#1
Something i came up with.


Verse

An empty spirit
Can't you see it?
Opened up like the floor
An empty spirit
Staggering idiots
Never seeking more
It tries to read
And will not hear
But forsaken to Stand

Chorus

I don't feel it
I won't feel it
I'm not your instrument
I can feel it
I will feel it
Im not your ****ing stand

Verse

An empty spirit
Now you see it
You just broke up the floor
A willing spirit
Mocking idiots
Still asking for more?
Now he's decrypting
And always listening
As he shuts the door

Outro

Your faces slowly reunite...
But they'll never change.

------------------------------------------------------

That's it I guess, not that long, but it would be sang with lots of aggression or/and emotion.

#2
Verse

An empty spirit
Can't you see it?
Opened up like the floor
An empty spirit
Staggering idiots
Never seeking more
It tries to read
And will not hear
But forsaken to Stand

i dont really like it all that much, dont like the flow and seems kinda bland and odd, sorry,

Chorus

I don't feel it
I won't feel it
I'm not your instrument
I can feel it
I will feel it
Im not your ****ing stand

dont like this that much either, pretty much the safe as above, maybe do somthing to make it more intesting at some imagery or somthing along those lines,

Verse

An empty spirit
Now you see it
You just broke up the floor
A willing spirit
Mocking idiots
Still asking for more?
Now he's decrypting
And always listening
As he shuts the door

pretty much same as the rest man,
Outro

Your faces slowly reunite...
But they'll never change.

overall this wasnt good at all, well for me at least it was bland boring and the flow was bad, id say work on to make it more interesting and add some imagery to it, care to look at mine, as the clock hits seven,
#3
this reminds me of a poem more than song. it's kind of strange, but i think it might work if you said it really angry and slowly (if you know what I mean... especially the chorus)

work on the flow though.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
#4
Quote by Jeezer_1570
Something i came up with.


Verse

An empty spirit
Can't you see it?
Opened up like the floor
An empty spirit
Staggering idiots
Never seeking more
It tries to read
And will not hear
But forsaken to Stand

for the most part, I like the verse, but the 3rd line doesn't make much sense to me, and I don't think that "staggering idiots" fits in very well, it ruins the flow.

Chorus

I don't feel it
I won't feel it
I'm not your instrument
I can feel it
I will feel it
Im not your ****ing stand

Wouldn't change the chorus at all, it's written well.

Verse

An empty spirit
Now you see it
You just broke up the floor
A willing spirit
Mocking idiots
Still asking for more?
Now he's decrypting
And always listening
As he shuts the door

Love everything about it but the line 'mocking idiots', it just doesn't flow...other then that, its a great song.

Outro

Your faces slowly reunite...
But they'll never change.

------------------------------------------------------

That's it I guess, not that long, but it would be sang with lots of aggression or/and emotion.




and if you dont mind critting mine...it's called "Answering Machine", on the first page right now...but I might come put a link for your convience.