#1
There’s a bridge across a dried up creek
A reminder of all that’s lost inside of me
The only light in her eyes is artificial
But she’s still counting backwards from three

She’ll be home in no time
One step after another, she knows how to climb
She’ll lose her footing occasionally
But it’s by her own design

I know she is slipping through my hands
But patience is something she’ll never understand
She’s always glowing and going
She can't stand living her life secondhand

c4c
#2
Nice. I liked the poem, and how you worded it. But some places you needed to add more syllables and take away som syllables. Overall I loved it. Try making it a bit longer, but if it's just a poem, and not a song, then it's a perfect length.

Good Job.

Crit mine. There In My Sig.

(crit them all plz)
#3
thank you. I'm working on condensing certain lines while still saying what I need to. I'll crit some of yours right now.
#4
I really like this one, great rhyme scheme, it really painted a picture in my head, great job.
#6
Quote by guitardan76
There’s a bridge across a dried up creek
A reminder of all that’s lost inside of me
The only light in her eyes is artificial
But she’s still counting backwards from three

No problems here, excellent ending line

She’ll be home in no time
One step after another, she knows how to climb
She’ll lose her footing occasionally
But it’s by her own design
Different style from first stanza, but workable.

I know she is slipping through my hands
But patience is something she’ll never understand
She’s always glowing and going
She can't stand living her life secondhand
Second line doesn't have good flow with the first, maybe less words can be used to sum up your thought.
c4c



Nice work overall, making great final lines for each stanza is you r strong point.
8/10
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#8
I know that second line of the 3rd stanza is too long... I'm working on condensing it.

p.s. thanks for the bump haha
#10
thank you - I'm thinking about turning it into a song... most of the stuff i write is intended for a song but this i just haven't put music to yet.

i'll critique yours now.
Last edited by guitardan76 at Nov 14, 2007,