#1
she’s broke promises,
bent bangs, “blood on blood”.
we spent three days
forgetting, and choking down
the gags in our throat
only to find our stomachs filling our laps.
i’ve been closing different eyes,
begging for days to wash away in every blink.
but every dilated pupil is marked with trickled urge,
stretched smiles, and single finger tips.
how many minutes does it take to make those sheets warm?
how many hours to slip inside you?
i’ve found my hands full.
damp dolls, and letters that reek amour
wood kisses and paper apologies.
i can’t hold it anymore.
resting atop a bed of chicory,
“i need you”.


crit for crit, as per usual
#2
Thanks for your crit. I appreciate it.

she’s broke promises, Broken not Broke. Broke might be grammatically correct, Broken just sounds nicer.
bent bangs, “blood on blood”.
we spent three days
forgetting, and choking down
the gags in our throat I like the imagery here
only to find our stomachs filling our laps. I would replace "filling" with "sitting in". It just make more sense to me. i’ve been closing different eyes,
begging for days to wash away in every blink.
but every dilated pupil is marked with trickled urge, I'm not feeling the word "trickled" here. I really don't think an adjective is necessary there, so I would just drop "trickled" and change "with" to "by".
stretched smiles, and single finger tips.
how many minutes does it take to make those sheets warm? Nice line, the only complaint I have is that it's kind of long. Maybe break it, or cut it down?
how many hours to slip inside you?
i’ve found my hands full.
damp dolls, and letters that reek amour
wood kisses and paper apologies. Once again, great imagery
i can’t hold it anymore.
resting atop a bed of chicory, I would either drop this line or put it before the "i can't hold it" line. I think the "I can't hold" line needs to immediately precede the last line
“i need you”. Nice way to end the piece.
#3
Amazing.

Sorry my comments suck.

It's all I can get out at the moment..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
she’s broke promises, > sounds a bit wrong, i agree with thermasvolta; + what about "she is a broken promise"?
bent bangs, “blood on blood”.
we spent three days
forgetting, and choking down
the gags in our throat
only to find our stomachs filling our laps.> lovely physical imagery
i’ve been closing different eyes,
begging for days to wash away in every blink.
but every dilated pupil is marked with trickled urge,> i find 'trickled' breaking the flow
stretched smiles, and single finger tips. > nice alliteration
how many minutes does it take to make those sheets warm? > find it a lil long, what about removing 'those'?
how many hours to slip inside you? > i think 'hours' and 'to' lacks something inbetween them.
i’ve found my hands full.
damp dolls, and letters that reek amour
wood kisses and paper apologies.
i can’t hold it anymore.
resting atop a bed of chicory, >lacks some flow imo
“i need you”.


crit for crit, as per usual



i really enjoyed this piece, the imagery was great, sorry for the crappy crit also. Cheers.
u are very welcomed to have a look at mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714816