#1
Still I stand beside you
Still I stay and pray
As the world around us crumbles
Like the rose we wilt today

Until the ground caves in beneath us
Until we fall apart
Until we are pulled apart like wolves
Our lives will never start

Amongst all the rubble we are found
Noone moving, not a sound
Faces pale, blood run cold
Another great story never to be told


A poem-like piece i wrote,
Constructive feedback would be nice.
Quote by Nor'Easterbass
alucardmik is actually from the outer rings of jupiter and likes to drink goat milk while rubbing his nipples counterclockwise. so i hear...
Last edited by alucardmik at Nov 14, 2007,
#2
OMG I'm really touched, makes me think of my friend who is a ranger down in Íraq, I haven't seen him (since he moved to America) in three years and I miss him so much, we still keep contact though.

10/10

I don't like though having two rhymes in one like, like "Still I stay and pray", I dunno, I may be wrong. Anyway, it's up to you after all.
Quote by A Certain Death
my mum is a retard
#3
thanks dude
Quote by Nor'Easterbass
alucardmik is actually from the outer rings of jupiter and likes to drink goat milk while rubbing his nipples counterclockwise. so i hear...
#4
Quote by alucardmik
Still I stand beside you
Still I stay and pray
As the world around us crumbles
Like the rose we wilt today

Very, very good. Although, if it were my song, I would change the second line to
"Still I wait and pray."


Until the ground caves in beneath us
Until we fall apart
Until we are pulled apart like wolves
Our lives will never start

This one is good too, but you used "apart" twice. In my opinion, it just doesn't sound good. Try using a synonym for apart.
"Until we are torn to bits like wolves." maybe (?)


Amongst all the rubble we are found
Noone moving not a sound
Faces pale blood run cold
Another great story never to be told

All your stanza's are good, but I would add some punctation on the second line.
"Noone moving, not a sound"
and also
"Faces pale, blood runs cold"


Crit my songs now man. There in my sig.
Good Job.
Last edited by AcousticLegacy at Nov 12, 2007,
#5
thanks, would you mind if i took your advice on "Still I stay and pray" into "Still I wait and pray"? As for the puntuation ill edit that now as its minor. Thanks!
Quote by Nor'Easterbass
alucardmik is actually from the outer rings of jupiter and likes to drink goat milk while rubbing his nipples counterclockwise. so i hear...