#1
Hello everyone. Crit for crit.

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Sleeping with one eye open

(In which Holmes meets a vagrant)

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My friend in the gutter, what happened to you
Gnawing the bones in Hampshire for food
You’re shivering cold in the 6am frost
Now let me see, what’s a loaf of bread cost

If the nightmare has taught me anything, I’ve learned
To fight the devil, salvation be earned
It shocks me; I’ll give more than just a few pence
Please take this half crown for your sustenance

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

His name is Colin, he lives in the gutter
Less than a shadow, he speaks with a stutter
Some may believe he is down on his lot
But the priests walk by with ne’er a thought

An unsavoury character, withered and weathered
A coat of thick wool and shoes of worn leather
Out of Andover neither free nor a slave
For he has nay a shilling for a plot for a grave

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

The soul is an entity as dark as no other
Convinces the body to feed on its brothers
Creation so twisted and barbarian
Carry on, carry on, Carrion:

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

They’ll steal my donation
And forfeit salvation
To line their pockets with gold
Have you no morals?
You rest on your laurels
And dictate the lives of the world


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#2
Recording required. The rhyming is great, as are the devil/salvation references.
#3
My friend in the gutter, what happened to you
Gnawing the bones in Hampshire for food
You’re shivering cold in the 6am frost
Now let me see, what’s a loaf of bread cost(?)

Quite a boring stanza here to start a poem, but the lat two lines have a good rhythm.

If the nightmare has taught me anything, I’ve learned
To fight the devil, salvation be earned
It shocks me; I’ll give more than just a few pence
Please take this half crown for your sustenance

A wondeful stanza here, you executed this quite greatly. Nothing to add here.

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

This stanza is also great, a lovely discription of 'your friend?' here. Not much to add here.

His name is Colin, he lives in the gutter
Less than a shadow, he speaks with a stutter
Some may believe he is down on his lot
But the priests walk by with ne’er a thought

Is the 'priest ' representing compassion here? Great rhythm here. Once again nothing much to add.

An unsavoury character, withered and weathered
A coat of thick wool and shoes of worn leather
Out of Andover neither free nor a slave
For he has nay a shilling for a plot for a grave

Not much to add here either. It seems suicide is amending.

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

I didn't like the opening two lines of this stanza, weak to say the least and forced. The rest of the stanza is ok, may i suggest, "He stumbled at the mere site of 'money', with his gibberish accent i succeed to laugh"

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

This stanza follows the story's concept but it sounds far too cliche. Yet again the opening two rhymes sound forced. 'a dimished bate filled with rocks and fish, may i finish this world with one last dish'?

The soul is an entity as dark as no other
Convinces the body to feed on its brothers
Creation so twisted and barbarian
Carry on, carry on, Carrion:

Wonderful stanza here, with nothing to add.

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

They’ll steal my donation
And forfeit salvation
To line their pockets with gold
Have you no morals?
You rest on your laurels
And dictate the lives of the world

a perfect way to end such a god piece of work that hunts the reader after they thought it was all over

Overall i highly enjoyed this piece, you should continue to follow the same style as the way you're going right now, just improve on it a bit more, and i'll think it should take you somewhere.
9/10
#4
My friend in the gutter, what happened to you
Gnawing the bones in Hampshire for food
You’re shivering cold in the 6am frost
Now let me see, what’s a loaf of bread cost

Like this first verse flows nice its pretty awesome like it..

If the nightmare has taught me anything, I’ve learned
To fight the devil, salvation be earned
It shocks me; I’ll give more than just a few pence
Please take this half crown for your sustenance

like the line to fight the devil, salvation be earned its clever and it flows

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

Again nice flow but i dont like that 5th line for some reason i have no idea why just seems werid to me

His name is Colin, he lives in the gutter
Less than a shadow, he speaks with a stutter
Some may believe he is down on his lot
But the priests walk by with ne’er a thought

LIke this verse but the ne'er just that i dont like the flow of mayb put the word in

An unsavoury character, withered and weathered
A coat of thick wool and shoes of worn leather
Out of Andover neither free nor a slave
For he has nay a shilling for a plot for a grave

favorite verses its simple, clever, and it flows nice dont change it

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

wow i like this one almost as much as the last one its powerful i like the line and sermon detest.

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

like this verse again dont cahange anything

The soul is an entity as dark as no other
Convinces the body to feed on its brothers
Creation so twisted and barbarian
Carry on, carry on, Carrion:

wow like this verse a lot to

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

again the 5th line dont sound right to me it flows but its werid to me maybe its just my thought

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

again good verse

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

like the line rotting in the smoggy air sticks out to me nice verse nice flow

They’ll steal my donation
And forfeit salvation
To line their pockets with gold
Have you no morals?
You rest on your laurels
And dictate the lives of the world

powerful ending very nice like it a lot .

