#1
OTS Writing. Some parts are alright I think. Not a whole lot of punctuation.


I’m just one half of the heart attack
Watching my back, covering my tracks
Because somewhere out there is my other half
The girl with all of the power to
Make my life completely shatter and crash
But then again, she’s the only one who
Can take my heart right off of my sleeve
And put it back where it’s supposed to be
Into the depths of a loveless chest
Where the emptiness is filled with
My lung’s last meaningful breath
When romance was only make believe
And never something that I’d truly need
Now though, I know that this girl is the key
So I’ll keep my eyes looking for a sign
Of that beautiful girl with no man by her side
That girl with a kick in her step
And a gleam in her eye.
Yeah, she’s the one.
#2
I’m just one half of the heart attack
Watching my back, covering my tracks=nice start could be a little better but thats true about n-e-thing
Because somewhere out there is my other half
The girl with all of the power to
Make my life completely shatter and crash=i like how this line ends even though its not a real ryhme its still pleasent
But then again, she’s the only one who
Can take my heart right off of my sleeve
And put it back where it’s supposed to be=i like the use of words here slighty typical though
Into the depths of a loveless chest
Where the emptiness is filled with
My lung’s last meaningful breath= now i like the pattern im startin to see develope here
When romance was only make believe
And never something that I’d truly need=can completely relate to this!!
Now though, I know that this girl is the key
So I’ll keep my eyes looking for a sign
Of that beautiful girl with no man by her side=its okay here but is starting to slow down
That girl with a kick in her step
And a gleam in her eye.
Yeah, she’s the one.= and honestly i dont like the ending but the begining was very nice you had a great foundation to work from but i think somwhere along the way you lost it and mainly towards actually the last three lines i believe it wasnt horrible and i cant believe you havent gotten more crits on this piece maybe its the title because i read the title and it doesnt make me think its goin to be a heartbreak/love/story/poem but anyways it was decent enough people crit this piece he deserves at least (hope that statement doesnt break anyrules)???
anyways have you read my piece"girls are ****ing evil my friend" if you havent check it out and tell me what you think
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?