#1
"Open Eyes"
The smell of your fallen comrades,
The pain I could not bear.

When I open my eyes, I not only hear the cry,
but see the soldiers filled with fear.

Oh, the courage it takes,
to pick up a gun,
knowing you will take someones life.

The hearts it will break,
and the tears it will shed,
but still, you do as your told.

God know's you don't want to,
and he forgives you for that.
He prays for you everyday.

For the smell of your fallen comrades,
the pain not even he could bear.

Open eyes,
thats all it takes to see their courage.
You can't deny, they pain you bear inside.
Let loose,
And show the world how much you care.
#3
The smell of your fallen comrades,
The pain I could not bear.

When I open my eyes, I not only hear the cry,
but see the soldiers filled with fear.

Nice example of the horrific scene that came from the war ground. Excellent opener.

Oh, the courage it takes,
to pick up a gun,
knowing you will take someones life.

The hearts it will break,
and the tears it will shed,
but still, you do as your told.

A little bit of cliche here and there but still can't take anything away from the impact that could potentially shake readers.

God know's you don't want to,
and he forgives you for that.
He prays for you everyday.

For the smell of your fallen comrades,
the pain not even he could bear.

An ok stanza here, but try to make it a bit longer, a bit more 'complex' words should also be experimented on, words having more than Three sylables maybe.

Open eyes,
thats all it takes to see their courage.
You can't deny, the( remove the 'y') pain you bear inside.
Let loose,
And show the world how much you care.

Not that this is a bad stanza presented, i think it was rushed and didn't have much to offer as the indepth outlook is concerned. I think this stanza here should be completely revised.

Overall i think you've got a very good piece of effort, all that is needed is just some simple brushing up here and there.7.5/10
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 12, 2007,