#1
"A Remembrance"

I wonder if you still have the note I gave you,
A cartoon-caricature of a tired me--
"Good night!" along the edge
Written in modern Greek.

Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant.

My daughter will never know she shares your name.
(You'll never see her, but you will know she does.)
#2
I wonder if you still have the note I gave you,
A cartoon-caricature of a tired me--
"Good night!" along the edge
Written in modern Greek.= i like how its pulled together and the vague rhymes are nice too
the structure is very good and flows nicely

Tonight the winds that bear my name= this dosent sit well with me but its your piece
Are blowing bat**** over Providence.=1
I want you to know that I'm significant.=2 ilove how you did the ryhmeing doesnt seem forced and flows very nicely i would just try to come up with something other than"tonight the winds that bear my name"

My daughter will never know she shares your name.
You'll never see her, but you will know she does.)

oh okay now i see where that line fits in scratch what i said about winds-name thing once i finished it totally dawned on me DUH! but now that i read that its great nothing bad to say at alll totally, seemsa little personal to you though
anyways i give it two thumbs up nice piece have you checked out my piece
"girls are ****ing evil my friend"
if not you should check it out and tell me what you think.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
#3
i really like this
only suggestion:
I wonder if you still have the note I gave you,
A cartoon-caricature of a tired me--
"Good night!" along the edge
Written in modern Greek.

i like it better if the phrasing is
"good night!" written along the edge in modern Greek

you figure out the line breaks
#4
I wonder if you still have the note I gave you,
A cartoon-caricature of a tired me--
"Good night!" along the edge
Written in modern Greek.

I like this, it shows simplicity and vague vunerability.


Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant.

I also like this. You show importance in yourself and boast your care.

My daughter will never know she shares your name.
(You'll never see her, but you will know she does.)

Nice ending, short, but a nice ending nonetheless. nothing to add here.

8.5/10
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 13, 2007,
#5
impressive. I really enjoyed this. I think the bit in parenthesis could have been better said but otherwise it's flawlessly written.

maybe my favorite poem from you.
#6
My comment is word for word what SilenceEvolves said.

Great stuff, wonderful.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching