#1
Alright so this was done up as an assignment for a creative writing course, one that I had to write in about 2 minutes times because my original was destroyed. The task was to do a work on People. Love to hear your thoughts and changes, first time posting

If chins could kill
his would commit genocide
There he stands, a hero to the people
but not the type who wear suits
His eyes are a twinkle, his face a cartoon
A chainsaw isn't really his right hand
Nor does fight the Evil Dead or delay Spiderman
Elvis he is not, but still a King
Of B-Movie Horror Land
HIs hair is greying but no longer from fright
A gut is starting to form
But even in his old age he flips for a crowd.
Now he's selling Old Spice
depicted as a ladies man
Finally, a role true as life
For Bruce Campbell
The hero of the horror fan.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#2
well brandon860 if you really wrote that in 2mins it was freaking awesome i really really liked it flowed beautifully


not one freaking thing bad to say about hold on there is one small part that i didnt think fit with everything else
HIs hair is greying but no longer from fright..... to me it didnt fit well with everything else
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
anything else you have that you want me to crit sned me a link and i'll crit it
#3
Much appreciated thanks, yah the grey hair thing. I was trying to throw is as many referencesto his work as possible and I wanted to say something about his age and the only thing I could think of was the scene from Evil Dead 2 when he sees the tree monster and his hair turns grey from being so scared. I'll look into fixing that line though.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#4
Quote by cjsquid
well brandon860 if you really wrote that in 2mins it was freaking awesome i really really liked it flowed beautifully


not one freaking thing bad to say about hold on there is one small part that i didnt think fit with everything else
HIs hair is greying but no longer from fright..... to me it didnt fit well with everything else
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
anything else you have that you want me to crit sned me a link and i'll crit it


The hair greying is a reference to Evil Dead 2, if I'm not mistaken.

EDIT: Damn, beaten to it.
#5
Quote by Brandon860
Alright so this was done up as an assignment for a creative writing course, one that I had to write in about 2 minutes times because my original was destroyed. The task was to do a work on People. Love to hear your thoughts and changes, first time posting

If chins could kill
his would commit genocide
There he stands, a hero to the people
but not the type who wear suits
His eyes are a twinkle, his face a cartoon
A chainsaw isn't really his right hand
Nor does fight the Evil Dead or delay Spiderman
Elvis he is not, but still a King
Of B-Movie Horror Land
HIs hair is greying but no longer from fright
A gut is starting to form
But even in his old age he flips for a crowd.
Now he's selling Old Spice
depicted as a ladies man
Finally, a role true as life
For Bruce Campbell
The hero of the horror fan.



It flows very well, even though its not perfect flow it has its unique flow pattern which catches you off guard but still is easy enough for you to sink your teeth into. the fright, form, crowd lines if combined with Old Spice sounds kind of weird i';d maybe rework those to make em flow a little better or put a near-perfect rhyme in so we know how you want us to read it. i liked the he's still a king/ of B-Movie Horror land too. the chin could kill thing is a bit cliche but works here as a intriguing catch especially if interpreted in a comical fashion. overall very good job but if you could rework that middle part a little and make it less muddy it'd be excellent.

Plz crit mine back Nocturnal Nemesis
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709319

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