#1
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.

And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.

C4C.
#2
some great imagery jamie, especially loved "don't well up now, gorgeous", just has that personality that gets a connection, though a few lines stuck out as not working or a bit awkward:

"wrapped in long legs of liquorice."... for some reason it just gave an image which i didn't really feel fitted with the rest of the piece.

"where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt" - surely you could have written that a little better.. it seems like your struggling to describe the scene, which i know isn't the case..

"I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed" - re-awaken read awkwardly, could have been worded better?

"And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in."

great meaning, but tears, kills, nothing matters... I liked what you were trying to say but it just seemed like lazy writing..

overall though, i actually loved this. It didn't flow brilliantly, the langauge and description wasn't anything breathtaking, but it had that personal connection that you touch upon sometimes that makes you stand out from the rest..

bar the things i said, terrific...

crit Divorce?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710672
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 12, 2007,
#3
Quote by skagitup
some great imagery jamie, especially loved "don't well up now, gorgeous", just has that personality that gets a connection, though a few lines stuck out as not working or a bit awkward:

"wrapped in long legs of liquorice."... for some reason it just gave an image which i didn't really feel fitted with the rest of the piece.

"where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt" - surely you could have written that a little better.. it seems like your struggling to describe the scene, which i know isn't the case..

"I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed" - re-awaken read awkwardly, could have been worded better?

"And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in."

great meaning, but tears, kills, nothing matters... I liked what you were trying to say but it just seemed like lazy writing..

overall though, i actually loved this. It didn't flow brilliantly, the langauge and description wasn't anything breathtaking, but it had that personal connection that you touch upon sometimes that makes you stand out from the rest..

bar the things i said, terrific...

crit Divorce?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710672


I agree with what he said, it's a really good song, even though the flow wasn't really there, but, if you make it work, it will turn out to be a great song.

if you want to crit one of mine you can, they are in my signature, but you don't have to.
#4
Quote by skagitup
some great imagery jamie, especially loved "don't well up now, gorgeous", just has that personality that gets a connection, though a few lines stuck out as not working or a bit awkward:

"wrapped in long legs of liquorice."... for some reason it just gave an image which i didn't really feel fitted with the rest of the piece.

"where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt" - surely you could have written that a little better.. it seems like your struggling to describe the scene, which i know isn't the case..

"I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed" - re-awaken read awkwardly, could have been worded better?

"And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in."

great meaning, but tears, kills, nothing matters... I liked what you were trying to say but it just seemed like lazy writing..

overall though, i actually loved this. It didn't flow brilliantly, the langauge and description wasn't anything breathtaking, but it had that personal connection that you touch upon sometimes that makes you stand out from the rest..

bar the things i said, terrific...

crit Divorce?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710672


Thanks man... I'll get to you in due course. I agree with everything about the "lazy written end", because the piece was based around those three lines, and I for one like the simple nature of them.

But thanks!

And, other kid, you can't quote someone elses critique and then ask for one back... that's just lame, man,
#5
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

A good start.

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

I really like this stanza here describind temporary sadness. Nothing to improve upon here.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.

This is great as well, i love the way you described the side-effects of 'autumn'. Again nothing to improve.'

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.

You know the cycle isn't complete yet as the very same happiness that brought you guys together is yet to come. Excellent!

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

This is good, nothing much to comment on here.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.
And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.

A wonderful way to end a wondeful piece, i really liked this very much, again nothing to add.

Overall i really loved this piece, describing rebirth, dedication and spirit.
10/10
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 13, 2007,
#6
That's certainly an interesting and unexpected interpretation of this, Bleed Away.

Where did you find the rebirth meaning from? I'm interested, I never intended for that.

Do you have anything I can leave a comment on?
#7
The way you used autumn, as the key points of sadness and when the character said this to his wife, 'Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.' Made me think of spring, and a rebirth of an broken relationship.

You can crit Hello Sammy.
#8
Ah, I see. Interesting point. Usually my pieces don't have that characteristic where people take meanings as far as that. It's different.

I'll get to yours tonight or tomorrow, with any luck.
#9
Its overly long. You start off really strong but then you start saying similar ideas, I think. There is alot of "woe become us" and the constant I've, We've, We, I is really the cause of that. Even Bruce Springsteen uses metaphor. I think if you cut it down a little and took out some of the phrases like "You say every rose has a thorn;" and the "rotten apples" line you'd have a much more concise, interesting piece. As for now it has ideas and it flows pretty well its just it seems like you are forcing way too much upon the reader. Its just very difficult to digest and when you do its not really worth all the time you spent.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

Great intro, IMO. I wouldn't change a thing

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

Nice. I like your choice of words and your phrasing here. I especially like the "It'll be back, I'll bet". It's almost, comforting.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.

I'm partial to the rose and thorn line, just because I've seen it so many times before. But you saved with an original after-thought. I am not a fan of the "long legs of liquorce" at all. I think it's much too out of place.

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.

Love this. My favourite part of the piece. Its executed very well.

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
Nice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

To be honest, I don't quite know exactly what I feel about the last two lines here. I like it, but at the same time I don't. "I'd jump and re-awaken" seems oddly worded. For two reasons, the jump coming before you're awoken. I don't know, it just seems silly. Maybe I'm just being picky. And, the use of 're-awaken'. I get what you're saying, but it sits oddly. Anyways, I do like the "no, that's stupid" to end it off, though.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.

It's not bad. Not as strong as the earlier stanzas.

And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.

A decent outro, but again, I don't feel it's as strong.

C4C.


Overall I enjoyed it very much. Nothing else to say that I havn't already said, or that was said by others.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713015
If you have a chance.


#11
Quote by pixiesfanyo
Its overly long. You start off really strong but then you start saying similar ideas, I think. There is alot of "woe become us" and the constant I've, We've, We, I is really the cause of that. Even Bruce Springsteen uses metaphor. I think if you cut it down a little and took out some of the phrases like "You say every rose has a thorn;" and the "rotten apples" line you'd have a much more concise, interesting piece. As for now it has ideas and it flows pretty well its just it seems like you are forcing way too much upon the reader. Its just very difficult to digest and when you do its not really worth all the time you spent.


Thanks Jared. Point taken, and much appreciated.

I'll get back to you monkeyguitar, thanks.
#12
first thing i want to say is when that i read the title it makes me think of the poison song every rose has its thorn and i dont like poison so thats why i am so late, to crit your piece i like to usually be the first anyways here goes

And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

i think that if you left out the and in the beginning it might feel better because it feels like your starting in the middle and i've missed some crucial piece of info anyways i also think if you used the punctuation a little differently it would add more feeling but thats just how i feel about the first paragraph so moving along.

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

im not sure exactly what that you are sayin here and it does confuse me but maybe im to simple to understand idk? are you sayin you wont be unhappy forever? please feel me in on this part now to the next.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.=this right here i do like
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.= i also like the lovin feeling i get from this part maybe im not that thick after-all

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same. =i dont know that spit is a good word cause to me it feel like you are tryin to convey some sorta love and spit does not say love to me but then again i cant think of anything to put in its place
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.=i also like this line right here< it gives me a good feeling unlike spit

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,=what is the last step what is the metaphor here?
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

im not entirely 100% sure how i feel about that last paragraph i dont that i like but i also dont know that i dont like it sorry i cant be more clear about it

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.

once again confused here now you've brought someone else into the mix i dont understand
this

And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.=although i do like how you wrapped this up this one was a hard one for me to crit and i dont think i was very helpful because half the time i didnt understand exactly what you were trying to convey i get that somthing in here is painful it is just unclear to ME just what that is it was enjoyable to read becuase its not everyday someone post somthing this complex and so full of metaphorical views but it was anice change from the monotony of simplicity but anyways
i dont know if you've read my piece"girls are ****ing evil my friend"
if you'd like to check it out and tell me how simple it is and how uncomplex my writing is
i would love to hear it
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

I like the first stanza a lot, espeically the first line. Great imagery

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

once again, nice stanza. You have good flow so far
You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.
I odnt know if its just me, but the last line doesnt seem to fit to well due to the rhyme scheme

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.


It seems the mood of the piece changes for this stanza. Not a bad one at all, but i'd change some of the words around for emotional effect. The last line makes up for a lot though.

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

Great save on this one. Great imagery, really nothing i would change.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.
And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.
overall, you did a great job with imagery and making your words flow together. I especially like the last few lines, they really make you think deeper into it. If you change some of things i mentioned I think it would be an excellent piece. 9/10
C4C.


if you dont mind-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11493151
id greatly appeciate it
Last edited by CreateSalvation at Nov 14, 2007,
#14
Quote by Jammydude44
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.

Good start, I really loved the last line. It's so brutal... and just good.

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.

The flow is not quite as smooth here... good message, kind of hopeful here. (I can see the idea of rebirthing like Bleed_Away did.) However, I'd almost rather see this stanza end before the last two lines... I think its more fitting. Here you introduce a sort of hope to the piece after in the first stanza talking about hope is dead. Then in the next stanza you go back to cynical. Thus, the hopefulness feels out of place here. Just personal preference I guess.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.'

Last line just killed this for me. It was so simple, so meaningful... and then that? What did I do to piss you off that you decided to stab me after I trusted you to finish this out well?

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.

Beautiful. The imagery, the ideas, the last line. I suppose I can forgive your previous backstabbing after a stanza like this.

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.

I don't think I like the 'spoken' ending here. Some pieces it works, some pieces it doesn't. Here, it just feels like it detracts from what you were going for.... where as the part before it would have been a much deeper and more affecting end to the stanza.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.

And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.

Good ending. This has further convinced me that you need to take out the 'hopeful' section mentioned above... it just really doesn't suit your piece. I like the extended metaphor here... and the last little stanza really closes this out well.



Good work sir. I won't even bother trying to critique grammar or word choice, as you are far superior to me. I really enjoyed this piece though.

C4C on Nine Stories Later (sig), its short so it won't waste too much of your time.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#15
Some real useful comments there, thanks a bunch guys. I'm coming home early from school tomorrow so I should fit in your critiques between when I arrive back home and before I shoot back off to work.

Much appreciated.
#16
And she said nothing really matters anymore;
it's lost, so there's no point.
Hope has thrown itself over the railings
and hit the Earth with a thud.
Happiness is just a complex.
I didn't like this opening much. In itself it is quite solid, however - perhaps it's more because the rest of the piece was much better than this first stanza. The ideas are there, it's just a bit hectic and not quite formed. I just felt like you could have made more with what you had there.

Well, I've got news for you babe.
It's been Autumn for more than a month now,
and I've been too busy playing
in the rich red of the leaves to notice
that the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
You might think it's gone forever,
but it'll be back, I'll bet.
I really like this bit, but felt like the punctuation hurt it a lot. Working on the flow between sentences is crucial for this to work. I changed it around for myself and just loved what you were going for.

You say every rose has a thorn;
every society holds scorn.
Well there's bittersweet and then there's you,
hun, wrapped in long legs of liquorice.
Oh god, I so loved this part, I just felt you oversimplified it. Really. This was great though. Yup.

We've spent countless evenings together,
on the roof outside your bedroom, looking down
at the garden, where the rotten apples have begun to
sink in to the dirt. I'd speak sentiments to your eyes,
and you'd spit back the same.
Don't well up now, gorgeous; it's not time yet.
You know, looking at this more carefully now, I've commented on previous stanzas a bit too focused. The thing that I think bugged me was more the fact they didn't match one another. The voice seemed to change for some reason, and it is the only thing that to me faults this bit.

So the nights gave ways to mornings and I'd wake up
on the edge of the roof, last step,
you yelling and the dogs barking.
There'd be blood on your hands but no heart in your voice.
I'd jump and re-awaken in your bed, shaking.
A guilty flicker - dream or nightmare? No, that's stupid.
I can be quite specific about words I think can change, but again, the ideas are so strongly portrayed that I think it will be too picky. Only the voice of the main character, like I mentioned before.

Maybe it is true - she's the rose, you're the thorn.
I'd touch her but you'd prick me, prick me and make me bleed;
then she'd be begging me to cut her down.
This bit confused me a bit, I am not quite sure how it fits in the structure of the piece and if should be put separately at all. You also repeated some words in a manner that I found not fitting.

And so nothing really matters,
when the salt from your tears
kills the Earth you grow in.
I like the closure with the beginning of the piece and even though it's a tad of a dramatic ending for my taste, I still think it served the piece well.

I hope some of my comments will help, I haven't read your stuff in a while and I like the improvement that I see.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#17
You have a very slapdash style - the writing is confused and frenetic at times, I feel. Now, that said, I really enjoyed the piece. The rotting apples - brilliant imagery. The first and second stanzas took some time for me to puzzle out; I think that if I interpret correctly, perhaps the addition of quotation marks might clear up the meaning in the first stanza? At any rate, the hope climbing over the railings is an interesting line, and the jumping motif adds a lot to the poem. The response to the initial statement - the red leaves and the 'sun will come out tomorrow' bit - was also pretty terrific.

Your use of the 'downward' throughout, is really impressive. The poem is a continuous descent - which seems appropriate, given all the "fall" imagery. I love it.

Anyway, crit back if you wouldn't mind - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=730050
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.