#1
i posted this one yesterday but thought of some stuff to go along with it. Also since i got it copywrited I wanted to know if i should make a tune alone with it on guitar please let me know since me and a couple a buddys play drums bass sing guitar stuff like that should i make it into a song if i make a tune for it? so here it is crit it.

Original Version
There's a feeling deep inside of me
And im just dying to see (said fast)
What the F**k is going on
With me they say its irreversable


I'm trying to sleep away the pain
but all i feel is shame
I can't grasp what's going on
Is it a broken hard or a soulfull song

Tick tock all i hear is a clock
Is it real or just a playful mock?
There's a hole im my heart
That I'm filling with pills.

I've watched you change
While I was caged
I watched you slip through my hand
like a pile of sand, Emptyness.


New Version

It's dark and I'm all alone
Sitting here by myself
And now that you've gone
There will be nobody else

It's been such a long time
Since I've seen her face
STill wish she was mine
And she's in some other place

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free

There's a feeling deep inside of me
And im just dying to see (said fast)
What the F**k is going on
With me they say its irreversable


I'm trying to sleep away the pain
but all i feel is shame
I can't grasp what's going on
Is it a broken hard or a soulfull song

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free


Tick tock all i hear is a clock
Is it real or just a playful mock?
There's a hole im my heart
That I'm filling with pills.

I've watched you change
While I was caged
I watched you slip through my hand
like a pile of sand

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free.

Emptyness.

I WILL TAKE ANY SUGGESTIONS.
#2
wow where it says broken hard its suppose to be broken heart i did that last time to...
#3
1st part is good.

In the 2nd part, last line you might want to remove the "and"

Chorus is good.

In the 4th part, I really don't know what you mean by "broken hard"?

I really like the 5th part.

It feels like you were trying to hard to find a rhyme with the last two lines in the 6th part. Maybe add an adjective to describe the word "sand" in the last line--not a big deal at all, but something to think about.

Overall, good job--keep it up.
Last edited by NocturnalOats at Nov 11, 2007,
#4
It still needs some fine tuning, but that'll come along with the music. The end of the second part:

"Still wish she was mine
And she's in some other place"

Maybe you should say

"Still wish she was mine
But she's in some other place"

Up to you, but the "and" doesn't feel right. And after the first chorus, this line:

"With me they say its irreversable"

You had a good flow going but it seems to stop with this line. Just hammer away at the song once you get some music to it and maybe use some different wordplay. It could be great with a little more work.
R.I.P. Turner Blaine
#8
I liked it for the most part, it seemed a little awkward in a couple places, but that'll probably smooth out if you write the music for it. Also, i noticed this, and don't take my word by any means, but there are some expressions that are overused a lot, and there was a couple of them in your song including:
There's a hole in my heart, and
I watched you slip through my hand
like a pile of sand

But that's just me, anyway, If you want to return the favor:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=707414