#1
Okay, here's one I wrote about somebody who I find very influential, but who is nevertheless totally ruining their life. The title means "against the grain" or "against nature", and is taken from a book by J. K. Huysmans which inspred Orcar Wilde to lead his life of hedonism that drove him to an early grave. The title embodies the idea behind it, which is basically the dangers of having a **** role model.

He wears a mask of self-destruction
A deceptive second face
Whose repetition's growing tiresome
Or getting overplayed
While the record in the corner
Is forgetting its own name
Oh what a shame

And there's an overhanging shadow
A cure that he cant take
Because his hands forever locked
In Belial's handshake
And with the other trading happiness
Fpr a reocurring ache
For **** sake

Oh I know, you just want to be alone
But Im afraid that thats against the rules
Oh I know, I admire you so
But I'm afraid I am becoming you

And so I'll busy my tongue with words
That cannot purge this drowning bliss
That will not let me speak the truth
And say you dont know what it is
To know that you've become a martyr
For all that you resist
It takes the piss

I'm as futile as the poetry
From which I am derived
To the point when I need suicide
To make me feel alive
And I have now become so toxic
I need poison to survive
I am baptised

In the cynicism, narciscism
Logicless asthetiscism
Decadence and sodomy of lies
The hedonism, atheism
Fruitless existentialism
Rotting me beneath my bold disguise
What a surprise...
#2
He wears a mask of self-destruction
A deceptive second face
Whose repetition's growing tiresome
Or getting overplayed
While the record in the corner
Is forgetting its own name
Oh what a shame
^Punctuation, you need it. But I do like these lines. Very dark and interesting.

And there's an overhanging shadow
A cure that he cant take
Because his hands forever locked
In Belial's handshake
And with the other trading happiness
Fpr a reocurring ache
For **** sake
^An odd rhyme scheme here, but it's not bad. Not terribly forced sounding and it flows well.

Oh I know, you just want to be alone
But Im afraid that thats against the rules
Oh I know, I admire you so
But I'm afraid I am becoming you
^I like this short stanza. The last line is really good. I enjoy that part a lot. Good stuff.


And so I'll busy my tongue with words
That cannot purge this drowning bliss
That will not let me speak the truth
And say you dont know what it is
To know that you've become a martyr
For all that you resist
It takes the piss
^Take out the last line. It doesn't sound right at all. The rest is great.

I'm as futile as the poetry
From which I am derived
To the point when I need suicide
To make me feel alive
And I have now become so toxic
I need poison to survive
I am baptised
^The last line sounds a little goofy, so it might need a better lead in, but the rest is golden. L 3 and 4 is really good.

In the cynicism, narciscism
Logicless asthetiscism
Decadence and sodomy of lies
The hedonism, atheism
Fruitless existentialism
Rotting me beneath my bold disguise
What a surprise...
^Cool. I like the anger and emotion in this. The last 2 lines are good because it kind of brings it full cirlce. Nice job.


8.75/10

I like this but it's a tad boring. I feel music could add to this, but it's a little linear. It needs a little more umph. But it's still a nice piece of work.


I have a new piece in my sig if you're willing to crit for crit.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
Last edited by fightrobbert! at Nov 12, 2007,
#3
He wears a mask of self-destruction
A deceptive second face,
Whose repetition's growing tiresome
Or getting overplayed.
While the record in the corner
Is forgetting its own name
Oh what a shame.

I really like this opening stanza, its intresting, fun, great rhythm and nothing to add. Just don't forget to add punctuation.
And there's an overhanging shadow
A cure that he can't take
Because his hand's forever locked
In Belial's handshake.
And with the other trading happiness
F(o)r a reocurring ache
For **** sake

Please remove the 'f*** sake' out of this stanza it ruins it SEVERELY. a few typing errors here and there that i've corrected. Overall i still like this stanza.

Oh I know, you just want to be alone
But I'm afraid that that's against the rules.
Oh I know, I admire you so
But I'm afraid I am becoming you

I don't like this stanza, it feels like a filler just to extend the story, i think this could be redone.


And so I'll busy my tongue with words
That cannot purge this drowning bliss
That will not let me speak the truth
And say you dont know what it is
To know that you've become a martyr
For all that you resist
It takes the piss.

I would normally consider 'piss' to be taken away, but in this case it suited the rhythm and the atmosphere. A good stanza.

I'm as futile as the poetry
From which I am derived.
To the point when I need suicide
To make me feel alive.
And I have now become so toxic
I need poison to survive...
I am baptised.

