#1
This is an acoustic song that I wrote with our lead guitarist at the end of September.

"October"

When will the rain come to wash me away
They roll in, the clouds too dark for the day
How can I bury the demons inside
And make disappear the tears I've cried

Will it rain in October
When will you finally say it's over
Finally glad to see October
And I'm so f**kin glad that it's all over

All of these nights, they grow so cold
And all of these fights, they grow so old
I thought that I'd buried the pain inside
But it's still within me, beneath my eyes

Will it rain in October
When will you finally say it's over
Finally glad to see October
And I'm so f**kin glad that it's all over
R.I.P. Turner Blaine
#2
i like the flow of it and where your going with it but just doesnt seem long enough but maybe its just cuz i didnt reall think of a guitar tune going with this song but i think it would be cool if you added more

CRIT MINE
EMPTYNESS FINAL
#3
Verses 2 & 4 I kind of thought should just have been one verse...but maybe you meant to stress it, I don't know.
The first two lines of verse 1 start off a little rocky, so they need the most work of all. Lines 3 and 4 however seem to show that you got the hang of your rhythm, and you stuck with it pretty well after that. I just think the first 2 lines could be re-worked to make it a little more interesting.
This is where it gets kind of strange though. In the first verse I thought you started off rocky with the first two lines, then found your rhythm by the end of it. But you did the exact same thing in the third verse:

All of these nights, they grow so cold
And all of these fights, they grow so old


I hope you can understand what I'm getting at when I say that these rhymes are kind of predictable. I'm sure your vocabulary is larger than this, and you proved that in the next two lines of the same verse! It's so weird to read a writing that has the "half and half" dilemma (half is good, half isn't - kind of like 2 people are writing it).

The attempt was very good though, I just hope that you let me help you out with some of the things I pointed out to you here. It seems like you had writer's block for half of the entire passage; but because I liked the good parts so much - 6/10
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#4
It's a fairly slow song and there's a good bit of guitar work in it. It's between 3:30 and 4:00 long. And it was written by 2 people lol...thanks for the crit.
R.I.P. Turner Blaine
Last edited by brokenanthem at Nov 12, 2007,