#1
I wrote this song a little while back and I never finished it. This is the portion I have finished. Also, if you could help me think of a title that would be great. When I thought of this song I was thinking of a war. The first and third part of the song are the kind of thoughts and emotions that the losing army has, and the chorus (Bring me your misery... and on...) is the way that the winning army see's things. Constructive critism will be appreciated!

Anyway, here it goes.

Untitled

Wrap the noose around your neck
In due time you'll end up dead
The time is near, you have no fear
You make the plans to presevere
You're consumed, immersed in dread
The time has come to salute your death

Bring me your misery
Bring me your pain
It's your forfeit
Yet my domain

Determination has come atlast
Unfortunately that time has passed
You're bound to die in these obscure lands
No one even offered to lend you a hand

Bring me your misery
Bring me your pain
It's your forfeit
Yet my domain
Last edited by DerekDudage at Nov 10, 2007,
#2
I like it. It weighs up two opposing views very well.
As for the title, how about something along the lines of 'Points of View'?
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Custom
Epiphone EDS-1275
Epiphone Les Paul
Schecter C-1+
Peavey Delta Blues
#3
It's ok. I would main thing i would change is i would only make it's viewpoint through one side of the fight.
#4
See, I would make it one side, but would you really have known that it was 2 sides if I would have told you? See, for the majority of the people, it's not the lyrics.. or even understanding, them. It's usually the song itself. But anyway, yeah, thanks for the critique.
#5
I like it. Has a dark mood about it that feels authentic. Good flow and really interesting to read. I like how you described it from different perspectives.
As for a title, i dunno. How about My Domain?
#6
Thanks for the critique. I'll gather all of the titles up when I get enough and look them over with the band.
#7
I can honestly say if it wasnt for you telling me I wouldnt have guessed it was from two different perspectives. It was okay, I think. I'd adjust some of what I see as cliches, like nooses, misery and pain. Is this a metal song?
#8
I was thinking of writing it to be a metal song, it's more of what we are. When I say metal I don't mean the completely distorted crap, I mean the early 90's - late 80's metal.. The good stuff, the stuff that MTV USED to show, haha.
#10
Eh, I guess you could say that some of the guitar work is relative to Metallica, but my vocals are not much like James.. cleaner.
#12
Yeah, those are cool maan.
When a man lies he murders some part of the world
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives
All this I cannot bear to witness any longer
Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?