#1
I wrote this last night when I was really depressed..please give thoughts.

Isolated
In a world my own
Surrounded
Yet so alone
Try to escape
But it still remains
Shattered pieces
Of my broken faith
But I will go on
It won't last long
And I'll find a way
To forget it all
I'll spend my money
I'll waste my time
Until everything is
dead inside
But that won't stop
This tormentive onslaught
It'll haunt me till
The day I die
#5
It's nice but I have some minor problems. Near the middle, to the end I don't really like how you say you'll "go on...forget it all...etc" only to say at the end you'll be haunted until you die. It kind of sends a mixed message to me, as the middle seems to be giving the reader some hope for this person only to see it brushed aside, making it kind of pointless maybe? I don't know, that's what I think anyways, feel free to do what you want with it though.

Other than that no major problems, rhymes work well and aren't forced, which is good.

Crit my "poem" Chris Walken, if you can find some time please.
#6
Ahha its really sad & i lvoe it I just Wish it is Longer .........
FANTASY , EVERYBODY HAS ONE
#7
Quote by rush4life
It's nice but I have some minor problems. Near the middle, to the end I don't really like how you say you'll "go on...forget it all...etc" only to say at the end you'll be haunted until you die. It kind of sends a mixed message to me, as the middle seems to be giving the reader some hope for this person only to see it brushed aside, making it kind of pointless maybe? I don't know, that's what I think anyways, feel free to do what you want with it though.

Other than that no major problems, rhymes work well and aren't forced, which is good.

Crit my "poem" Chris Walken, if you can find some time please.

Yeah i understand where you're coming from. I wrote that part as a testament to those who tell themselves that it will get better, and spend their money and time chasing things that only make it worse in the end.

Yeah, I was actually really happy with the rhyming. I've found when i just write and don't over think what I'm doing my songs seem to flow better.

I'll check it out.
#8
Isolated= not a bad start
In a world my own=okay imagery
Surrounded=1
Yet so alone=2
Try to escape=3
But it still remains=4
Shattered pieces=5 okay on 1-5 i really think the flow here is very good
Of my broken faith=1
But I will go on=2
It won't last long=3
And I'll find a way=4
To forget it all=5 okay on 1-5 here i can TOTALLY feel your pain
I'll spend my money=were did this come from it seems outta place to me but its your piece!
I'll waste my time=1
Until everything is=2
dead inside=3
But that won't stop=4
This tormentive onslaught=5 on this 1-5 i love how you did the ryhmes here wonderfully painful
It'll haunt me till=1
The day I die=2 those 2 seem like a very good ending to a complicated story but you did deffinently get your pain across to the readers
over-all great piece and deffinently some very deep meaning to you but i liked it!
if you get a chance check out my piece and tell me what you think
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#9
I like this song, quite simple but full of emotion.

Do you mind if I write a basic melody/rhythm on my guitar for this song?
#10
Quote by cjsquid
Isolated= not a bad start
In a world my own=okay imagery
Surrounded=1
Yet so alone=2
Try to escape=3
But it still remains=4
Shattered pieces=5 okay on 1-5 i really think the flow here is very good
Of my broken faith=1
But I will go on=2
It won't last long=3
And I'll find a way=4
To forget it all=5 okay on 1-5 here i can TOTALLY feel your pain
I'll spend my money=were did this come from it seems outta place to me but its your piece!
I'll waste my time=1
Until everything is=2
dead inside=3
But that won't stop=4
This tormentive onslaught=5 on this 1-5 i love how you did the ryhmes here wonderfully painful
It'll haunt me till=1
The day I die=2 those 2 seem like a very good ending to a complicated story but you did deffinently get your pain across to the readers
over-all great piece and deffinently some very deep meaning to you but i liked it!
if you get a chance check out my piece and tell me what you think
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?

Thanks for the indepth crit. I will definitely check yours out.

@theused,

Sure, but I'd ask that you please don't claim this to be yours or anything.