#1
I opened the door and walked down my front steps.
I walked into the cold void of space.

As I watched myself travel from star to star in a vessel of
tin cans
I smiled and thought of the cold. And what It would bring me.
Would it bring me back?
what about you?


Could the stars, the stars in you eyes
soar like my little tin can ship?

My heart exploded from the lack of oxygen, my blood froze
in my veins.
why am I not dieing?
could it be?
did all the truth in the universe add up to lies?

I asked myself the question over and over
as I floated
as I floated through my void.
The cold was pressing in on my lungs.
I was still alive, though everything was going black.
was everything going black?
or was I just going blind?
I searched the cosmos of my mind for the answer, the one
underlying truth of my personal universe.

I asked the stars
they didn't know
I asked the sun
He couldn't tell

who were these cosmic entities?
these entities clouding my mind?
Why didn't they know?
why can't they tell?

I walked back through the void of space
and time in my mind.
Back up the front porch steps and back into my door.
Was I back?
#2
Very interesting piece sir. A few things I didn't and a few things I did, like.

dislikes:
- Not feeling much of a flow to this one, though I feel like the content more than makes up for that. The problem is it reads a lot like prose.
-The mention of a 'you' twice at the beginning then never again. I think you can remove this and it will help keep the piece focused better.


Likes:

-The going blind line.
-The idea behind this piece... its very good.
-the stars and moon can't tell you stanza.


Overall, this was quality. I liked the content, and the way it was delivered. Sure, some parts could have been written a little better, and it really bothered me (even on the first reard) that you mentioned a 'you' and never expanded on that or even touched on it again.

Good work, and thanks for looking at my piece.

-ZC
#3
The lines are very intriguing. I understand that you were going for a prose-style writing, but this is a very rough flow. The words aren't smooth enough and even though I could tell this was from a first-person perspective at the very beginning of the writing - you still reminded the reader over and over again. The repetition of "I" really knocked these interesting stanzas down a notch. The imagery was good, but there was a few times where I believe you could've snuck in a color or shape to help out with it. You definitely have talent, don't get me wrong - I like this. 6.5/10
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.