#1
okay, so I just wrote this a few minutes ago and I wanna know if it's good or not. Constructive criticism is very welcome, this is the first full song I've ever written. Now, without further adieu...

V.1

Whatever happened to you and I?
We used to say forever, now you just say never
Implications I can't erase
Of the very things that I cannot face

Chorus

Knock me down
So I don't feel like this again
The words you say, are far away
Like a broken record
For you I'd wait a life time

V.2

Where did you go and why'd you go there?
And am I there with you, and do you really care at all?
You were what helped me out with my self doubt
You were the steam of my self esteem

(chorus again)

Bridge

Since when did I lose your love?
Am I that pathetic? And what put you above
This thing we used to have
Please just give me one more chance

(chorus yet again)

V.3

Tell me, why did you let this happen?
Was it really what you wanted?
You fell away so suddenly
And left me to drift off to sea alone

(chorus) x2

Fin.

So yes, tell me what you think. Crit for crit, but I'm not the best critic out there I shall try my best though.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.
Last edited by ManWithoutAHat at Nov 12, 2007,
#2
Whatever happened to you and I?
We used to say forever, now you just say never
Implications I can't erase
Of the very things that I cannot face
lets see thhis first verse wonderful i liked it flow nicely!

Knock me down
So I don't feel like this again
The words you say, are far away
Like a broken record
For you I'd wait a life time

to me this just doesnt have a good feel to but it is your piece so if it feels good to you then run with

Where did you go and why'd you go there?
And am I there with you, and do you really care at all?
You were what helped me out with my self doubt
You were the steam of my self esteem
it didnt start strong but you took care of that in the next few lines so its still flowing nicely
except the chorus

Where did you go and why'd you go there?
And am I there with you, and do you really care at all?
You were what helped me out with my self doubt
You were the steam of my self esteem
this one however i am seeing i think what you are trying to do but it just doesnt sit well with me

Tell me, why did you let this happen?= nice i like this line
Was it really what you wanted?=kinda losing strength here
You fell away so suddenly=still losing it
And left me to drift off to see alone= okay not so bad and it pulled thing together a little
it seems to me you have talent your just not trying hard enough because see lots of promise but i dunno just keep working on your stuff and have you read my peice
"girls are ****ing evil my friend"
if not you should check it out and tell me what you think?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
#3
Quote by ManWithoutAHat

V.1

Whatever happened to you and I?
We used to say forever, now you just say never
Implications I can't erase
Of the very things that I cannot face

I didn't mind this one... The second line is standing out as a problem to the flow though. It depends on how you read it, but the way I was reading it seemed out of place. I like the other two lines, just try not to force your rhyming. The second line is also standing out as something you got out of a rhyming dictionary because that rhyme seems really forced.

Chorus

Knock me down
So I don't feel like this again
The words you say, are far away
Like a broken record
For you I'd wait a life time

When I told you to use that line I was thinking of you using it in a different contrast, or in a different stanza. This is ok I guess, but that line has so much more potential if it was used with different lines.

V.2

Where did you go and why'd you go there?
And am I there with you, and do you really care at all?
You were what helped me out with my self doubt
You were the steam of my self esteem

The first two lines I am not liking one bit. They seem not to flow at all. Also, take out the two 'and's because they are just messing up the flow. I like the last two though, especially the last line in the stanza.

Bridge

Since when did I lose your love?
Am I that pathetic? And what put you above
This thing we used to have
Please just give me one more chance

Eh... Well this is probably the downfall of the piece. The first line is ok, but the second and third are out of place. Also, the last line seems to be standing out to me, I get what you are getting at but it could be done in such a better way.

V.3

Tell me, why did you let this happen?
Was it really what you wanted?
You fell away so suddenly
And left me to drift off to see alone

It seems like you are blaming her and you told me yourself that it was partly your fault. The second and third lines are good. I really like the last line of the stanza, though you mean 'sea'


Overall, it's not to shabby. Could use a little polishing and finishing touches.



If you have any questions or anything, but tell me over MSN.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Last edited by Dimebag22 at Nov 12, 2007,
#4
Thanks for the crit guys, I'm gonna rework it a bit tonight so I should have a revised version up later on.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.