#1
tihs one is gonna be short but hopefully decent enough for people to tell me it sucks
so i look forward to the crits oh and its a short poem.


lets see why cant the trees be green.

why is the grass just not florishing.

and the water it looks so bad.

maybe its the fish maybe they are just sad.

and those trees i think they are more than they seem.

but to me i think it was just a dream.

the one that makes you think.

the one that fills your mind with **** that stinks

but who knows it could just be me in my dreams forever uninviting.
Last edited by cjsquid at Nov 10, 2007,
#2
"Its metal...for FISH!!!"(metalocalypse fans will get that one)XD!!! sorry couldnt resist. nice song dude.
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#3
Sounds like something my drummer would say

Its definetly not horrible
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#4
thank guys i appreciate the crits oh and WEREMAIN i love the killer smilelys there great
if you guys have anything that you want me to crit send me a link and i will gladly crit for you anyways thanks again
#5
Quote by cjsquid

Your spacing kills me...

lets see why cant the trees be green.
I'd rather you start with the rhetorical question... just start with 'why' I think it better serves the purpose of the piece instead of starting it with an 'inquizative' phrase.

why is the grass just not florishing.
and the water it looks so bad.
Take out 'just' its unnecessary and slows the piece down.

maybe its the fish, maybe they are just sad.
and those trees; i think, they are more than they seem.
Take out 'they,' again it's unnecesary and just slows the piece down.

but to me, i think it was just a dream.
Take out 'to' again... unnecessary

the one that makes you think.
the one that fills your mind with **** that stinks
but who knows it could just be me in my dreams, forever uninviting.

The second line smells (buh-duh-tsch) of filler and forced rhyme. I'd try something else that has more meaning. The last line is good though, a neat concept of dreams being strange and uninviting.





Overall, the piece wasn't terrible. Did I enjoy it a lot? Not really. But I kinda got the point you were going for. I just feel like there were too many unneccesary words in there, the rhyme scheme was so forced that it didn't add to the piece and if anything it limited your creativity and expressiveness and hindered the piece. This one isn't going to win any awards... but it also wasn't repulsive.

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peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#6
thats cool zanas cross the only problem is it doesnt have any meaning whatsoever it wasnt meant to it was just some brain vomit and i thought it was kinda neat but i do appreciate the detailed breakdown i personally dont think you should have spent so much time trin to figure it out because there is nothing to figure out its totally and utterly meaning-less i dont normally write stuff like that but once again thanks for taking the time to read my piece and then critin it and i'll crit your piece for sure.
#7
I don't know whether this is meant to be serious or not, but the "maybe its the fish maybe they are just sad." line made me laugh out loud came out of nowhere..

if it's meant to be comical, then it's terrific, if it's meant to be serious, then I think a little more work is needed .. (e.g, words like "bad" and "sad" in a poem just send someone to sleep, too basic to even bother)