#1
Ground glows with radiated
moonlight driven snow.
That seems to lead you
like forgotten highways of
memories and pastimes of old.
That comforting feeling of
cold air hugging your face,
Seems to embrace you
and carry you away to
a well hidden place.

So wave goodbye and say farewell
to the days that were good enough to cherish
Those who tell you that change is good
are the ones who pretend to face it.

Night seems infinite
but for this moment
it ends here for you to stare.
Gives you the chance to
forget the when and why
and to focus on the where
of which you stand and what you are
and what you're supposed to give.
If only this was my prerogative

Take that chance and face that fear
and stick around till last call.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad
if we stopped to absorb it all.
And take yourself away from
the people who drag you down
and take yourself anywhere but here.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#2
Quote by Brandon860
Ground glows with radiated
moonlight driven snow.
That seems to lead you
like forgotten highways of
memories and pastimes of old.
That comforting feeling of
cold air hugging your face,
Seems to embrace you
and carry you away to
a well hidden place.

So wave goodbye and say farewell
to the days that were good enough to cherish
Those who tell you that change is good
are the ones who pretend to face it.

Night seems infinite
but for this moment
it ends here for you to stare.
Gives you the chance to
forget the when and why
and to focus on the where
of which you stand and what you are
and what you're supposed to give.
If only this was my prerogative

Take that chance and face that fear
and stick around till last call.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad
if we stopped to absorb it all.
And take yourself away from
the people who drag you down
and take yourself anywhere but here.


man thats some good ****. i really liked your rhyming pattern (if there is a pattern)... if not it still worked wonders the rhyming was interesting in the first stanza and was subtly existent in the 3rd and 4th stanzas.... which is awesome in my opinion. the best is when you rhyme but the rhyme is not the emphasis of the work but rather string to tie it all together and make it flow in a way that represents your own.

I also like how you built up the entire piece till the part of the last line where you repeat take yourself again to reemphasize that you better be going somewhere. Theres also a lot of great imagery and your choice of words is really good... "Night seems infinite/ but for this moment"... are great double lines, it expresses both how being here and now with this other person is a place where nothing else is important, yet slows the time down with "for this moment" to a crucial turning point. Also "forget the when and why/ and focus on the where" was very well done too. One thing I would do is put a little extra imagery just before the end of the last stanza. it'd just make us connect with your poem a little better because we'd be so deeply involved with it that when your last few lines would hit us we'd be in awe.
overall very very good though. thanks for the crit btw.

Quote by The Virtuoso
Yes, you sir win the internet!


Quote by saphrax
To put it crudely, every hole is a goal.


#4
Ground glows with radiated
moonlight driven snow.
That seems to lead you
like forgotten highways of
memories and pastimes of old.
That comforting feeling of
cold air hugging your face,
Seems to embrace you
and carry you away to
a well hidden place.


i really like the start of this it caught my attention right away the ryhme scheme is a little odd to me but i like it i also like how you pulled together the face place part

So wave goodbye and say farewell
to the days that were good enough to cherish
Those who tell you that change is good
are the ones who pretend to face it.

not bad but it just didnt have a good flow to me but its your piece and you can make flow however you damn well please

Night seems infinite
but for this moment= i like the infinite-moment ryhme
it ends here for you to stare.
Gives you the chance to
forget the when and why
and to focus on the where=and i really like how that you pulled everything together here aswel
of which you stand and what you are
and what you're supposed to give.
If only this was my prerogative= this here is ****ing great i hope you make this into a song!! like record it and if you do that you better post cause i'd love to hear it.

Take that chance and face that fear= you start very strong here.
and stick around till last call.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad
if we stopped to absorb it all.
And take yourself away from
the people who drag you down=but i think it starts to fall apart here.
and take yourself anywhere but here.

now over-all you get a thumbs up but the last verse needs improving actually i would just change the part were it starts from"and take your self away" i think you can do alot better than that! anyways hope i could be of some help and when i write somthing new i'll send you a link okay so dont forget about me.
anyways good piece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by cjsquid at Nov 11, 2007,
#6
Quote by VIRUSDETECTED
That song title is also a song by Rise Against.


