#1

Do you remember when I said "To Africa", and we went?
Do you remember the sweet sweet company that we kept?
The sounds of girls and men at work in our hearts
digging bones and sacrificial bodies,
we hear it every time we wind the window.
They're recorded there in blood and flesh -
the writing on the walls of our shallow broken chests.
What can you do?

Can we try and build our bridges
of stone and mortar hiding heights of human indecision?
That far up the windchill burns -
your arms and face turning red raw as I watch
and we sob.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Nov 11, 2007,
#2
okay first versve freaking awesome nothing bad to say there
however on the second verse i think it kinda fell apart it soesnt flow very well with the first v

and i really dont like how that you tried to wrapp everything up on the ending but over-all i liked it and i think that you just might have somthing here i think you should go back and tinker a little more on the second verse to get it flowing better and then it will be awesome!!!
c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
and anything else you have send me a link and i'll crit those as well
#3
"wind the window"..

didn't like that, 'wind' the window? didn't work for me

"writting on the walls"

writing*?

the mortar line also read awkwardly..

Apart from that I really enjoyed it. The opening two lines are perhaps two of the best opening lines that I've ever read. Immediatly got me interested... flowed beautifully, and to be honest the rest was bound to anti-climax a little..

loved it, though
#5
Quote by we have sound

Do you remember when I said "To Africa", and we went?
Do you remember the sweet, sweet company that we kept?
The sounds of girls and men at work in our hearts
digging bones and sacrificial bodies, <-- <3
we hear it every time we wind the window.
They're recorded there in blood and flesh -
the writing on the walls of our shallow broken chests.
What can you do?

Really didn't like wind the window either. Also, I don't like closing with "what can you do" here. sometimes I like a good rhetorical question closing, however, I feel this stanza would have been better closed by the line before that. I really like this a lot though... those two things are kind of nit-picky in comparison with the grandeur you've brought here.

Can we try and build our bridges
of stone and mortar hiding heights of human indecision?
That far up the windchill burns -
your arms and face turning red raw as I watch
and we sob.

I like this two. The second line, more the closing of it, was spectacular. You write with a great deal of skill, sir.


My apologies, I've read through this 3 times now and find very little to mention to you, which makes my critique look rather useless. You write wiht much more skill thank I. Good piece.

C4C? Social Lice in sig

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#6
Thanks, I have been really busy recently but I will try to get to yours, and the ones above




love is a dog from hell.