#1
I scratched my chest to feel the pain
then hugged myself, pretending
that someone would care about me
whose love was never ending.

I shout my life into the dark
the stars above shine bright
as if they knew or understood
what I am down here, tonight.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare,
THAT WE WALK the road to misery
and our shoes, our shoes begin to tear.

That thought is like a drug to me.
Please don't pretend to care,
but this is all I have tonight
as I'm shaking with despair.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
so that some day I will find
WITH HIM or without y'all ruthlessly
my selfish, selfish peace of mind.

I hoped that someone'd heard me
and so I stopped to cry.
I felt like I'm the only one
beneath an endless sky.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare
THAT WE TRY to always give it all
and still noone ever seems to care.

"Talk to me", I whispered,
I pleaded but to my
insignificant downfall
the stars did not reply.

I WISH you'd sort it out for me
but I know, I know I'm all alone
so I lay down and watch the stars
and think of all the things I'll never own.

I fall so fast but still I barely touch
leaving it all behind
the black ocean of infinity
with nothing on my mind.
Last edited by maery at Nov 16, 2007,
#2
I scratched my chest to feel the pain
then hugged myself, pretending
that someone would care about me
whose love was never ending.

this start i dont feel is particularly strong and it didnt really grab my attention
but it did have a smooth flow to it.

I shout my life into the dark
the stars above shine bright
as if they knew or understood
what I am down here, tonight.

this however i like and i think it agrees with the start
and i like the ryhmes even though they do feel a slight bit forced.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare,
THAT WE WALK the road to misery
and our shoes, our shoes begin to tear.

now i think its okay to start loud but i think it would have been just fine quite
and the ryhmes are getting a bit to simple for my likeing but it is still flowing okay

That thought is like a drug to me.
Please don't pretend to care,
but this is all I have tonight
as I'm shaking with despair.
see now this verse is great i love how ryhmes work here and it is still flowing!

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
so that some day I will find
WITH HIM or without y'all ruthlessly
my selfish, selfish peace of mind.

i think you should change ya'll to you it makes peeps think your a little substandard and there is nothing wrong with ya'll hell im from houston,texas the ya'll state!

I hoped that someone'd heard me
and so I stopped to cry.
I felt like I'm the only one
beneath an endless sky.

once again you are really starting to pick up the quality here nice!

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare
THAT WE TRY to always give it all
and still noone ever seems to care.

i dont think that this repitation is working i think its taking away from the piece!

"Talk to me", I whispered,
I pleaded but to my
insignificant downfall
the stars did not reply.

this right here is okay it just doesnt seem to work with everything else but its your piece
so you know!

I WISH you'd sort it out for me
but I know, I know I'm all alone
so I lay down and watch the stars
and think of all the things I'll never own.

i like how you changed from you will to i wish that really works for me!!!

I fall so fast but still I barely touch
leaving it all behing
the black ocean of infinity
with nothing on my mind.

okay nie way to pull it all together but i am confused as to just what that you are talking about in this last verse is it suicide? it doesnt really matter i still like it although there are those few things that could use a little improving!
have you checked out my piece? its called "girls are ****ing evil my friend"
if you havent checked it out read and tell me what you think and by all means be as harsh as you can!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#3
hey thx alot I think you're right about most of the things you said and you really helped me...
I wanted to leave the last verse unsettled...
it doesn't have to be suicide, maybe I just fell asleep or fainted out of exhaustion?? up to whoever reads it... but suicide however wasn't my interpretaion.
#4
To start off for not being a native speaker it clearly shows your paying attention to what your doing.

I liked the piece because you managed to use the essence of common cliches without any of them being obvious or over bearing.

My favorite part of the whole thing was the ending verse. The whole piece builds up as being tense and full of worry yet at the end theres is a certain relief without the relief being forced.

The only thing I could see is just watch the repetition and the little things the abover user said.

Other than that pretty good job I'm pretty sure you'll end up being able to use the english language better than the lazy one's who were born with it.
Thanks for the crit by the way
Smile alot today... okay?
#5
Quote by maery
I scratched my chest to feel the pain
then hugged myself, pretending
that someone would care about me
whose love was never ending.