Thanks for that input...

Oh it's also the title of a k.d lang song! Aren't you glad I told you?

Anyways...

I don't have much to criticise here, it has great flow, rhymes aren't really forced anywhere. Good on ya.

#7
nice. its got a good flow and vocabulary and the rhyme pattern seems to work well. overall good job and cheers for the crit on my one.
#8
Quote by Brandon860

Ground glows with radiated
moonlight driven snow.
'radiated moonlight driven snow' was amazing. you took a cliché images and worded it so originally, i loved this.
That seems to lead you
like forgotten highways of
memories and pastimes of old.
amazing here. i like how you build further on the previous line, with the highway things and all. maybe 'highways' isn't the most original thing ever, but i guess it works
That comforting feeling of
cold air hugging your face,
Seems to embrace you
and carry you away to
a well hidden place.

'comforting feeling' bugged me a bit. i see it a lot in poetry, and i think you should try to come up with something better. i liked the hug part. didnt like 'a well hidden place'. it's too vague IMO, it just didnt work for me. amazing flow in this stanza, i hope you can keep that up

So wave goodbye and say farewell
to the days that were good enough to cherish
Those who tell you that change is good
are the ones who pretend to face it.

first line, a bit cliché but fine. i did not like the second line. the flow as off, and i didnt like the word cherish. I liked the message of the last two lines here. pretty clever

Night seems infinite
but for this moment
it ends here for you to stare.
ew. this was so cliché, i hated it. it's fine to be on the border between cliché and not-cliché, but this just went too far i also missed the flow you had in the first stanza
Gives you the chance to
forget the when and why
and to focus on the where
of which you stand and what you are
and what you're supposed to give.
If only this was my prerogative

amazing alliteration, which also adds amazing flow. i also liked the rhyming of give and prerogative. this half of the stanza was better than the first IMO

Take that chance and face that fear
and stick around till last call.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad
if we stopped to absorb it all.
And take yourself away from
the people who drag you down
and take yourself anywhere but here.
'till last call' sounded weird. dont you need an article there? it felt like it was missing a syllable. third and fourth lines sounded so angsty, i didnt like them. i liked the last three lines though, they were pretty angsty too, but i liked the flow and the message.



I liked this. Thanks for doing mine.
#9
Quote by Brandon860
Ground glows with radiated
moonlight driven snow.
That seems to lead you
like forgotten highways of
memories and pastimes of old.
That comforting feeling of
cold air hugging your face,
Seems to embrace you
and carry you away to
a well hidden place.

Very good. Poetic hardly does it justice. It just has a good bounce, fresh rhymes and a good message.

So wave goodbye and say farewell
to the days that were good enough to cherish
Those who tell you that change is good
are the ones who pretend to face it.

The second line doesn't read as well as the rest of your piece... I don't like the, that were good enough. Last two lines are deep-ish. I like them... and I heartely. Good call.

Night seems infinite
but for this moment
it ends here for you to stare.
Gives you the chance to
forget the when and why
and to focus on the where
of which you stand and what you are
and what you're supposed to give.
If only this was my prerogative

I think the next to last line should end with an ellipse, I think it would generate a better flow... because an ellipse is a slightly longer pause than a period... which is honestly what you need here to make this work. Otherwise, still very good and poetic.

Take that chance and face that fear
and stick around till last call.
Maybe life wouldn’t be so bad
if we stopped to absorb it all.
And take yourself away from
the people who drag you down
and take yourself anywhere but here.


Don't like the abruptness of the ending... the last line just doesn't slow the flow down enough to be an ending. The ending is always the hardest part to nail, though... especially when you are trying to make it rhyme.


very strong piece, I enjoyed reading it, all 3 times. good work and thanks for looking at my piece.

peace and coconuts,

-zC