#1
This idea came to me when I saw a graveyard, and it sorta grew from there. Any ideas for a title are welcome.

The marble crosses stand mute but strong
Though stained and worn by dirt, age, and storm
The bronze names, set in placards in the sod
Hid by grime, marker buried with man.

The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
Until the time you come to them

A mocking sun dances over the graves
Casting bitter-sweet light from harsh skies
‘Til leaden clouds roll in, a gloomy parade
To commemorate another cross filling up the space

A single voice mingles with sobs and tears
Spilling out from the mass in the corner
A prayer, a benediction, then nothing
Everybody, save one, whisper away
Back to their lives, never to return
‘Til it’s their time to be the one left behind

The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
E'en after you have come to them
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Jan 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by theoneandonlyq
This idea came to me when I saw a graveyard, and it sorta grew from there. Any ideas for a title are welcome.

The marble crosses stand mute but strong
Though stained and worn by dirt, age, and storm
The bronze names, set in placards in the sod
Hid by grime, the marker buried with the man.
I like the first 3 lines, last part of last line has a good message but doesn't flow very well
The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
‘Til the time you come to them
Nothing wrong here, like it alot.
A mocking sun dances over the graves
Casting bitter-sweet light from harsh skies
‘Til leaden clouds roll in, a gloomy parade
To commemorate another cross filling up the space
first 2 lines are good. really like "mocking sun". last 2 once again good message, but needs to be conveyed better.
A single voice mingles with sobs and tears
Spilling out from the mass in the corner
A prayer, a benediction, then nothing
Everybody, save one, whisper away
Back to their lives, never to return
‘Til it’s their time to be the one left behind
This is simply amazing, not the best flow, but that's overshadowed by the content. This stanza right here made me love the piece.
The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
Even after you come to them
Like the idea for the last line, but it's not in flow with the rest of the stanza


Overall, I like it alot. Just a few minor things that need changed. But a great idea.
8.7/10
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#3
Does anyone have any suggestions for how I might help the flow? I knew that the flow was a little choppy when I first wrote this, but I didn't have any decent ideas of how to fix it, so I went ahead and posted it...
#4
With the 2nd and last stanza's the 2nd stanza's last line has 7 syllables(sp?) while in the last one the last line has 8, try and change the last one to fit in 7 syllables.
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#6
The first and third stanzas seemed to get the imagery across well, but the 2nd stanza is the one I liked the best. The whole piece vaugly reminds me of Pink Floyd's 'Time'. A suggestion or two I had:

A single voice mingles with sobs and tears
Spilling out from the mass in the corner
A prayer, a benediction, then nothing
Everybody, save one, whisper away
Back to their lives, never to return
‘Til it’s their time to be the one left behind
I would suggest using the word turn instead of time in the last line; although time and behind form a kind of half-rhyme sorta thing, not sure if that was intentional or not.


The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
E'en after you have come to them

I would try rewritting the last line:
Even after you've come to them OR
Even after you join them

I though overall you did a good job and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for critting mine, peace.
#7
This idea came to me when I saw a graveyard, and it sorta grew from there. Any ideas for a title are welcome.

The marble crosses stand mute but strong
Though stained and worn by dirt, age, and storm
The bronze names, set in placards in the sod
Hid by grime, marker buried with man.
Your imagery skills in this stanza are extremely well detailed...I can't find a single flaw in this whole stanza.


The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
Until the time you come to them
I don't really understand how the crosses would come to you and then you come to the crosses...Shouldn't only one be going to the other? I don't know, this really confused me. I don't really understand the contradiction between the 3rd and 4th lines either. But then again, I'm not here to UNDERSTAND your work...just analyze it. You use details and imagery skillfully once again in this stanza.


A mocking sun dances over the graves
Casting bitter-sweet light from harsh skies
‘Til leaden clouds roll in, a gloomy parade
To commemorate another cross filling up the space
Interesting personification of the clouds, sun and sky. Emotional appeal is strong here, too, everything seems either really evil or hopeless.


A single voice mingles with sobs and tears (The voice from the new cross???)
Spilling out from the mass in the corner
A prayer, a benediction, then nothing
Everybody, save one, whisper away
Back to their lives, never to return
‘Til it’s their time to be the one left behind
The mass in the corner...mourners? What is this "corner"? I like the fact that they forget and move on with their dead loved one(s), but it also gives a more impending doom feel too, so it's good you remain consistent.

The rows of memories and men
Are growing longer by the day.
The winds of change may blow
But a tempest won’t change a thing
Because the crosses will keep coming
E'en after you have come to them
You are one of the few people on this forum that I have seen use the rhyme-scheme ' technique!

I really liked this read... it's very obvious you are experienced in writing. In my own opinion, you have the potential to be a great writer. Keep 'em coming, man!
"Music is an expression. Not competition." ~ Woe, Is Me

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Amp
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#9
Hey thnx for the crit. and I am not much of a writer lol but my gf wanted me to write somethin so wat the hell right. haha ya dude

well to me this was pretty good. a lot of big words i didnt understand. good job. =] lol. really i see nothin wrong witht his its pretty good. haha. but likke i said. not much of a writer so i wouldnt know anything really. but ya lol... good job

sorry if i was a bit repetitive there haha