#1
Enjoy.

Aweba, Ayouba, Ameoba

Moth balls hung
inside a woven har-har-heart,
to find a bug to call it's home.
We were a practical joke these days,
a lame novelty, a seasonal prank.
The inside, the seeds, the pumpkin
looks like it's throwing itself up. I felt
like throwing myself up, carving out
the inside of my stomach and putting
a burgandy candle that smells like
car wax, sunshine and dead leaves.
Even though someone would come
along to blow it out, just to
smell the smoke.
I couldn't muster the strength to
pick up the clothes, the damp flannel
off the floor, I stopped trying to lift,
and I just layed down, and slept in
the corner of my room. I was waiting for
the moth to mistake me for a pile
of wet laundry and devour me.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
I love the sensory detail ESPECIALLY the car-wax, sunshine and dead leaves. Because while its rather abstract, I think its a really good way to describe that smell. And the smoke. Those olfactory sensations are really good, and usually not present in most things i read on here. The first three lines confuse me... i know you connect back to the mothballs at the end, but i don't know what har-har-heart is besides...lame. To ind a bug to call it's home is confusing as well.... i don't know about that one. I like the next two lines, though. I like the ending, moths devouring people is kind of horrific, but that's why its strong. Good job, i'd say.
what comes up comes out
#3
har-har (as in laughing) heart is supposed to go right into the practical joke theme, maybe it wasn't close enough.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
Ah! I get it now. But i'm still not sure I like it. I'll reread it with that notion...

well I like the idea but since there's a line in between I don't think it works... imo.
what comes up comes out
#5
Quote by Something_Vague
har-har (as in laughing) heart is supposed to go right into the practical joke theme, maybe it wasn't close enough.



Don't worry Matt. Being the brilliant, gifted lover of old comedy that I am, I got it.

Good stuff. The car wax, sunshine and dead leaves line was pretty great.
Poor advice.
#6
Moth balls hung
inside a woven har-har-heart,
to find a bug to call it's home.
We were a practical joke these days,
a lame novelty, a seasonal prank.
3rd line here sounds awkward. Also it's "its," unless it's "it is."
The inside, the seeds, the pumpkin
looks like it's throwing itself up. I felt
like throwing myself up, carving out
the inside of my stomach and putting
a burgandy candle that smells like
car wax, sunshine and dead leaves.
Even though someone would come
along to blow it out, just to
smell the smoke.
Best part here, as others have noted. It makes me feel like I'm inside the pumpkin and seeing other people. Very cool imagery.
I couldn't muster the strength to
pick up the clothes, the damp flannel
off the floor, I stopped trying to lift,
and I just layed down, and slept in
the corner of my room. I was waiting for
the moth to mistake me for a pile
of wet laundry and devour me.
You stopped trying to lift what? I know you were talking about clothes, but it sounds somewhat unfinished. This ends quite well. I like how you brought it back to the first line. Very nice.

9/10. Not many mistakes, very good and it flows well. I enjoyed this piece. I have a few pieces in my sig. "I wish the lock" has no replies. . Crit for crit.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#7
I really think only you could pull of har-har-heart. I liked it's use as understatement.

I loved this. Not much else to say.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
It feels like this piece explains laziness of not bothring anymore (to scare people?). I get the image of halloween in my head, or is the curevd pumpkin illusioning some sort of tradition (not necessaraly halloween) that you just can't be bothered to bring or join - you'd rather it be destroyed or hid or it be brought to you? And is the laundry meaning some type of event happening at that tradition awhile back?
#10
I think the first sentence is worded a bit clumsily.
There were some spots where it was kind of redundant, just as far as the language goes, and they could afford some condensing perhaps.

Otherwise this is excellent.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Nov 14, 2007,
#11
this is actually a pretty decently written piece. some of the words like moth ball, burgandy, etc. kind of go with your usage of pairing really pretty images with really disgusting and badly worded ones. its pretty cool to see that balance in your work. its also good to see you not posting entries from that book. this is much more your style and you seem comfortable in it.
#14
lol dude, no it's not.

Don't spam my thread, if you think it's bumping report it. Now shut up.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#15
Not the best from you, but just as enjoyable as most of your pieces. I thought the candle line fit in perfectly with the piece and came at the right time. The whole story line was kind of weak, but eh, it was original, and you made it pretty interesting, so props...

-BJ
#16
Thanks BJ.

And I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten on this, it means a lot.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic