#1
You better reply. Or else. Crit for crit. And stuff.

i can’t believe i ****ed it up again.
something i saw coming. but i would never bother
to… ‘STOP IT!’

you better get out
before i kill you.
because i will. i swear to god. if you don’t come in to my mind. and stay awhile.
i swear to god.
i swear to god.

so come closer, honey. i swear i won’t birth a window. and look at you.
all day. and all night.
but taking breaks. to write such self-indulging poetry about you. and the fact that your body makes me dizzy.

i feel like i just got off of a rollercoaster of your figure.
1, 2, 3…irony!

and in all seriousness, i can’t scream this any louder when I say,
‘stop ****ing teasing me. i’m sick of your beautiful ****. you keep painting me textures. and i just want the smoothest heart I can find.’

i thought i could rely on you.
i thought i could swear to god.
but that’d be vain.
so i guess these veins will just keep pumping blood. but they’ll always know
they were meant for something so much more.
just like your words. that i seemed to have ****ed up.
again.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#3
Elaborate?
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#4
Veins don't pump blood lol.
Anyway i like this piece, its strong and it gets to the point and never out of it... its interesting to say the least. I think this piece is fairly perfect as long as the structure and concept is concerned. But the flow is quite weak, maybe next time you should try focusing your anger on a simple meter... maybe i should take my own advise. Kudos!

P.s: can you crit Hello Sammy
#5
I said veins pump blood because I couldn't think of a better word. I think I'll change it to carrying now though. I hate simple meter. Hate it with all my heart. Link prz.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#7
Interesting piece... I'll get back to it later when I'm not supposed to be doing HW *wink*

However, I like the kinkyness of this piece (yeah, I said kinky). That's the only way I can really describe it. But I'll detail a full crit within a day or two, promise.

If you'd like to jump the gun and get mine first (feel free to not, its no biggie), I have a fairly short piece called Nine Stories Later (link in sig).

<arnold>I'll be back... </arnold>
#8
The title was intriguing, and I liked it.

i can’t believe i ****ed it up again.
something i saw coming. but i would never bother
to… ‘STOP IT!’

Ok, interesting start. I really don't like it. Sounds like some whinging teenager having a rant. I know it gets better because I've read through it a few times, but this is really just a weak start. Hardly poetic...


you better get out
before i kill you.
because i will. i swear to god. if you don’t come in to my mind. and stay awhile.
i swear to god.
i swear to god.

This really appealed to me. The rhyming in L3 I thought was strange, and relatively unneccessary, but the repetition of the last two lines is really strong.

so come closer, honey. i swear i won’t birth a window. and look at you.
all day. and all night.
but taking breaks. to write such self-indulging poetry about you. and the fact that your body makes me dizzy.

'I swear I won't birth a window'? Care to elaborate? I mean, it sounds freakin' cool, but how do you birth a window?

and look at you.
all day. and all night.
but taking breaks.

^ Way too choppy there. The flow is gone, it really made no sense to me either anyway.

I'm the kind of guy who uses full stops then starts a sentence with 'and' too, but in this case I think it'd be better if you put a comma after the self-indulging poetry line.


i feel like i just got off of a rollercoaster of your figure.
1, 2, 3…irony!

Sweet. First line is brilliant... the irony part.... eh. While I like the idea, I don't like how you have portrayed it.

and in all seriousness, i can’t scream this any louder when I say,
‘stop ****ing teasing me. i’m sick of your beautiful ****. you keep painting me textures. and i just want the smoothest heart I can find.’

O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
Quote by fightrobbert!


i can’t believe i ****ed it up again.
something i saw coming. but i would never bother
to… ‘STOP IT!’

I don't like the capitalized yell. I think you should just make it non-capitalized. Given, that on the first read-through, it didn't bother me, but on second read through, its the only thing that is capitalized, which sets it apart, and its just not a strong enough phrase to stick out above the rest of the piece... It's one of the first thing you notice when you look at it... and I just think it makes your piece look simple, when its actually complex.

you better get out
before i kill you.
because i will. i swear to god. if you don’t come in to my mind. and stay awhile.
i swear to god.
i swear to god.

Need to break the long line up... its just too choppy. Otherwise, its simple and strong.

so come closer, honey. i swear i won’t birth a window. and look at you.
all day. and all night.
but taking breaks. to write such self-indulging poetry about you. and the fact that your body makes me dizzy.

'birth a window' seems like its there just to be abstract and artsy. I don't like it. the rest of your piece is based on straight forward anger... and then all the sudden, "abstract." It's just not great. the rest though, I like. I think the first line could be reduced to: I swear I won't look at you. and be fine.

i feel like i just got off of a rollercoaster of your figure.
1, 2, 3…irony!

This is the best part in the whole piece to me... I just love the last line... its so out of place and satirical that I just can't help but love it.

and in all seriousness, i can’t scream this any louder when I say,
‘stop ****ing teasing me. i’m sick of your beautiful ****. you keep painting me textures. and i just want the smoothest heart I can find.’

This seems good. I dunno... not much bad to say, save for the swearing seemed unneccesary. I like the 'smoothest heart' idea.

i thought i could rely on you.
i thought i could swear to god.
but that’d be vain.
so i guess these veins will just keep pumping blood. but they’ll always know
they were meant for something so much more.
just like your words. that i seemed to have ****ed up.
again.

change pumping. the rest sounds good and I like that you end on 'again' really brings it full circle. Good stanza.


Not bad. Honestly, the most appealing thing about this other than "1..2..3.. irony!" (which some will hate) I think was the kinky structure... it just was so out there and different that it works well. The flow sucks, but it works well.

c4c on nine stories later (in sig)

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#10
Overall it was pretty good. However, I dislike the first and second verses. It seemed like kind of a teenager song, but that can be a complement or a burn, it depends. I dig the 123 irony part, good job.
A crit for me would be nice as well:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=707414