#1
Okay, I think its about time I posted something new, so...
This one is based on something I read in the news, when a guy was drink driving and had an accident, and his girlfriend was killed in the crash. (I know, I'm a little ray of sunshine sometimes). Well, feel free to tell me how much it sucks...C4C of course...


I bought you this red book
For a valentine
Not because I knew the words,
Because the colur made me think of you
In june, with laughter in your eyes
I cant win, its cruel but I need this disguise
So I'll camouflage myself with poetry and red wine
But I'll die nevertheless, in time

You wont remember it,
That rainy night,
but I remember it
I remember and wish to god I'd seen sense
I drove us home distorted, such a mess
I alowed myself one stupid lapse and paid in irony
And now I am alone, you cant forgive me

So I sit alone and read
Through tears and folded corners
As if you could talk to me
Through something deep between the lines
A meaning far to swift for me to claim
Sitting between ignorance and blame
I watch the pictures in my head and hope for an excuse
But I've given all I can, its no use

I take a match out of the box
And light it on your stone
I put it to the mocking words
So they might forget me
And give me some respite from their guilt
Cease their haunting of what I've rebuilt
They kill all of the flowers growing here
Like memories I planted out of fear
And guilt that my own hands could drive you mute
Or a cut so deep that none can see the root
But I cant hide behind these lies, I know
As long as you remain within me
The seed wont grow
Last edited by Cacophonaut at Nov 10, 2007,
#2
Quote by Cacophonaut

I bought you this red book
For a valentine
Not because I knew the words,
Because the colur made me think of you
In june, with laughter in your eyes
I cant win, its cruel but I need this disguise
So I'll camouflage myself with poetry and red wine
But I'll die nevertheless, in time

Hi. Ok, first this just didn't flow to me at all. I couldn't find any sort of metre that worked.... which takes away from the meaning, because I'm stumbling over what you are saying instead of swimming in it. I think this could say a lot more if you found some sort of syllable pattern to it... that way its not 6, 5, 6, 10, 8, 11... but maybe something like 6,5,4,5,6... I think it will add a lot to the flow.

Second... you really need to punctuate this and make it make more sense. For example, instead of ending on words in the third line, you should end with 'but.' It gives more cohesion to the next line. Similarly, I think you should line break after 'think' in the 4th line, that way you are meshing your piece together more... making it not seem like choppy thoughts rearranged into a story.


You wont remember it,
That rainy night,
but I remember it
I remember and wish to god I'd seen sense
I drove us home distorted, such a mess
I alowed myself one stupid lapse and paid in irony
And now I am alone, you cant forgive me

The third line, fix it somehow... say something like, "but I will never forget" that way you aren't using 'it' twice and it adds to the flow. Lines 4 and 5 are good... very strong, I like the way you said it. I don't think 'paid in irony' is what you were going for... I think you were meaning something more along the lines of paid indirectly, by losing the partner... but I'm not sure. I think the last line would read better as,

'and now I am all alone, without you to forgive me." becuase it reiterates the death and makes it seem more personal and not focused on the forgivness, so much as the
'without you.'


So I sit alone and read
Through tears and folded corners
As if you could talk to me
Through something deep between the lines
A meaning far to swift for me to claim
Sitting between ignorance and blame
I watch the pictures in my head and hope for an excuse
But I've given all I can, its no use

This is your best stanza... I like the idea, I think it was fairly well conveyed. The last two lines are the meat of the piece... and I think they work well. type out 'it is' in the last line for more emphasis. Good work.

I take a match out of the box
And light it on your stone
I put it to the mocking words
So they might forget me
And give me some respite from their guilt
Cease their haunting of what I've rebuilt
They kill all of the flowers growing here
Like memories I planted out of fear
And guilt that my own hands could drive you mute
Or a cut so deep that none can see the root
But I cant hide behind these lies, I know
As long as you remain within me
The seed wont grow


Good idea again, I like this take on mourning at the headstone. The main problem here isn't content but flow... this is good but seems to trip over itself. Consider rephrasing the lines so that they have a better swing to them... as it is, its a nightmare to make read because it feels like you are reading history... its choppy and brash. It needs to be softer in my opinion, in order to accomplish better what you are going for.


