#1
(the underscores are just for formatting. it would be silly to put the whole thing into code just to get two indented lines)

You're locked away upstairs in the attic
Your whines won't let us let you out

You're gonna miss the party
That I don't even want
But it's in my honor
So I'll have to fake a smile

Your scratches won't break the lock
The door is fireproof but doesn't block the sound
You'll hear us having fun
But you won't be able to participate

You're gonna miss the party
That I don't even want
But it's in my honor
So I'll have to fake a smile

If we let you out you'll probably just
Ruin your chances
___Freak out
We'll have to lock you away again

___Sorry Bub
#2
Ok, this is ok. But thats is just by simply reading it. Is this meant to have some type of metaphoric meaning? One of the obvious, isolation? or maybe greed?, alienation?, unappreciation?
#3
Quote by lordofthefood1
(the underscores are just for formatting. it would be silly to put the whole thing into code just to get two indented lines)

You're locked away upstairs in the attic
Your whines won't let us let you out

You're gonna miss the party
That I don't even want
But it's in my honor
So I'll have to fake a smile

Your scratches won't break the lock
The door is fireproof but doesn't block the sound
You'll hear us having fun
But you won't be able to participate

You're gonna miss the party
That I don't even want
But it's in my honor
So I'll have to fake a smile

If we let you out you'll probably just
Ruin your chances
___Freak out
We'll have to lock you away again

___Sorry Bub



Very interesting piece. I like how you have the chorus-ish part about faking a smile because of it being in your honor. everyone can relate to it yet you've done a good job of depicting it without making it melodramatic or anything. I'm not too much a fan of constantly saying "you" i'd like you to describe whats wrong more... really give us a picture by saying something like "the ghost in the attic, shadow of the house" or something, unless you're trying to keep it mysterious... if so you've done a good job... but if we could get a taste i'd like it even more. I like the indentation on Freak out and sorry bub too. very well done. also if you could connect the lines in the second stanza a bit more it'd be real good. either try and make the meters similar or add a little bit of rhymage in there just to make it more connected and intricate. if so it'd be very very cool. overall its pretty good so far but those few things that you could fix would take it over the top. thanks bub.

and PLZ CRIT MINE: Nocturnal Nemesis

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#4
Quote by Bleed Away
Ok, this is ok. But thats is just by simply reading it. Is this meant to have some type of metaphoric meaning? One of the obvious, isolation? or maybe greed?, alienation?, unappreciation?


basically when I wrote it I imagined some sort of old horror movie
(not like scary though)
but an anxious child with abusive parents
who would get locked in the attic when people came over
and the guests would be completely oblivious to the child's presence
but the child would know that people are there

I could tell you what it is about, but that would take out the fun