#1
?

To write you on pages
Is not so hard to do
Half and half, a mixture
Of lies and the truth,
"False alarm Darling"
Not so romantic now?
We've lost our star Sweetheart
My problems are yours to figure out,
To sing you on vinyl
Not too complicated for me
I'll replace our spark with a match
And it will light you'll see,
I only get carried away because
I know you love it when I do
Forever - just a sweeter version of for now
All it means is I adore you.
#2
Quote by i_got_novacain


To write you on pages
Is not so hard to do
Not bad opening, but I would rephrase "on pages", as it sounds real weak for an opening. You wnat something interesting to begin it.
Half and half, a mixture
Of lies and the truth,
Assess the metre and syllable count of this last line here, beause it doesnt seem to flow
"False alarm Darling"
Not so romantic now?
Pretty good. Its getting more interesting.
We've lost our star Sweetheart
I think sweetheart is a pretty cliche word here. So are stars, but the context makes up for it a bit.
My problems are yours to figure out,
Good line.
To sing you on vinyl
Not too complicated for me
Again think about your metre, because this doesnt seem to flow.
I'll replace our spark with a match
And it will light you'll see,
Hang on...Youve replaced what seemed to be callous cynicism with optimism? Your narrative is confusing, I think you need to make up your mind about what you want to say because I get the feeling you're losing the thread.
I only get carried away because
I know you love it when I do
Forever - just a sweeter version of for now
All it means is I adore you.
"forever" was a nice line, but "i adore you" is again a rather dramatic change of tact. Any reason? You began with a clear tone. Very negative images: "not so romantic now" or "a mixture of lies and truth" dont fit at all with your conclusion. This, thematically, is no bad thing, but to about face without reason or explanation is, because it only leaves the reader confused. Just get in your head what you want to say, and then say it.
Other than that no complaints. Pretty solid, if simplistic, peice.



Peace
Dave