#1
Back to the old style. Enjoy. See Four See. Title suggestions also welcome

(My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now)

You know that look in your eye is a killer
Every time, heart-stopping and captivating
Fourteen years and I still can't get over
We never climbed walls these high in training

I've never seen the other side
But I know it can't be what they claim
Because I've seen green before and it wasn't too pleasing

Pulling apart the sofa for some trace of you
A nickle or a penny, it doesn't even matter
The ticket left on the counter was just a teaser
But I was never any good with puzzles, and you knew that

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out

Spring's not a beginning,
it's what we covered up returning
Like the sun it always comes back
Like an eclipse it never stays in tact

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out


#4
I really enjoyed this. My only hope is that you have some sort of idea as to what the guitars are doing beneath it, just because it doesn't look like there's a syllabic pattern. But I could be wrong; I wasn't exactly counting.
#5
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Back to the old style. Enjoy. See Four See. Title suggestions also welcome

(My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now)

You know that look in your eye is a killer
Every time, heart-stopping and captivating
Fourteen years and I still can't get over
We never climbed walls these high in training
A bit vague I feel. Personally I want more here to connect to the reader, something extra to spice it up. It's a bit bland for me, nothing really to grab on to.

I've never seen the other side
Really unoriginal line right here.
But I know it can't be what they claim
Because I've seen green before and it wasn't too pleasing
this last line was a good spin. Much better. you should always be aiming to write lines like those.

Pulling apart the sofa for some trace of you
A nickle or a penny, it doesn't even matter
The ticket left on the counter was just a teaser
But I was never any good with puzzles, and you knew that
All good here, I feel.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
overly-wordy. Awkward.
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
Last line here is kinda bleh.
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out
Eh, last line isn't really killer. It's kind of... overdone.

Spring's not a beginning,
it's what we covered up returning
A poor coupl eof lines. Hardly makes sense.
Like the sun it always comes back
Like an eclipse it never stays in tact
Eh, weak stanza in all. Really weak, I feel.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out




I think you need to think more about how your peices sound when read/heard. Think rhyme, assonance, internal rhyme, flow. I think you need to start using more advanced poetic techniques, create some more original and stronger imagery. I think this borders on mediocre based on other pieces I read on here. You have the potential though, and sticking with it will improve you on those techniques. Reading more too, will help, if you don't already.

#6
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Back to the old style. Enjoy. See Four See. Title suggestions also welcome

(My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now)

You know that look in your eye is a killer
Every time, heart-stopping and captivating
Fourteen years and I still can't get over
We never climbed walls these high in training

I've never seen the other side
But I know it can't be what they claim
Because I've seen green before and it wasn't too pleasing

Intriguing. I like the metaphorical sense.

Pulling apart the sofa for some trace of you
A nickle or a penny, it doesn't even matter
The ticket left on the counter was just a teaser
But I was never any good with puzzles, and you knew that

Interesting change of setting, I like how it makes the poem play as a reflection.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out

I like this as a repetetion stanza.

Spring's not a beginning,
it's what we covered up returning
Like the sun it always comes back
Like an eclipse it never stays in tact

I really like this part. Goes with the metaphorical sense in the first stanza. Very eloquent.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out



I enjoyed this read, it was full great imagery and clever wording and arrangement.
Last edited by Homer Gibson at Nov 18, 2007,
#7
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Back to the old style. Enjoy. See Four See. Title suggestions also welcome

(My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now)

You know that look in your eye is a killer
Every time, heart-stopping and captivating
Fourteen years and I still can't get over
We never climbed walls these high in training
the third line seems to be missing something.

I've never seen the other side
But I know it can't be what they claim
Because I've seen green before and it wasn't too pleasing
i like this part, good choice of words.

Pulling apart the sofa for some trace of you
A nickle or a penny, it doesn't even matter
The ticket left on the counter was just a teaser
But I was never any good with puzzles, and you knew that
okay, this verse doesn't make sense. from tickets to puzzles? what the hell.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out
the last line in the verse/stanza/whatever is a really good one. i like it very much.

Spring's not a beginning,
it's what we covered up returning
Like the sun it always comes back
Like an eclipse it never stays in tact
awesome, awesome, awesome, especially the last two lines.

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out




overall, i don't know what the message or point of this song is. it doesn't really make sense, but you have some good lines and imagery.
sorry if it's a half-assed crit,
i'm running on sleep deprivation.

check mine out, if you've got the time.
link in sig. light-years.
#8
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Back to the old style. Enjoy. See Four See. Title suggestions also welcome

(My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now)

You know that look in your eye is a killer
Every time, heart-stopping and captivating
Fourteen years and I still can't get over
We never climbed walls these high in training
Not a great stanza but I understand it, I quite like the last line

I've never seen the other side
A bit of a cliché...
But I know it can't be what they claim
Because I've seen green before and it wasn't too pleasing
I really liked those two lines, how I interpret it makes it interesting. Well written

Pulling apart the sofa for some trace of you
A nickle or a penny, it doesn't even matter
Liked this.
The ticket left on the counter was just a teaser
But I was never any good with puzzles, and you knew that
Interesting, quite simple but good

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
Analysing this, to me, doesn't seem to make much sense in line with the rest of the poem
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out
Didn't really like this part

Spring's not a beginning,
it's what we covered up returning
Good
Like the sun it always comes back
Like an eclipse it never stays in tact
Liked that, good stanza. Fairly simple with a deeper meaning

I'm crossed between the way in and the way out
Underestimating what I need, ignoring what I want
My worst fear is what I'll never know
But something tells me I've gotta take this now
The vegas skyline never looked as good as it did when the lights went out

Not too sure on the ending...


Overall I really liked that, had some intersting lines, and the way I interpreted the poem may have been different to what you want it to mean, but I enjoyed it.

If you have time could you crit the poem in my sig? It's under "Lyrics"
#9
Woahh
Many different takes on this, that's interesting
Funny how some of you love certain lines, and others hate it. Haha. I'm sure I'll be able to take all of your opinions and make this much better. Thanks to all of you who took the time to critique it. Those of you whom requested, I'll return the favour pronto.