I shout my life into the dark
the stars above shine bright
as if they knew or understood
what I am down here, tonight.
pretty cliche and teen angst, to be honest.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare,
THAT WE WALK the road to misery
and our shoes, our shoes begin to tear.
this doesn't make any sense at all.

That thought is like a drug to me.
Please don't pretend to care,
but this is all I have tonight
as I'm shaking with despair.
best verse or whatever of this piece, but it's still not great.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
so that some day I will find
WITH HIM or without y'all ruthlessly
my selfish, selfish peace of mind.
this doesn't really make sense either.

I hoped that someone'd hear* me
and so I stopped to cry.
I felt like I'm the only one
beneath an endless sky.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare
THAT WE TRY to always give it all
and still noone ever seems to care.
your verbs and nouns aren't really agreeing for me, there's something wrong with your grammar that makes this song not make sense to me.

"Talk to me", I whispered,
I pleaded but to my
insignificant downfall
the stars did not reply.

I WISH you'd sort it out for me
but I know, I know I'm all alone
so I lay down and watch the stars
and think of all the things I'll never own.

I fall so fast but still I barely touch
leaving it all behind
the black ocean of infinity
with nothing on my mind.
this was good closure, another decent verse.


okay, so this was completely teen angst and cliche in so many ways,
you seemed to be rhyming just to rhyme and using words that just sounded good, instead of focusing on what you wanted the song to actually say or be about. it seriously reminds me of a teen girl who cuts herself and wants to be in a screamo band. and i wouldn't be surprised if that were you.
i'm not trying to be mean, but i think that you need to focus on something a little more... meaningful to write about. this song didn't fit together and it didn't impress me in the least.

a lot of people on this site can't write worth a ****,
but i suggest, if you're looking for some lyrical talent,
or some help with writing,
message me and i'll try my best.
i'm not the greatest writer in the world, but i know a lot of good writers,
and i can definitely give you an idea on what good writing is.

edit:
oh, and you can check out my newest song if you want to crit it.
#6
Quote by maery
I scratched my chest to feel the pain
then hugged myself, pretending
that someone would care about me
Although very angsty, I didn't completely mind this. It was an interesting choice of words. It wasn't particularly grabbing, but still different.
whose love was never ending.
I don't like this line here. Seems forced. And it's overused.

I shout my life into the dark
the stars above shine bright
as if they knew or understood
what I am down here, tonight.
This doesn't make much sense

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare,
THAT WE WALK the road to misery
and our shoes, our shoes begin to tear.
Do the caps emphasize shouting/screaming? Anyways, this also doesn't make too much sense. You're jumping from thought to thought. Think about this - what exactly ARE you saying here?

That thought is like a drug to me.
Please don't pretend to care,
but this is all I have tonight
as I'm shaking with despair.
Okay.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
so that some day I will find
WITH HIM or without y'all ruthlessly
my selfish, selfish peace of mind.
Y'all is a very, very bad choice here, IMO.

I hoped that someone'd heard me
and so I stopped to cry.
I felt like I'm the only one
beneath an endless sky.
Good idea, connects to the intro, but it needs more.

YOU WILL sort it all out for me
that lifes are nothing good or rare
THAT WE TRY to always give it all
and still noone ever seems to care.
Again, fix your phrases. They make practically no sense.

"Talk to me", I whispered,
I pleaded but to my
insignificant downfall
the stars did not reply.
This is probably my favourite part of your piece. Though, it reads awkwardly.

I WISH you'd sort it out for me
but I know, I know I'm all alone
so I lay down and watch the stars
and think of all the things I'll never own.
This, at least to me, makes me think your 'character' here is concerned about materialistic things. Kind of detaches from the original theme.

I fall so fast but still I barely touch
leaving it all behind
the black ocean of infinity
with nothing on my mind.
More good ideas, but not executed as well as they could have been.


Overall I don't think it was too bad. Yes it was cliche, yes it was full of teen-angst, as someone else mentioned, but I'll put that aside. You had some good ideas, but seemed unsure of how to say them. I believe somebody also mentioned English isn't your fist language? So that accounts for the confusion I felt when trying to understand what it was you were trying to say. With time and practice I'm sure you will get much better. Best of luck. Thank you for reading mine.