#1
grace
she stands with her back to the wall
light brown hair to her shoulders
tense dark brown eyes
a thick black overcoat
a hidden shiver
a cigarette between her index and middle finger

the end of her cigarette dances a little bit,
wisps waltzing in the cold,
she takes her time,
a long, passionate kiss
a column of smoke

it is twelve degrees outside
she is addicted

well, that's a strong word.

she's vulnerable,
but she's vulnerable
with class
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Nov 18, 2007,
#2
Your poetic voice is stunning! Just take out "Light brown hair to her shoulders/tense dark brown eyes" and add a more personal description in that section. I love everything that comes after.
#3
she stands with her back to the wall
light brown hair to her shoulders
tense dark brown eyes
a thick black overcoat
a hidden shiver
a cigarette between her index and middle finger

An ok start to a poem?/prose? But this stanza doesn't really stand out enough for readers to keep much intrest.

the end of her cigarette dances a little bit,
wisps waltzing in the cold,
she takes her time,
a long, passionate kiss
a column of smoke

This is an great improvemeant to what was mentioned above.
'a long, passionate kiss' discribes well of how modern folks waste the irratating background of their lifes. Well done?


it is twelve degrees outside
she is addicted

well, that's a strong word.

she's vulnerable,
but she's vulnerable
with class

This girl, are you unconsciously romanticly linked with her? Do you hate to judge her because of 'a terrible habbit'?
a good way to end a piece though.


Overall its good. Not much to offer in improvements.
8/10
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 13, 2007,
#4
thanks
i have no idea what you're talking about, when you are referring to modern folks irritatingly wasting their background
#5
the only thing I disliked was "the end of her cigarette dances a little bit"

maybe "does a little dance" or something, I'm not sure I like that either. otherwise let me echo Truly, I enjoyed this quite a bit.
#6
Nice stuff here Tiggs...if gives some pretty cool images here, and has excellent subtley that gives off a realness to this girls, and also end abruptly enough for us to want more, but must surrender to having to fill in the blanks. Nice again

-Beege
#8
Quote by punchupatatigge
she stands with her back to the wall
light brown hair to her shoulders
tense dark brown eyes
a thick black overcoat
a hidden shiver
a cigarette between her index and middle finger

the end of her cigarette dances a little bit,
wisps waltzing in the cold,
she takes her time,
a long, passionate kiss
a column of smoke

it is twelve degrees outside
she is addicted

well, that's a strong word.

she's vulnerable,
but she's vulnerable
with class


Can't find a thing I would change but if you must change something make sure you keep the last 4 lines the same... Amazing stuff...