Your character looks like his found a new solution here, drugs, to escape the prejudice and manipulative grounds. I enjoyed the stanza here.

In the cynicism, narciscism
Logicless asthetiscism
Decadence and sodomy of lies
The hedonism, atheism
Fruitless existentialism
Rotting me beneath my bold disguise
What a surprise...


Wow i love the dramatic twist here. I loved how you focused on what the character hated before declaring everything he ever hated was infact himself; self loathe and observe. GREAT STANZA, with punctuation, may i add.
Overall i really enjoyed this piece, but i think you should try to make your work follow the same type of pattern of style of writing and not keep 'switching' with each couple of stanzas because that cripples the piece and flow completely. But kudos nonetheless.9/10
#4
Quote by Cacophonaut
Okay, here's one I wrote about somebody who I find very influential, but who is nevertheless totally ruining their life. The title means "against the grain" or "against nature", and is taken from a book by J. K. Huysmans which inspred Orcar Wilde to lead his life of hedonism that drove him to an early grave. The title embodies the idea behind it, which is basically the dangers of having a **** role model.

He wears a mask of self-destruction
A deceptive second face
Whose repetition's growing tiresome
Or getting overplayed
While the record in the corner
Is forgetting its own name
Oh what a shame
Good opening which sets up the rest nicely. The third line doesn't flow as well as the rest of it though, and breaks down between repetition's and growing.

And there's an overhanging shadow
A cure that he cant take
Because his hand's forever locked
In Belial's handshake
And with the other trading happiness
For a reoccurring ache
For **** sake
Really like this bit, the whole cure/hand things works brilliantly. Not sure about the 'overhanging shadow' though? I would get rid of the 'And' from the fifth line for flow reasons again. Otherwise the last line sounds offbeat.

Oh I know, you just want to be alone
But I'm afraid that thats against the rules
Oh I know, I admire you so
But I'm afraid I am becoming you
No major problems here, but it doesn't really fit with the rest too well. There's no rhythm or flow. hmm

And so I'll busy my tongue with words
That cannot purge this drowning bliss
That will not let me speak the truth
And say you don't know what it is
To know that you've become a martyr
For all that you resist
It takes the piss
The change from 'me' to 'you' in the middle is slightly confusing, as the 'you' after is still referring to the speaker. The purge/bliss bit is great, it really fits the the theme of this piece. And I like the funny (although angry) rhymes added on at the end's of these, which don't seem forced at all


I'm as futile as the poetry
From which I am derived
To the point when I need suicide
To make me feel alive
And I have now become so toxic
I need poison to survive
I am baptised
haha, great first two lines. The second and third pairs don't work too well together though, they sound too alike for my taste. And I don't get the last line but that's probably just me!

In the cynicism, narcissism
Logicless aestheticism
Decadence and sodomy of lies
The hedonism, atheism
Fruitless existentialism
Rotting me beneath my bold disguise
What a surprise...
Masses of large adjectives is slowly becoming cliche in poetry, although it could work well here. Maybe the third line would work better as a fifth with some minor changes, as it seems to split the flow between the two pairs of the aforementioned adjective bundles. Followed by that amazing ending! I loved it


My style of criticism involves pointing out things I don't like, believe me when I say there were loads of things not mentioned that I did! Just going for the most efficient way to help ya


Also, I made a few changes to my piece if it's not too cheeky for me to ask you make sure I didn't make it worse!
#5
Oh yeah, I hear you. I dont wanna hear what people like, that doesnt help at all (but it does make me feel good!)
That middle bit everyone has a problem with does have a purpose. This is a song, and the melody runs that way, if I repeated the verse chords four times it would get terribly boring, so call it a bridge, maybe. Anyway, thanks.
#6
Some good stuff.. I don't think the last lines of each stanza ("it takes the piss") etc. really worked, although if, melodically, it is essential to have them, I wouldn't do it that way. The kind of, summing up phrases (for f**ks sake, what a shame, what a surprise, takes the piss etc), I would replace them with normal lines...

other than that, pretty good
#7
dont ask why, opening stanza flows nicely to the tune of "Shelter from the Storm"
basically, this is fantastic, the only two things that stuck out negatively for me were 'it takes the piss' which sounds infantile, and the very last stanza which seems like you're trying too hard
#8
and so we have a poet

very nice, your no Huysman but i liked it alot

ps great great book no other book compares