#1
What if we had a world
When skin color didn’t matter
Your hair could be curled
And your clothes could be tattered

What if we had a school
When no one is a geek
No one is cool
No stronger than weak

What if we got medals
For all our accomplishments
A friend fixes a pedal
Not worthy of compliments?

What if we had seas
Of beautiful blue
An autumn of leaves
With colors so true

I think you’ll agree
With the side that I tell
The world the holds me
Is a world full of hell

If we could be less cruel
To our neighbors and friends
With a push and a pull
A new world, begins


I know it needs a little reworking, but what do you think so far?
C4C
Last edited by Artsniff at Nov 12, 2007,
#2
What if we had a world
When skin color didn’t matter
Your hair could be curled
And your clothes could be tattered

i really like how that you started this piece off and i like how the rhyme scheme is so far

What if we had a school
When no one is a geek= really nicely done
No one is cool
No stronger than weak= this flows wonderfully so far and so far no big issues


And what if we got medals
For all our accomplishments
A friend fixes a pedal
Not worthy of compliments?

the only thing that i dont like with this part is that you started with and but it is your piece and you can start it however you damn well please thats what make sit unique!!!!!

What if we had seas
Of beautiful blue
An autumn of leaves
With colors so true

this part here is very strong and it is starting to pull everything together really tight!
nothing bad here either!!

I think you’ll agree
With the side that I tell
The world the holds me
Is a world full of hell

nice ryhme scheme here once again! and i like your style and structure! and once again nothing bad to say or any suggestions for improvment!

If we could be less cruel
To our neighbors and friends
With a push and a pull
A new world, begins

look im just gonna say this piece is ****ing awesome and i disagree with you i dont think you really need to do anything except maybe come up with somthing other than and on that one part
anyways have you checked out my piece? "girls are ****ing evil my friend"
if not read it through and tell me what you think cool?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
anything else you want me to crit send me a link and i will!!!
#3
Thanks for the Crit cjsquid. But for some reason the link you sent me is blocked on my computer or something. Give me a link to another peice so i can crit it?

[EDIT] Thanks for the crit about the 'and' i knew something was wrong with that stanza, it was because i had an extra sylable in the first line, i think that fixed it...Thanks alot
Last edited by Artsniff at Nov 12, 2007,