#1

So I walk towards her,
"Remember, Kyrl, put one foot
in front of the other". I look up
from my shoes and see everyone
standing around the cafeteria.
Smirks littering their faces,
the fact that I seem to have forgot
how to walk amuses them...

"Oh God, what foot am I on?"
I stop half-way through my step
to check. I have my right foot
on the floor and my left one
in the air.
Smack!
That was my flying thigh,
colliding with the grounded table,
but who cares? I know she does.
At least the one that’s smiling at me doesn’t.

Almost there, just a few more st-
“I have no money, for you, Kyrl”.
She is still smiling. How delightful.
Though I'm enraged with her.

I feel like shouting, cursing, her for ruining
my chance to speak with her. I don’t
need your repulsive money, or your
pathetic compassion. I open my mouth and

find myself musing over the fact that
there is never a detour once you hit
the dead end.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 11, 2007,
#2
Wow...really good. If I have any complaints at all its that it sounded a little too prose, a bit like a story arranged into lines with a certain syllable count...Otherwise its excelent.
What does the title mean?
#3
"People standing around the room
look at me and my awkwardness.
They are obviously amused."

even if you were going to match this awkward phrasing with what you are saying about with awkwardness, it still sounds really really strange and really hurts the flow.

I liked the foot thing throughout the piece, but you dont finish up on that or even expand on any possible metaphor which I was looking forward to.

The last line needs one or two more sylabbles in my opinion.

good. nice to see it has personal meaning. But could be much better. Work on the flow, it is too fractured to make me get into the piece. I get into it for two lines then slap! pithy line which sounds out of place and I'm out of it again.
#4
if you mean cul-de-sac as in the english word... they don't use that in french
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
"Well, it's a cul-de-sac, what do i do?" Is what the title means I think (I have very limited french)..

Anyway, I hated the title (again, that's about the fifth time in the last month I've seen a french title or a french reference, and it's getting annoying)..

The whole piece just screamed pretention to me, which seems to be a common theme across your work (sorry)..

I'll get back to it..
#7
Cul-de-sac is actually used in French. (To whomever said it wasn't.) Though, it has a more figurative meaning, most of the time. For streets and such, it's more "politically correct", for lack of better terms, to say "voie sans issue", though.


(As for the piece, I have mixed feelings; I couldn't really connect.)
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Nov 10, 2007,
#8
Quote by culex-knight
Cul-de-sac is actually used in French. (To whomever said it wasn't.) Though, it has a more figurative meaning, most of the time. For streets and such, it's more "politically correct", for lack of better terms, to say "voie sans issue", though.


(As for the piece, I have mixed feelings; I couldn't really connect.)

well no it's not, because 'cul' actually is a polite word for arse in french, so something simialr to what we might say 'behind'.

the word cul-de-sac is rarely used in french because of this , the word they preferably use is 'impasse' (f)

edit: on topic... i agree the piece is rather pretentious, spesh the ending line i'm afraid.

i'm critting it right now...

So I walk towards her, remember
it’s one foot in front of the other.
People standing around the room
look at me and my awkwardness.
They are obviously amused.

i don't really feel a flow to be honestly honest with you. the "remember" in the first line is really off IMO, i feel it would well as a "remembering", as in "i walk towards her, remembering that it is..." or perhaps maybe "remember etc..." in speech amrks so it's like a thought straight from your mind. i don't think it works as it is.

the next 2 lines are okay, don't really grab my attention though. the last line i don't like at all tbh. it's a bit forced and again doesn't capture my attention much.it's an okay opening overall, though tbh i wouldn't read on if i wasn't critting this...

Oh God, what foot am I on?
Smack, here comes my left
thigh, there goes the table, but
who cares? I know she does.
At least the one that’s smiling at me doesn’t.

again, first line should be in speech marks, would add some good impact. also, the first line is great, but the first and second together ruin it. in the first you're wondering which foot is due, i like that, good showing of representations blah blah i like showing thoughts etc etc. but then you go and contradict yourself. you wonder which foot it is, but then you seem to know? make up your mind! you cant say "ooh what foot is next - here comes left" i really think the mystery should be left.

i don't like the way you break lines, it doesn't give nay emphasis to it so jsut makes it seem like you're doing it to be arty and cool, it doesn't mean anything.

also, a nitpicky thing, in the last line, it really should be "the one who's etc"...

hmm this is alrighty roo, now i wanna read on...

Almost there, just a few more st-
“I have no money, for you, Kyrl”.
She is still smiling. How delightful.
Though I'm furious,

the first 3 lines are awesome, the last i don't like. i think you need to lose the 'though' at the start, would be better IMO

I feel like shouting at her, for ruining
my chance to speak with her, I don’t
need your stinking money, or your
pathetic compassion. I open my mouth and…

i don't like the use of the word 'stinking' but other than that a great stanza. can't fault it.


Blast it, no detours in dead-ends.

i don't like "blast it" sounds terribly pretentious and as if you don't actually care and are putting on a show. i don't like this ending as a whole, it doens't really fee complete.

hmm overall i think i've been pretty harsh and i'm sorry! i don't mean to be, i've just reread what i say and sorry i think this is a good base but definitely needs some work brushing it up and finalising.

i dunno just IMO

and bear in mind this is like the first crit i've done in a few motnhs so i'm probs just out of practise and taking out 3 months of no harsh criticism on you

yeah soz talk soon <33
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
Last edited by jallas at Nov 10, 2007,
#9
Sorry for giving advice on my native language.

You will probably more commonly see "voie sans issue" for a street. "Impasse" or "cul-de-sac" for more tenement-prone areas. "Impasse" would be used more situationally, a "dead-end-situation", so to speak. "Cul-de-sac" is still pliable for the reference of a street, but it's still used interchangeably with "impasse" for situations, although "impasse" is very much the preference there.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Nov 10, 2007,
#10
Thanks Cory... that's your name right? If not, thanks culex, to take away the uncomfortable situation.


<333 Alice. Come on chat more often!
#11
Kyrl this is the first one I really enjoyed of yours.

Good work. :]

Maybe replace "stinking" with "damn"?
Last edited by Leonheart at Nov 11, 2007,
#12
I gotta say man, I was reading your stuff in secret while I was banned, and for the most part what you've been doing has been atrociously pretentious on levels that I've never thought imaginable. And especially for a 15 year old who loves Jimi Hendrix and cites Animal Farm as one of his favorite books. I mean Hell, I could read Animal Farm during a 30 minute lunch break at work. I just don't know what your inspiration to write like that is.

But I also gotta say that I kind of liked this.
Simple, cute. You hung the pretensions up at the door and were able to do something that wasn't trying to hard to impose it's intellectual superiority.

Keep doing stuff like this if you can.
Poor advice.
#13
Quote by stellar_legs
I gotta say man, I was reading your stuff in secret while I was banned, and for the most part what you've been doing has been atrociously pretentious on levels that I've never thought imaginable. And especially for a 15 year old who loves Jimi Hendrix and cites Animal Farm as one of his favorite books. I mean Hell, I could read Animal Farm during a 30 minute lunch break at work. I just don't know what your inspiration to write like that is.

But I also gotta say that I kind of liked this.
Simple, cute. You hung the pretensions up at the door and were able to do something that wasn't trying to hard to impose it's intellectual superiority.

Keep doing stuff like this if you can.


I agree, I liked this more than some of the other ones I've read by you. Too often I feel like I'm being talked down to when I read your stuff. I find that a lot on these forums though, and it's not just you. I guess I'm just not as big a fan of the more complicated or sophiscated stuff as I am of something more direct or simple.

That aside, the only things I can pick out in this one is the "forgot" at the beginning which I think should be "forgotten". Also, I know you changed the ending, but I don't like the use of "musing". It seems like something I'd do when I'm relaxed, and the previous stanza you're showing some pretty strong hostilities.

Please check out my drunken stream-of-consciousness poem Chris Walken, if you can find the time!
#15
The italization (Sp?) of the pronouns is what makes the poem great and it reminds me of the poems you read in your Literature Book in high school. I really like this piece. Bravo.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710892. Incase you're feeling generous.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.