#1
This song is almost all symbolism but i want to see if you guys can figure out what its really about.....and go ahead and crit it as well please.....i know its unorganized right now and some lines are weak but im workin on it and figured i would get some help from you guys cuz you guys do give the best advice....as always in all of my posts, c4c so leave a link to ur song on ur post..thanks

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to be
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

My reflection is not always there
But I know all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to be
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear as my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my soul
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!
Last edited by zeppelin_freak0 at Dec 11, 2007,
#2
That has got to be one of the coolest songs I've heard in a long time my friend. It's very well done up.

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

This first stanza sets a really good mood and really grabbed my attention. Well done.


My reflection is not always there
But I know all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

To me, this one kinda loses a little bit of the feeling that the whole song had, but is still very nice. Maybe go through and just review how you worded things as a whole.


The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

This bit is AWESOME! Very well worded, it conveys the weight of the message with the force of a sledgehammer to the chest. My compliments on this.


Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear as my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!


This last line throws a tasty twist into the song. It's a little confusing, had to read it a few times for a kinda realized where it went. Other than that a very cool ending.


All in all, this a very nice piece. It's well written, it takes on an interesting topic. To me it seemed like it was about someone who had traveled down a dark path and thought they were spiraling out of control, but then realized that they had to pull themselves back to the top.

BTW, if you would like, I have a piece I recently posted

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=702531&highlight=Interfearance
#3
It's an okay piece. Doesn't flow very well in any place for more than a two line break. I think this is mainly because some lines are extremely short while some are very long, doesn't help very well without some punctuation inbetween. Good attempt but try and read through it with someone else's perspective, because sometimes writers see their writing said differantly than other people.
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#4
Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

My reflection is not always there
But I know all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

it like it man very nice, everything is great nice flow and imagery,

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear as my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!

this is such and interesting piece, very mysterious and i you did a great job depicting that, overall this was very awesome, everything was pretty much perfect, it had the imagery, the story and the mysterious aspects, coming together to make an awesome peice of work
#5
Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

My reflection is not always there
But I know all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

it like it man very nice, everything is great nice flow and imagery,

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear as my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!

this is such and interesting piece, very mysterious and i you did a great job depicting that, overall this was very awesome, everything was pretty much perfect, it had the imagery, the story and the mysterious aspects, coming together to make an awesome peice of work care to take a lot at my song, as the clock hits seven
#7
ok i just realized i had a few typos that kinda change the song a lil bit lol so heres the fixed version...its not rewritten yet, just fixin the typos, i hope by monday ill have the new version posted up

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to be
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

My reflection is not always there
But It knows all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear
and suddenly my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!
#8
Quote by zeppelin_freak0

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what I've become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong
Nice beginning, it really grabbed my attention.

My reflection is not always there
But I know all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know
The last 3 lines could be much better.

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul
I love this part, although "which is nothing now but a hole" would probally sound better as "which is now nothing but a hole"

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong
The third line doesn't fit well with the others.

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear as my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!
Another great part, although I don't know the word "sould"?


I really liked this, 8.5/10.
#9
i say awesome writing. u got talent. i usually find it really hard to think of a symbols when i write, but u nailed it. way 2 go. 9/10
(because no song is perfect)
#10
Thanks everybody...actually scarlatti, the word "sould" is a typo, its supposed to be sould, and when i say "I ponder what I used to me" the "me" is supposed to be "be", yet another typo to my crappy typing ability, anymore comments? You guys are helping me alot, really
#11
i think its a good piece, though i think some lines are too long and don't fit with the others. you could try taking out some connector words like "and" witch you start with alot, for instance
"And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong"

could be:
"the very reflection that exists only through me,
i reminice over the things i've done wrong"

or something like that
"my pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me whose side you should be on...." -Fall Out Boy
My Songs:
1)You vs. Me (Can't Compare to Me vs. You)
2) Twelve Miles Of Coastline
(if i could figure out the links then i would )
#13
Quote by zeppelin_freak0
ok i just realized i had a few typos that kinda change the song a lil bit lol so heres the fixed version...its not rewritten yet, just fixin the typos, i hope by monday ill have the new version posted up

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to be
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

nice start, like said above, last 2 lines could be reworked

My reflection is not always there
But It knows all ive done wrong
And when I look in its eyes
I slowly walk away and begin to run
It will always catch up to me
Because it knows everywhere I go
And all the things I try to hide
It will sooner or later know

this is good, maybe change the last line,
"It will sooner or later find"

The spirit that haunts me is not a ghost
Its my very own reflection
Every time I look in its eyes
It torchers me with my own recollections
Stopping at nothing to get its redemption
On my empty soul which is nothing now but a hole
And I have no control and nowhere to go
A simple reflection controls my soul

good stanza, only change i might make is removing
"now" from the 3rd to last line to make for better flow

Leaning over the rippling water
I see my reflection and realize what ive become
I ponder what I use to me
And search for where this evil came from
And the very reflection that exists only through me
Makes me reminisce all the things ive done wrong

same stanza as before but change the 3rd line, still says "me"
instead of "be"

I no longer stare at my reflection
It stares at me
My blood runs cold as my conscience unfolds
But then its reality I think I see
My reflection does as I do
So im the one in control
I look at my reflection in confidence
But it grins at me and the water goes clear
and suddenly my reflection disappears
And I realize….my reflection is my sould
And im just the one on the other side of the mirror!


great outro, 2nd to last line "sould"? suppose to be soul? i dont know.
could just drop the "and" in last line, 2 consecutive lines starting with "and"
doesnt sound as good.


overall its a good piece, I enjoyed it. Just needs some final tweaking to be great.


http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11822187#post11822187
#15
Nothing really to say about this, no complaints at all. Last line is amazing.
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