Overall wicked wicked wicked!!! good. i would give ti 5/5.
CRIT MINE emptyness remake
#5
Wow, this is probably one of the most crafted pieces I've seen since hoping in here(not to put down anyone else). Good steady pace and flow and love the religious referencing. Using Carrion was excellent, not a word you hear thrown around often. Nice touch on the "They call him possessed" line since most people make that assumption about the derelict, that they are crazy and such forth. Only thing I would nit pick at all if I had to is the ending line may be seen as cliché or predictable. Only me though, just a thought.
10/10
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#6
Wow. I guess spending an hour as opposed to a couple minutes on lyrics pays off.

I think that some of the lines, as identified, need changing round.

Right, I'll have a quick edit, a couple of playthroughs, repost my changes, and then get to some critiquing back.

And record it for Sam, obviously.
#7
Right, made a few ammendments, but still not happy with the final line.

My friend in the gutter, what happened to you?
Been gnawing the bones back in Hampshire for food?
You’re shivering, abject, in a splintering frost
Now let me see here, what’s a loaf of bread cost?

If the nightmare has taught me anything, I’ve learned
To fight the devil and salvation be earned
It shocks me; I’ll give more than a few token pence
Please take this half crown for your sustenance

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Gained no alms for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

His name is Colin, he lives in the gutter
Less than a shadow, he speaks with a stutter
Some may believe he is down on his lot
But the priests walk by with ne’er a thought

An unsavoury character, withered and weathered
A coat of thick wool and shoes of worn leather
Out of Andover neither free nor a slave
For he has nay a shilling for a plot for a grave

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

The soul is an entity as dark as no other
Convinces the body to feed on its brothers
A creation so twisted and barbarian
Carry on, carry on, Carrion:

They’ll steal my donation
And forfeit salvation
To line their pockets with gold
Have you no morals?
You rest on your laurels
Present a false god to the world
#9
I like that line, but it doesn't fit.

If it slightly didn't fit, it'd work.

I like the idea of a mould though. Good call.
#10
Quote by BrianApocalypse

My friend in the gutter, what happened to you
Gnawing the bones in Hampshire for food
You’re shivering cold in the 6am frost
Now let me see, what’s a loaf of bread cost

This whole stanza has good rhythm. I really like the second line, it stands out. Gnawing the bones in Hampshire for food. That really gives a clear image of true poverty, and even a little madness.

If the nightmare has taught me anything, I’ve learned
To fight the devil, salvation be earned
It shocks me; I’ll give more than just a few pence
Please take this half crown for your sustenance

I think instead of saying "take this half crown for your sustenance" I think you should give him food outright, because when you say you're giving him a half crown for sustenence, it sounds like he's going to eat it. I know thats not what you mean, but thats what it says. Maybe i'm just nitpicky, but obviously its your volition. Also you reference a nightmare. I want more of the nightmare.

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

I like "his beard is ashen grey" but you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. SHOW US, and this will be far more powerful, more direct, and ...better.

His name is Colin, he lives in the gutter
Less than a shadow, he speaks with a stutter
Some may believe he is down on his lot
But the priests walk by with ne’er a thought

Great rhythm in the first two lines. "Less than a shadow" is particularly good. I think you can nix the 'the' in the last line... it'll flow better. And also the last line suddenly makes the purpose oh oh oh so clear. I feel like it should be more subtle, more vicious, but that's just me. Also it removes pathos from "Colin" when suddenly you start blaming people.

An unsavoury character, withered and weathered
A coat of thick wool and shoes of worn leather
Out of Andover neither free nor a slave
For he has nay a shilling for a plot for a grave

i like "withered and weathered" there's a nice lyrical quality to that. "for a plot for a grave" is clumsy..but i don't see another way you can say it. Think about it, at least.

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

why does he look at you funny? Timidly out of one eye does not constitute for me..funny... when i think of someone looking at you funny, i think of as in confusion, or disgust. But not... timid. It just seems conflicting to me. Also the penultimate two lines need work..they don't make sense. I know what you're saying but you need to say it clearer.

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

eh. I liked "smoggy air" but the rest....

The soul is an entity as dark as no other
Convinces the body to feed on its brothers
Creation so twisted and barbarian
Carry on, carry on, Carrion:

I love carry on, carry on, carrion. Nice play on words there. As for the rest, I think it needs a little work. I think you're stuck in some sort of funk, This stanza just needs a fresh approach.

No food or possessions
None make a concession
His beard is ashen grey
His outlook is bleak
Hasn’t eaten for a week
Lying in a world of dismay

how about "hasn't eaten in weeks?"

You give him some money
He looks at you funny
Timidly out of one eye
They call him possessed
And sermon detest
And feed on his soul like flies

A life now diminished
Existence soon finished
Rotting in the smoggy air
The triumph of evil
No desp’rate upheaval
Alas, the Clergy don’t care

They’ll steal my donation
And forfeit salvation
To line their pockets with gold
Have you no morals?
You rest on your laurels
And dictate the lives of the world

I don't think they are doing as much "dictating" as they are "not dictating" or... being apathetic..as you've said, they don't care. I like however, that you mention their greed...I think you should go more into that.

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So all in all, I like the poem, but it seems kind of scattered... you need to focus on Colin where its his part, and focus on the Greed and Hipocrisy of the Clergy in that part. Like most good lyrics, it needs work, but its worth working on.
what comes up comes out