#1
Ok this is a song i wrote a couple days back and have been figuring out a riff and stuff for it but cant think of a verse. please crit

There's a feeling deep inside of me
And im just dying to see (said fast)
What the F**k is going on
With me they say its irreversable


I'm trying to sleep away the pain
but all i feel is shame
I can't grasp what's going on
Is it a broken hard or a soulfull song

Tick tock all i hear is a clock
Is it real or just a playful mock?
There's a hole im my heart
That I'm filling with pills.

I've watched you change
While I was caged
I watched you slip through my hand
like a pile of sand, Emptyness.

suggestions are cool =)
#3
dont use F**k
it doesnt fit in well. go with hell, or something like that.
#4
In the first stanza I might try to find another word for "just" or omit it completely. Perhaps try to find a substitute for the "f" word--something clever.

In the second stanza, what do you mean by "broken hard"?

The third stanza is very good!

The forth stanza is good, but I'm not sure how the last word "emptiness" would be said to sound good.

Would this be sung in the metal genre?

If you could crit my song "Edge of Existence", I would appreciate that a lot. It's here on the front page : )
Last edited by NocturnalOats at Nov 10, 2007,