
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*
Last edited by PunkRocker33133 at Nov 10, 2007,
#5
n/p, aren't we all novice songwriters?

keep writing
"These are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds; Handsome and smart. My toungue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart"
#6
i'd recommend.... unless this is a short fast punk or s.o.d style song to add more verses or longer verses and don't get to stating Suicide right away... suicide is a strong word and you should save it for the most punctual uses. i think the bluntness is good but keep that for later on.... let it build up a little so people are in awe as to what you're talking about and then be like SUICIDE!!!! maybe put in a first verse as something like:

lost in a confusion
my soul entangled in your noose
of a future
our lives are illusions
your soul you awaken to abuse
with no future

make it an acoustic passage or something... that would be nice.

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#7
Quote by bootyguard
i'd recommend.... unless this is a short fast punk or s.o.d style song to add more verses or longer verses and don't get to stating Suicide right away... suicide is a strong word and you should save it for the most punctual uses. i think the bluntness is good but keep that for later on.... let it build up a little so people are in awe as to what you're talking about and then be like SUICIDE!!!! maybe put in a first verse as something like:

lost in a confusion
my soul entangled in your noose
of a future
our lives are illusions
your soul you awaken to abuse
with no future

make it an acoustic passage or something... that would be nice.


ok thanks I'll try something like that out and I was thinking of adding an acoustic passage I' just a very blunt person and was hard-pressed for more metaphors and things, but thank you.
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*