#1
ok here is another song my third ever. i know its a little cleche but whatever, i was asked to write a love song for english. anyway i need crits ill return the favor.

I am cast into a world unknown
With feelings I cant describe
And basking in the sun
Its just you and i
I don’t know how I got here
But I know theres nothing to fear
Its just you and me
And me and you
And you and I
Until the day we die

Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Here in my life
Baby I love you
Baby I need you
Here by my side


Days will pass
Our love will last
until the end of time
and with nothing behind us
and nothing in front
you'll take my hand

Chorus

We will walk
Together forever
Nothing in our way
Through thick and thin
Our love will stay
Forever this way

Chorus

And what the future hold
We wont know
Well face it together
You are the light
You are the compass
You are the map
That leads straight to my heart
And baby I love you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Untitled(need help please)
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=708083
i thank god for you
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=691115
Last edited by lacrosse2407 at Nov 13, 2007,
#2
nice, although it looks quite long for a love song to me.
(but maybe it's just me who writes short ones )
do you already have music behind it?
(i would like to hear it!)
#4
I am cast into a world unknown
With feelings I cant describe
And basking in the sun
Its just you and i
I don’t know how I got here
But I know theres nothing to fear
Its just you and me
And me and you
And you and I
Until the day we die

nicely wierd structure so far im enjoying it

Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Here in my life
Baby I love you
Baby I need you
By my side

now i sing this to myself im not entirely sure that this fits but im also critin this as i go thats just how i do it so it if pulls together i'll let you know in my end synopsis.

Days will pass
Our love will last
until the end of time
and with nothing behind us
and nothing in from
youll take my hand

okay this is okay its kinda fits with everythin else in a good wierd way!!

We will walk
Together forever
Nothing in our way
Through thick and thin
Our love will stay
Forever this way

this i like alot i like the ryhmes and how they sound compared to everything else

And what the future hold
We wont know
Well face it together
You are the light
You are the compass
You are the map
That leads straight to my heart
And baby I love you

you for SURE get your love/point across alothough a little roughly.
so what i have to say about it all around its a good piece could use a little polish not much and the only part that didnt sit well with me is the"and with nothing behind us
and nothing in from
youll take my hand" its a little confusing i think maybe you had a typo or something but its got very potentiol and you dont need me to tell you that this is an over-written topic but when your in love WHO CARES right!!!
i hope that i could help you in some way
have you read my piece"girls are ****ing evil my friend"
its deffinantly completely opposite to your piece but any ways check it out and tell me what you think and please dotn hold back
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#5
yea some of those were typos i fixed them now
shouldnt change much
but thanks
ill get to your piece soon promise
#6
Quote by lacrosse2407
ok here is another song my third ever. i know its a little cleche but whatever, i was asked to write a love song for english. anyway i need crits ill return the favor.

I am cast into a world unknown
With feelings I cant describe
And basking in the sun
Its just you and i
I don’t know how I got here
But I know theres nothing to fear
Its just you and me
And me and you
And you and I
Until the day we die

Nice rhyming structure here, good use of words. Also good use of repition.

Cause baby I love you
Baby I need you
Here in my life
Baby I love you
Baby I need you
Here by my side


Love this chorus. I'd be interested to see how this turns out with music

Days will pass
Our love will last
until the end of time
and with nothing behind us
and nothing in front
you'll take my hand

This verse, in my mind is not as strong as the first. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but it doesnt fit together as well as the first.


Chorus

We will walk
Together forever
Nothing in our way
Through thick and thin
Our love will stay
Forever this way

Nice little breakdown section here. I think this would work well with some sort of slow, mournful chord progression.

Chorus

And what the future hold
We wont know
Well face it together
You are the light
You are the compass
You are the map
That leads straight to my heart
And baby I love you

Beautiful ending. Leaves the listener with a quesiton. Good Work.


Overall this is a well structured song. Id be very eager to hear this put to some music.

Crit mine when you have time? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709537

thanks
Quote by Ed Hunter
Kick your brother in his penis adorned head.