#1
No title as of yet..

Pathetic as it might be
Pathetic as it is that i've
made a new personality to tell you
but once in a while i'm struck
with a moment of enlightenment.

For the record while i can tell you
All the dreams of you have changed
Now that you're gone from my life
I can't get rid of you.
But they've changed, i'll dream of
any communication. Not even a voice now
but a vision not of you but of your mind
You always came across as a mind to me

What i want is that day back. Where we
lived alone, you and me. We watched four wheels
and a flimsy piece of wood, and we both pretended
to enjoy it.
Then we made something worth watching of our own.

But it's not until now I realise it's not
anyones fault we cant have that. It was meant
to work but some people can ruin something that
was building all by itself.

I wont say the words. And I don't expect to hear
them. Or see them.
However.
You were right.
He is up there, and i'll be the same until I
am brave enough to find him.
#2
Quote by 7daycrisis
No title as of yet..

Pathetic as it might be
Pathetic as it is that i've
made a new personality to tell you
but once in a while i'm struck
with a moment of enlightenment.
Pretty good opening, but re-think the repetition of "pathetic" in the firts two lines, it doenst sit right. Otherwise its s good opening, the last line sets up the second stanza nicely. No complaints

For the record while i can tell you
All the dreams of you have changed
Now that you're gone from my life
I can't get rid of you.
But they've changed, i'll dream of
any communication. Not even a voice now
but a vision not of you but of your mind
You always came across as a mind to me
I think you need a comma in between "record" and "while", to berak up what feels like a confusing sentence. I like the contradictory nature of the second and third lines. Always an aphoristic way to say something. In the seventh line you need to remove one of the "but"s, two in one line feels wrong.

What i want is that day back. Where we
lived alone, you and me. We watched four wheels
and a flimsy piece of wood, and we both pretended
to enjoy it.
Then we made something worth watching of our own.
Nice and nostalgic, quite a beautiful stanza, actually. No complaints here. I liked it.

But it's not until now I realise it's not
anyones fault we cant have that. It was meant
to work but some people can ruin something that
was building all by itself.
This stanza definitely need punctuation. It feels chopped up at irregular intervals and line breaks. As though you didnt think about where they would occur, you just pressed "return" at random. You need a comma between "work" and "but", and you should put the line break at "that" rather than "was" in the last line. I also think you should change "was building all by instelf" to "was building iself" or something similar.

I wont say the words. And I don't expect to hear
them. Or see them.
However.
You were right.
He is up there, and i'll be the same until I
am brave enough to find him.
Brilliant closer, articulated your conclusions perfectly, and I liked the single word lines, which were all the more effective as a contrast between the longet lines of the other stanzas.

I liked this, mostly due to a wonderful conclusion. Keep writing.


Please crit my latest: "Short Story #1"

Peace
Dave.