#1
Alright, I don't really consider myself i writer. This idea just popped into my head one day and i wrote it down to the best of my ability. Not really sure about the title.


Breathe in, breathe out and breathe in again
Last breath before the plunge
Running away rather than chasing after
Fragments of unspoken words

I'm done crying, she said
And walked away forever
But let's be real
We could both do so much better

Closing my eyes and releasing my thoughts
I'll connect with the world outside
Breathe in breathe out and breathe in again
Just give me a reason why

The sun still in my eyes
Still strong and I can't see
Tripping over in the brightest darkness
Urging to know what is happening around me

As we spin the circle around
I beg to be released
To be emancipated from time
And forever be pleased

Blinded with rage, we burned all the bridges
Maybe it was for the better, so we can never go back
Uncertain is the path ahead
Behind us the sky is turning black
#2
that's really good, it's deep, but you get a good sense of what your doing

the only thing about it is it sounds like you're jumping around with your ideas. other than that, it's sweet
#4
Quote by Lauster
that's really good, it's deep, but you get a good sense of what your doing

the only thing about it is it sounds like you're jumping around with your ideas. other than that, it's sweet



Thanks, man. I get what you mean by "jumping around". I was kind of in a hurry and may have incorporated a little to many ideas in one piece without really connecting them.
#5
I really like it and I want to give a full blown critique but I don't really see anything that could be improved other than it seems a little bit jumbled, however, I actually kind of think it works well for the song. Keep up the intelligent lyrics : )

If you would critique mine, "Eternal Amber" which is on this main page, I would appreciate it a lot.
#6
Hey Patrick, since you helped me so much with the "Eternal Amber"--yes, it sounds a lot better now!

Do you think you could critique one other song I have on here that's titled: "Edge of Existence"?

If you have any other songs on here you would like me to critique or if you put more up in the future I will be more than happy to critique them.
#7
I love it!

There were some very smart lines. The fourth stanza/verse really stood out to me. I thought it was genius.

It was straightforward enough to be easily understandable, but vaguely obscure.

Great job!

This Guy is Stupid.
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#8
Quote by Checker
I love it!

There were some very smart lines. The fourth stanza/verse really stood out to me. I thought it was genius.

It was straightforward enough to be easily understandable, but vaguely obscure.

Great job!


Thank you and the rest of you who have commented. I feel I have gained some confidince to write more, and I have gained some perspective.
#9
i really like this
kinda subtle but not, if you get me
the first, second and last versy things are the strongest
#10
Quote by cofinboy
i really like this
kinda subtle but not, if you get me
the first, second and last versy things are the strongest


Thanks. Funny thing, I wrote those parts first and then left it for a few days before adding the rest.