#1
I'm hoping this doesn't come out as senseless blather... The piece makes sense to me...

They're lyrics, which I would probably put to a calming, acoustic song.
I wanted to write the lyrics before the music so it would come out more obscure.
I think it did...
I'm really new to writing, especially not to a melody, so the rhythm is probably screwed. That's kind of what I wanted though =/
It's really short, but I'm not sure I want to make it longer. By no means do I think it's good, but I've taken a liking to the piece. I'd like to keep it short.

I know there isn't much there, but crits/help will be appreciated. I'll crit back. but seeing as I don't really know anything... they'll probably be useless =/
I'd also like ideas to add to it... Thankee



Turn your back on me,
Or face what must become
Have you seen the things this knife has done?
Dear, you'll be better off without me here
But I don't want whats best
I want you to feel like I'm alive again
Just to put you through hell

This Guy is Stupid.
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Last edited by Checker at Nov 11, 2007,
#2
I like them! I'm guessing there is some real motive/emotion behind them Just keep some kind of rhythm in your head and read the lyrics to the rhythm just to see if they go. But well done!
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(")_(")
Help Bunny gain world domination by copying and pasting him in your sig or webpage.

ANDY!!!
#3
Quote by Andy2k64
I like them! I'm guessing there is some real motive/emotion behind them Just keep some kind of rhythm in your head and read the lyrics to the rhythm just to see if they go. But well done!


Oh yes... there is lots of emotion in it... I'm glad that it comes out even somewhat in this piece. Thankee sir

This Guy is Stupid.
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#4
i belive that melody is everyththing. but you can ruin the perfect melody with bad lyrics. all im saying is that, in most cases the song turns out better if you write melody before lyrics. the melody is the drawing, the lyrics are the color.
#5
Turn your back on me,
Or face what must become
Have you seen the things this knife has done?
You'll be better off here without me, dear
But I don't want whats best
I want you to feel like I'm alive again
Just to put you through hell

1st, 2nd, and 3rd line are good

4th line, you might want to consider changing the order of the lyrics:

"Dear, you'll be better off without me here"

5th line, and 6th line are good

Overall, I enjoyed it. It is short, straightforward, and grabs my attention.

-----

If you could crit either "Eternal Amber" or "Edge of Existence" I would appreciate it very much. They are both on this front page and I will probably add them to my sig shortly : )
#6
I have no way of knowing what it's about, but I have some ideas. What's important is that I can tell it IS about something, you are describing authentic emotions for sure and it's a really pretty piece. I agree with NocturnalOats about the fourth line, seems to flow alot better but i guess that might just be personal taste. Anyhow, it was pretty good and it caught my attention.

Crit mine if you want, "Fragments of unspoken words", same page.
#7
Oats - thank you for the suggestion on the fourth line, the way you worded it flows much nicer

Pat - Thank you. It's very reassuring to know you can sense the emotion in it. The piece is about some...well... odd/confusing feelings and events. I wouldn't really expect anyone to get what it was about, but I didn't want it to sound like senseless blather.

This Guy is Stupid.
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#8
Quote by Checker
Oats - thank you for the suggestion on the fourth line, the way you worded it flows much nicer

Pat - Thank you. It's very reassuring to know you can sense the emotion in it. The piece is about some...well... odd/confusing feelings and events. I wouldn't really expect anyone to get what it was about, but I didn't want it to sound like senseless blather.


No problem man.

I have a favor to ask since you gave me such great help with my song, "Edge of Existence". If you have time, I would appreciate it so much if you would critique my song titled "Eternal Amber". I think it's pretty good as it is, but you never know, lol.

If you have any other songs, I will be more than willing to critique or songs in the future you might post here as well.

If not, that is fine and I'm just happy you helped out so much with the other song!