#1
Notes before hand: This is written as a song. The first two verses have been written over the course of a couple days, the last two in a couple minutes... please be harsh on all of them. Please also let me know how it flows... that's the thing I'm working on most right now. C4C.


---Social Lice---

Shed the shell,
show empty soul,
prove you're nothing more...
Than a hollow, mindless hypocrite
like the people you adore.

Break the ice,
spread social lice,
scratch the itch you give...
when you start the conversation
I never will forgive

You beamed me up,
you sucked me in,
you transformed me into you...
now I'm empty; like your head
my motivation split in two.

Loose my bonds,
cut my chains,
clip the noose that holds me down...
because now I know your fake
and I'll turn this life around.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 11, 2007,
#3
clip the noose?
idk, im not that great in the grammar department, but that just sounds better to me
but everything else i like alot
it flows really well
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Notes before hand: This is written as a song. The first two verses have been written over the course of a couple days, the last two in a couple minutes... please be harsh on all of them. Please also let me know how it flows... that's the thing I'm working on most right now. C4C.


---Social Lice---

Shed the shell,
show empty soul,
prove you're nothing more...
Than a hollow, mindless hypocrit I find that this line throws it out of sync a bit
like the people you adore.

Break the ice,
spread social lice,
scratch the itch you give...
when you start the conversation
that I never will forgive

You beamed me up,
you sucked me in,
you transformed me into you...
now I'm empty; like your head
my motivation split in two.I really like this verse exept these last two lines, butI think this would work nicely a chorus.

Loose my bonds,
cut my chains,
clip noose that holds me down...
because now I know your evil This line is A.Slightly cliche, and B. Slightly throws the flow off
and I'll turn this life around.


Overall,this could use some improvement and some additions, but you are definetly on the right track.
#7
Shed the shell,
show empty soul,
prove you're nothing more...
Than a hollow, mindless hypocrit
like the people you adore.

to me it didnt really sit too well it just doesnt have a good feel about but flowed nicely

Break the ice,
spread social lice,
scratch the itch you give...
when you start the conversation
that I never will forgive

flowed ****ing beautifully i loved this verse i have nothin bad to say about this

You beamed me up,
you sucked me in,
you transformed me into you...
now I'm empty; like your head
my motivation split in two.

the 1st 2 lines i dont like but the next line and i think i kinda get what your tryin to say and the last line my motivation split in two really liked it sits great with me

Loose my bonds,
cut my chains,
clip noose that holds me down...
because now I know your evil
and I'll turn this life around.

i think you forgot "the" in front of noose but maybe you meant it to be like that
and i dont really like how that you wrapped it up to me i think you could've done a much better job on the ending
anyways i appreciate the crit you gave me
im gonna check out your other stuff soon maybe tonight
#8
Quote by ZanasCross


Shed the shell,
show empty soul,
prove you're nothing more...
Than a hollow, mindless hypocrite <---Typo?
like the people you adore.
It flowed okay, but somehow dodnt feel right, I think it was the fact that it was five lines rather than four, which would have worked better with this rhyming structure.

Break the ice,
spread social lice,
scratch the itch you give...
when you start the conversation
that I never will forgive
I dont think I like the opening couplet here, too perfect a rhyme for my liking. I'm assuming, since this is a song, the structure will work, but written down it just doesnt sit right for me. The reversal of syntax in the last line feels rather amateurish, if I'm honest, I'm assuming it was done for structural purposes, but I dont think you need "that" at the beginng, it makes the line overlong without contributing much.

You beamed me up,
you sucked me in,
you transformed me into you...
now I'm empty; like your head
my motivation split in two.
I liked this one actually, nice flow to it, and some good images. I think you need to re-think "motivation" as it doesnt feel like the word that ought to be used here.

Loose my bonds,
cut my chains,
clip noose that holds me down...
because now I know your evil
and I'll turn this life around.
Wrong image here, a noose holds you up, not down. I think "evil" is a very cliche'd sort of word, Im sure you could come up with something more original, I just hate it when people talk about "evil", especially in metal, it just sounds daft.
Otherwise its good, a nice conclusion. Its no masterpeice and its not terribly subtle, but I liked it anyway, it did have a good flow to it, and I'm assuming the odd structure works for you somehow...Yeah, pretty solid peice.



Peace
Dave.
#9
It seems as if someone's been listening to Tool?

Or that's just what I get. I like the flow and the quickness of it. Although, some lines seemed a little... cliche I guess. Some lines just sounded a tad cheesy.

The last stanza is the best. It exemplifies a new beginning after something horrible. The lines of hope that are written are often the best.


Overall, I liked it. Sounds like it could be a cool rock song.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#10
So, I just realized that in just reading this, the flow isn't as spectacular as it sounds in my head.... but I appreciate the comments... just know that in my head it has a very good rythym to it.

*updated it with some of the suggestions*

And motivation is what I wanted... its a little more of a personal meaning with that one, because of the situation that inspired this. But, I can definitely see why it doesn't make sense to you all.

-ZC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 11, 2007,
#11
^I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with you on that last part of your post, poetry, while a great deal subjective, you can tell when its good. A quote from someone on my forum "Poetry is like pornography...bear with me... there's no real objective defenition of it, but you know it when you see it." So that's why this section of the forum is anything but pointless.


Okay one problem that grabbed me is the part about clipping a noose that holds you down. I don't generally think of nooses as holding you down, more like.... keeping you up. Also explore possibilites for a different word besides "clip"

I liked the first stanza. Its that classic idea of an empty shell, i guess. While the flow is a little strange and the idea not the most original, i like what you've done with it and I think a good melody could carry it.

I like the ambiguity of the "never forgive" part, but I'm wondering if you can find a different word than 'ice' to rhyme with 'lice' sure its the obvious choice, but break the ice is a cliche, and it seems to have little relevance with the rest of the stanza.

I like the kind of alien image here, i get a sense of violation, kind of, from this stanza. However, the last line is really weak and its hard to see how its related.

and that's all i've got for now
what comes up comes out
#12
Shed the shell,
show empty soul,
prove you're nothing more...
Than a hollow, mindless hypocrite
like the people you adore.

LIKE THIS FIRST VERSE BESIDES HYPOCRITE IT DOESNT FLOW WELL MAYBE USE SOMETHING ELSE

Break the ice,
spread social lice,
scratch the itch you give...
when you start the conversation
I never will forgive

keep this verse the same i like this one a lot it's got flow and just good overall

You beamed me up,
you sucked me in,
you transformed me into you...
now I'm empty; like your head
my motivation split in two.

last 2 lines to flow for me and just don't make sense in that verse seems like you forced it in

Loose my bonds,
cut my chains,
clip the noose that holds me down...
because now I know your fake
and I'll turn this life around

like everythings except noose.

Overall this is pretty damn good I would say cept for a few lines you should work on but i will give you 3.5 4 stars fix those lines and it will be sick.
CRIT mine emptyness final