#1
OTS (as has been most things recently)


Mother gave us lots of crazy rules
and laws for us to abide by.
I remember one though,
and I’ll remember ‘til I die.

She told us never to run with scissors
and gruesome stories she would tell.
You’ll poke someones eyes out, she said,
but we’d do it anyway and she’d yell.

I came home from school one day,
and much to my surprise,
a puppy-dog was staring at me, tail wagging.
I stared back into his loving eyes.

I loved my dog and I loved his quirks,
his ways of making me laugh.
He’d play dead while I rubbed his belly,
and I’d share my dinner half and half.

But one day I forgot about those stories,
the ones I’d remember ‘til I die.
I ran with scissors in my hand,
and I pushed them through my dog’s left eye.

He howled and pain and ran from me
and I called his name but he whimpered away.
I ran to mother and she was so cross.
She said well isn’t this just the perfect day.

She took us both to the vet thereafter
and the vet looked at me and frowned.
He said that my dog would not live for long
and that it would be better just to put him down.

We buried him on Tuesday and I cried a lot.
I killed my dog, and now he’s under the ground.
Never will I forget that day no more
when I stabbed my dog, and those horrible sounds.
#2
Hmm... interesting lyrics but I hope they aren't based on the true story.
#3
lol. i liked it. only it did sound a bit like a school poem or something if you know that i mean
#4
put in some made up words and zoogily woogily webdingilingies and youve got yourself a dr. seuss poem.... although a bit gruesome.

other than that you've got good rhymes, but i don't like it as a song so much. unless its a parody of those childhood poems and songs. I can only really see it being demonstrated as a poem or read in a sing-song fashion.... which isnt good for most songs. try and make the rhyming and verse a little more interesting and less "mommy told me so" and you'll have a decent song.

btw plz crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709319

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#5
I agree a bit with bootyguard but not so much on the lessening of the mother guidance. I think that adds to what you were going for.

Quote by Dæmönika

She told us never to run with scissors
and gruesome stories she would tell.
You’ll poke someones eyes out, she said,
but we’d do it anyway and she’d yell.

He howled and pain and ran from me
and I called his name but he whimpered away.
I ran to mother and she was so cross.
She said well isn’t this just the perfect day.

We buried him on Tuesday and I cried a lot.
I killed my dog, and now he’s under the ground.
Never will I forget that day no more
when I stabbed my dog, and those horrible sounds.


I think that these don't flow too well, though that may have been something you chose. And was the "He howled and pain and ran from me" intentional?
#6
Wow...I loved it. I thought it was an AWESOME poem. Except in some places, the rhymes could use a bit of a touch up, and cut down on some syllable uses...imo.

But very good. 8/10.

cheers mate.

edit: crit my songs in my sig: