#1
Please say something.

maybe it’s the syntax of the words i never dare to utter
the single thing i wouldn’t ever do
because i’m a coward

i only wish you could read my mind.
so everything would be easier.

even if you already know
i couldn’t make a simpler sound,
than a phrase branded on the asphalt.
but that’s what makes you so exceedingly difficult.
and it pains me to see the plaid.
it kills me to see the belt.
and it breaks me to see that hair.
like a supernova it rockets off your tenacious top and winds down the sides of your ears but protruding off the black holes you pasted on your ears.
i don’t think you could hear me any louder.

when i say,
“I NEED YOU.”
it’s for your own safety.

and then i enter triumphantly
with the audacity of a god
i will smite the smile that shimmies on my shoulder.

and i can say without hesitating,
that when all is finally silent.
you will be able to hear me.
with the turn of this breath,
everything fades to the hues between the colors.


I'll say something about your jank.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#2
Quote by fightrobbert!
Please say something.

maybe it’s the syntax of the words i never dare to utter
the single thing i wouldn’t ever do
because i’m a coward

I dont think the first line works, and the rest of the stanza really depends on it because its so short. so this one kind of falls flat. :/

i only wish you could read my mind.
so everything would be easier.

again, without a good first stanza this one falls short too. It serves as a very nice lead up to the next one however


even if you already know
i couldn’t make a simpler sound,
than a phrase branded on the asphalt.
but that’s what makes you so exceedingly difficult.
and it pains me to see the plaid.
it kills me to see the belt.
and it breaks me to see that hair.
like a supernova it rockets off your tenacious top and winds down the sides of your ears but protruding off the black holes you pasted on your ears.
i don’t think you could hear me any louder.

really really great stanza. I love it minus the 3rd to last and 2nd to last lines. using ears twice really really kills it. supernovas don't rocket but i get what your trying to say. I feel like you could have easily used another word.


when i say,
“I NEED YOU.”
it’s for your own safety.

I don't understand the tone of this statement. The fact that YOU need her has nothing to do with HER safety. You could have said I want to be with you, or i wish for you to be with me or something of that nature and it would have worked a bit better.


and then i enter triumphantly
with the audacity of a god
i will smite the smile that shimmies on my shoulder.

I don't like the word smite, I think it sounds bad but thats personal preference. good stanza.

and i can say without hesitating,
that when all is finally silent.
you will be able to hear me.
with the turn of this breath,
everything fades to the hues between the colors.


I think this last stanza is SUPERB. It really brings the whole thing together.

although I criticized this piece a lot, i really think it works together as a whole. Im also kind of half awake right now so I may not be thinking logically. I would say good job. Not amazing, but def above average. (although I think compared to some of your other stuff this is a bit worse, you can do better)

I'll say something about your jank.


good stuff.