Overall, good piece. I think you have some good ideas on what you are presenting and how to do so... my main problem is flow. It just doesn't feel good to read, as it is constantly tripping over itself. Fix that up and you'll have a good little piece.

c4c on social lice (link in sig) please

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#3
Thanks, bear in ming though this is a song not a poem, and the complex chord progression I have makes it all make sense when it is played, however I know what youre saying, that it doesnt feel right to read. Each stanza is separated into four lines of nine beats and (not strictly) six syllables. The second half is composed of couplets and slows the beat down by half, with eight beats per line, and the last couplet is longer again.
Its hard to explain all this coherently without a recording to show you how it flows, but it does. Anway, if any further crit's coud focus on the words and the imagery but not the metre, I'd be appreciative. Thanks
#5
I really like it. But I think that this is almost to much. I see it as a slow paced song. But you have way to much in here. Shorten it down a bit and work on your flow, I don't see it. But then again maybe you do, it is all in the writers view.

My suggestion would be cut one of those out maybe, but not necessarily. But add a chorus, does not have to be anything to great. A short and simple one can do wonders.
#6
Quote by skagitup
perhaps rename to "A collection of cliche's and forced rhymes"


Be more constructive you arsehole.
I've read your posts and they're hardly fecking masterpeices either.
#7
Quote by skagitup
perhaps rename to "A collection of cliche's and forced rhymes"


While this harsh, he has a point. Some of this is a little cheesy, but it flows nicely and your imagery is impressive. I also like your adjectives and such...vocabulary is good. Yeah.

In june, with laughter in your eyes
^win.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#8
Nothing I can really crit, its a hundred times better than anything i could write

I love it. Great.
#9
I have made some rather dramatic alterations, namely, condensed four stanzas into two, revised the imagery and removed most of the lines. Its practically a different peice. Not sure if I'm adhering to the rules by posting this as a reply, or if I should just edit the main peice, but here it is anyway...


I bought you this red book
For a valentine
Not because I knew the words,
Because the colour made me think of you
A winter flower I remember
Growing outward from the bitter snowy stain
Like a candle in the darkness of december
Seting light to paper lanterns that we made
Or a comets tail sprawled out beneath the gutter
Bent round in holy cirlces errant anchor
Once wrapped around your finger
To accuse or beckon me
Now retains the naked figure
Which I left her

And I remember it
As I sit alone and read
Of rain and accidents
Like you could talk to me
Through icy petals drifting to the street
A happiness forsaken for a crutch
Some dying carousel on which we meet
Circling like a dance, but never touch
To touch is to collide, so I draw back
Or wish I had, its much too late for that
The match flame swallows paper
like it could consume my guilt
But only ash remains
And memories just wilt
#11
Quote by Cacophonaut



I bought you this red book
For a valentine
Not because I knew the words,
Because the colour made me think of you
A winter flower I remember
Growing outward from the bitter snowy stain Good imagery, nice choice of words
Like a candle in the darkness of december A bit cliche
Seting light to paper lanterns that we made
Or a comets tail sprawled out beneath the gutter This is confusing
Bent round in holy cirlces errant anchor This too
Once wrapped around your finger
To accuse or beckon me
Now retains the naked figure
Which I left her

And I remember it
As I sit alone and read
Of rain and accidents
Like you could talk to me
Through icy petals drifting to the street I like this line, nice image
A happiness forsaken for a crutch
Some dying carousel on which we meet
Circling like a dance, but never touch
To touch is to collide, so I draw back
Or wish I had, its much too late for that
The match flame swallows paper
like it could consume my guilt
But only ash remains
And memories just wilt


Nice job... It gets a clicheish.. but you have a couple really good lines in there. You chose some very good adjectives and tasteful comparisons in a lot of sections. It gets confusing though, consider revising a couple parts to make them more clear maybe.
#12
wow! i read the first one, then the rewrite, and the improvement is phenomenal!

(i've seen my songs transform like that, but not so dramatically or eloquently)

i was cringing a little bit through the first version, but reading your altered one was like a breath out of water :]

GREAT job

Yeah. The rumors are true. I'm a twat.
#13
Much, much better after the revisions. Really enjoyed it.

Great writing.

I edited out my previous post, as it is no longer relevant.

EDIT: Sorry for the bump.