#1
Amidst my darkened sleeping quarters
I lay without a plan
Annoyed extremely with the barter
My mind makes again
Sell the sleep, get the spirit
Cries my fragile mind
Although I try, I still can hear it
It screeches and it grinds
Tell the world! Tell your truths!
Someone will understand!
Unless they all are untrained brutes
Unpolished in philosophy's hand
Don't I know it, you could too
If only you could see me through
#2
Nice. From the first couple of lines it really creates a mood by creating a vivid image. It flows really well..good job with that..and it conveys a lot of emotion. Its cool bc I can easily relate to the situation there. Its not over the top emotional and dramatic but at the same time it sets a powerful mood.

The only complaint really is the last two lines. I think it sorta goes off the theme of the piece. Still, it fits in the structure well so I can't complain that much.
#3
Not to be nitpicky...but this isn't a sonnet. The rhyme scheme is correct, but a sonnet is supposed to be in iambic pentameter. In Iambic pentameter, each line is going to have 5 pairs of unstressed-stressed syllables.


Here is an example from Shakespeare, since he is the man. This is the prologue to the second act of Romeo and Juliet:


Now old desire doth in his death-bed lie,
And young affection gapes to be his heir;
That fair for which love groan'd for and would die,
With tender Juliet match'd, is now not fair.
Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,
Alike betwitched by the charm of looks,
But to his foe supposed he must complain,
And she steal love's sweet bait from fearful hooks:
Being held a foe, he may not have access
To breathe such vows as lovers use to swear;
And she as much in love, her means much less
To meet her new-beloved any where:
But passion lends them power, time means, to meet
Tempering extremities with extreme sweet.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
Last edited by roamingbard13 at Nov 13, 2007,