#1
So we raise our fist of fiery,
To the sickening beast,
With his back up against a wall,
Fighting for us all,
To be free,

And the judge ruled hash,
And their lawyers thought through our master plan,

With no where to go,
No where to hide,
Sick twisted,
Death is on,
Our side,

When the final act is done,
They’ve practically won,
But there fear is heard all the time,

Off they sail,
Like pirates in the sand,
Digging for gold,

So a modern day pirate,
Leaves his country,
To take over the world,

But did we not let them?
Did we not lend a hand?
Why would we help?
Help you finish your plan,

What happens next,
All of us fear,
The clock ticks to seven,
Doomsday is near,

All of this happens,
In one little month,
Twelve months a year,

So see if this continues,
It won’t be to long,
Till the unthinkable thinks,
And all is gone,

let me know what you guys think, all comments are welcomed, and of course crit 4 crit.
#2
idk, but overall, for me, i dont like it, but thats my point of view, the rhyming is good, your figure of speeches (comparaison, methaphor,w/e.) kind of seem cheezy. I don't really feel your song, anyways, thats what i think. anyways cya.
#4
come on guys, i crit a bunch, and no one will even take a look at mine?
#5
Quote by Greg_23
So we raise our fiery fists,
To the sickening beast,
With his back up against a wall,
Fighting for us all,
To be free,

I think you should find another adjective than "sickening". Sickening just doesn't fit.

And the judge ruled harsh,
And their lawyers thought through our master plan,

I really like these lines. However the second line needs either be split or trimmed.

With no where to go,
No where to hide,
Sick twisted,
Death is on,
Our side,

Not feeling this at all.
It's just kind of boring

When the final act is done,
They’ve practically won,
But there fear is heard all the time,

Off they sail,
Like pirates in the sand,
Digging for gold,

So a modern day pirate,
Leaves his country,
To take over the world,

Those two stanza make me think that you should wrote a song about pirates. This piece seems to lack a theme, and I think that pirates would have been a good theme.
But did we not let them?
Did we not lend a hand?
Why would we help?
Help you finish your plan,

The clock ticks to seven,
And we all fear,
What happens next,

I cut and rearranged this stanza to make more suspenseful

All of this happens,
In one little month,
Twelve months a year,

I think this stanza is unneccessary. I would cut it out

So see if this continues,
It won’t be to long,
Till the unthinkable thinks,
And all is gone,

I liked this ending especially the "unthinkable thinks" phrase. I thought that was pretty clever.
let me know what you guys think, all comments are welcomed, and of course crit 4 crit.


Anyways, i hope my crit helps you out.
#6
yea man thanks alot bro, the songs not about pirates, but it would be a good song idea, its about negative events happening in the world that make a "doomsday Clock" tick closer till 12, like each war or whatever moves the clock along, the pirate thing is kinda about the bush administration or well any government like that, like they sail off to another country and try and take it over, but the whole time money is on there mind, but anyways haha, thanks alot for your crit, any song or somthing you want me to look at just let me know
#7
I though this was pretty mediocre, to tell the truth. It felt cliched and tired. Some of your rhymes were okay, your structure is fine, Im just not feeling this. It sounds like every other metal song ever, talking about stuff like a "sickening beast" and "doomsday".
I just dont think its terribly original.